Young Writers Society

She came to a stop, her heart pounding. Gusts of wind shook her to the core, but she just leaned against a tree and sunk into the snow. A protective instinct tickled inside her but she brushed it off. She didn't care anymore.

Her own ragged breath calmed, allowing her to feel the solitude of the place. She gave a quick glance to her surroundings. Closing her eyes, she let the tears she'd been holding back, fall. Her mind was blank; she was too numb to think. Her whole life had been a lie. The people she had trusted the most, her family, had lied. Her mom and dad- no she thought defensively. Sally and Chris. Her adoptive parents. How could they do this to me? Keep it all along?

Tears were rolling faster now, a cluster of emotions rising up inside her chest. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Loneliness. Fear. Thoughts raced through her mind ripping her apart. Memories, words, they flashed before her eyes like pictures, her last look at life. Her life.

She sighed. She nearly wished she didn't know, she didn't have to bear the burden, keep the knowledge a secret. Ignorance is truly bliss.

She wanted to dissolve into the shadows, become nothing. Just hide here forever, in darkness. But she couldn't. I have promises to keep... an age ago perhaps, a promise nevertheless...

''Steph? Will you promise me something?'', her sister had asked.
''Hmm... what is it?'', she had replied, curious.
"Promise not to leave me? Run away?", she said.

I promise, she had said, the idea impossible in her mind. Some childish game, she must have thought at that time. It seemed stupid now, to promise something so easily. The promise, even though it had been made long ago, restricted her from going, from turning away. I don't want to go back.

After what seemed an age, she got up. Giving a last reluctant glance to the woods, she started the long walk back home. My heart may lie here, but my loyalties will always stay there.

Aku!

:O Lykwoah. Your interpretation is totes better than mine. XD But, seriously, the way you've written it is just amazing! I absolutely love it! The way you've written her thoughts and feelings, makes me feel like I'm actually witnessing the whole thing happening right before my eyes. And your beginning is really strong, too. It caught my attention and I wanted to read the whole thing. Just one nitpick:

It seemed stupid noe, to promise something so easily.

The "noe" is unnecessary here. But, besides that, great story! Especially for a first. Super super like, if I could. XD

~T~

Hai Angel! You need a nickname. I'm here to review your work!


Well. I have no idea what the interpretation was, but I enjoyed it, nevertheless. There's obviously a whole bundle of emotions here and your first line was great. I loved your ending too!

I think you've got a lot of potential in this story that you've not exploited. Let me begin:

She gave a quick glance to her surroundings. Closing her eyes, she let the tears she'd been holding back, fall.

Here, why not describe her surroundings? I can't imagine it at the moment. Is it a hot summer evening with a golden sun setting on the horizon? What's the area around her like? Try and use the 5 senses if you can here.

Tears were rolling faster now, a cluster of emotions rising up inside her chest.

Again here. Is the rage boiling and frothing in her chest? Y'know. Let's feel it.

Nitpicks:

Anger sadness, betrayal, loneliness and fear.

It feels like a list, here. Why not:

Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Loneliness. Fear.

Maybe even ellipses between each one. I'm suggesting this for a dramatic effect, you know?

''Steph? Will you promise me something?'', her sister had asked.

''Hmm... what is it?'', she had replied, curious.

"Promise not to leave me? Run away?", she said.

I promise, she had said

Could you italicise all of this? It was a bit confusing when only one line had been italicised. It'd make it a bit clearer for readability.

I also think you missed out the speech marks around 'I promise'.

But, otherwise, this was great! I do hope that this helped. Hopefully your English teacher will be pleased ^_^

Keep Writing!

AhmadBlues

Hi there...

First of all I absolutely loved this short story, it is just beautiful.
It made me very emotional especially at the part where it says...

''Steph? Will you promise me something?'', her sister had asked.

''Hmm... what is it?'', she had replied, curious.

"Promise not to leave me? Run away?", she said.

The ending is so good that it made me want to read more!

Good job