Young Writers Society

I wasn’t trying to be rude, or creepy, but she was just so beautiful that I couldn’t stop myself from staring. The way her pale skin shined in the moonlight, and the wind blew her soft, brown curls. Her eyes were shut tight forever, but still I knew. I knew that under those lids lay the deepest and darkest blue that would put any glassy stone to shame. I couldn’t count how many times those eyes alone, when locked with mine, stirred an aching inside my whole body that would never be settled unless she touched me. Just once, I only needed one time. And her smile; how that crocked, half hearted smile made me fall to my knees in worship. Yes, worship because no one should ever be put above something as radiant and inspiring as her.

I took a deep breath as I shakily wiped away the unwanted blood from her forehead. Just that small moment of skin touching skin enraged the dark flame inside of me and how I wanted nothing more, but to deepen our love. To share with her what I had been holding back for much, much too long. I decided that it was safe then, and hauled her fragile body from the woods and into my house. On the bed I lay her down, gently, as not to wake her, and positioned her, so that when she woke, she would be comfortable. Then I laid down beside her, and cuddled up next to and showed her. I loved her more then I had ever loved another women in my life. They say I’m wrong, twisted, even disturbed, but she must have loved me as well because she never tried to leave me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

This was so adorable...and sad...and sweet....and sad....and adorable...did I mention sad? AW, this made me want to CRY.

Anyways, I did notice a few errors, but one in particular jumped out at me. It's probably just careless typing, but it does need to be pointed out:

I loved her more then I had ever loved another women in my life.

This sentence should be edited to say "another woman. "Women" refers to more than one...and yeah.

You have a bee YOO tee full piece here. I love it to death. Keep writing, you're really good! If this is random, I'm excited to see what thought-out, meditated writing is from you.

Happy Holidays!

Whoa. I realy like the way this turned out. At the beginning, I was kind of wary of the entire story ... I thought that, as you said, it would turn out to be really corny. Yet it didn't. It turned into something twisted yet heart-breaking with a much deeper meaning than I'd expected. I really like the twist you've put into this, and the perspective.

I love some of the thought you've put into this, in the last sentence especially. I do, however, have a few points I want to mention here:

I think you need to make the story just the tiniest bit more clear. I expect you have quite a clear image of what actually happened in your head, but there was one sentence in particular which confused me:

Her eyes were shut tight forever, but still I knew.

What with the twisted-ness of the next paragraph, this leads me to the conclusion that she was actually dead - what's more, that he might even have murdered her. This might be the point of the story, but I'm not completely sure, because of another line:

On the bed I lay her down, gently, as not to wake her, and positioned her, so that when she woke, she would be comfortable.

So that when she woke? So is she going to wake, after all? Is she dead or not?

Whichever way, even with the slight confusion of those two contradicting lines, I came to the conclusion that he did hurt her, and that she was at the very least unconscious if not dead. I'm sorry if that's not the point of the story - but if it isn't, then you defnitely need to work on making it a little clearer.

One more thing which bothers me slightly:

The way her pale skin shined

That should be: The way her pale skin shone.

I know it seems as if I'm criticising this rather a lot, but I'm really not. I really did like this story, but I wanted to tell you everything I found was not quite right with it in the hope that you'd use my advice to improve it. Still, this was a really good story and as I said, I loved the thought, description and perspective in this. Keep writing!

~MorningMist~