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Scritch



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Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:34 pm
creativityrules says...



Spoiler! :
This is a piece I wrote for a contest on here. I know that the third paragraph isn't punctuated correctly; I intended it to be that way because I think that it adds to the feeling of craziness. Comments, please!


Scritch.

Slumped in bed , his bloodshot eyes shot open, pale in the shadows. His mouth grimaced and contorted, moving with a mixture of horror and anger. Slamming into the side of his head, his right hand, jagged nails cutting through his sweaty hair, raked against his scalp, leaving searing scratches in their wake.

No, not again. Oh please, not again just go away just go away now get out of my head now!

A fleeting image of a parisitical creature feeding on his inner parts shot through his mind. His fingernails dug into the skin of his ears as he clawed at them, wanting to reach in and pull out what was inside, to yank out whatever detestable thing was in there and hurl it into the wall. He wanted to pummel it with his feet, to grind it into the ground and smash it until there was nothing left but a smudge of mucus on the concrete floor.

Scritch.

Stop it! Stop it ! Get out!


His head throbbing with agony, he couldn't help but to visualize the creature inside holding his brain in its insect-like pincers, ripping pieces of his mind with its barbed claws and devouring it slowly, savoring it, licking it with its darting red tongue and leaving strands of rotten spittle behind. Its mouth would be covered in his blood as it ate, soulless eyes shining in the cramped, musty places of his mind, eating and eating and eating and eating...

Scritch.

He screamed shrilly, hands clamping down on the sheets, his bare, muscular sweat-slicked torso contracting, grinding his teeth, unable to breathe. He flung his fists into his head, beating himself until his cheekbones were bleeding and his mouth was shredded and the whites of his eyes had turned entirely red. When the door to his room opened hastily and people in white coats streamed in, one of them carrying a hypodermic needle, he barely noticed.

He was already in too much pain to notice the miniscule sting of the needle digging into his left wrist or to feel the anasthetic seeping into his veins. As the doctors held him down, his movements slowed, his screams fading into muted moans, swollen eyes drifting shut. When at last he was still, the nurses cleaned his wounds, dabbing at the blood streaming from his arms with gauze and bandaging them when they were clean. After they left, he slept deeply, rough breath catching plegmatically as it emerged from his purple lips. He slept until the next evening.

As the anasthetic wore off, he found himself slowly growing conscious.

Scritch.
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:46 am
dogs says...



Heyyy Rose! Dogs here with your review today! This piece is so good, so fantastic and so amazing overall. You have captured the insanity of your character very well. This typically isn't the sort of insanity you read everyday and it isn't my favorite sort of insanity where the insane isn't really insane but just see's things differently. Nevertheless this story is nothing less then absolutely fantastic! I love the entire "scritch" part. That is sooooooo good because it really creates a sense of anxiety in the reader and it makes this so much more of a horror story. The entire of this story becoming a great story hinges on three words:

"No, not again."

This explains an entire backstory for your insane character. It implies that this has happened before. Which is the bases of your story, all insane characters can only be good if they have a sort of backstory that explains it. No one is born insane thats my philosophy. Anyways thats all I really have to say. This is great and you have won a rare "like" from me. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

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