Young Writers Society

The whispers. They surround me. They attack me from all sides. They rise in volume to the point where my head feels like it will explode. But then, they die down almost suddenly- leaving me with the unbearable silence.

The pain. It hurts. It claws at my soul and leaves me breathless. I sit inthe corner of my deep despair and stare off into the nothingness. I simply stare at what could have been.

I’m all alone in a room. The darkness surrounds me and comforts me; wrapping around my shoulders like a warm blanket. But why don’t I feel its warmth? It’s quiet. Too quiet. . . .Why?

In the pitch black of the night, I feel safe and secure. There is no furniture in the room but a simple bed. There is no source of joy or entertainment in the center of it all. The shadows dance across the walls, trying to lift my sullen spirits. It doesn’t work.

Trapped in my phobia. Jealousy gnaws at my heart. Envy. It isn’t fair. I live in the shadows of the crowd; in my own personal world while the rest of the society mingles and laughs. They laugh at me. I feel numb and empty. Devoid of anything. Except for Envy.The pain hurts, doesn’t it?


The whispers. They surround me. They attack me from all sides. They rise in volume to the point where my head feels like it will explode. But then, they die down almost suddenly- leaving me with the unbearable silence.

My name is Carter Fiamatta. And welcome to my nightmare.

To be continued...?

"inthe"

in the

"Trying to lift my sullen spirits. It doesn't work"

This is a great line, but I would use a comma instead of a period here.

"Trapped in my phobia"

There is such better words you could use instead of "phobia" try maybe fear or terror or horror

Hey there Disenchanted! Dogs here with your review today! This is a very good piece, it almost seems poetic which is really the big reason as to why I like it so much. It is short simple and it gets your point across. This could almost be the prologue to an amazing book. Thats really all I have to say. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi there Disenchanted. That's a pretty cool username, by the way.

To be completely honest, I'm not a huge fan of this story. It doesn't flow very well and it feels like you just pushed together a bunch of pretty similar emotions to create a deep little story/excerpt thing.

There wasn't much thought and the emotion felt extremely forced. I've read a lot of things this kind of 'style' before and so it's become hardly original and usually dull. This struck no special key for me. Personally, I think you could do much better - I can tell you have a good hand on vocabulary and a decent command of the English language. However, it's up to you to really know how to execute and demonstrate these skills.

Despite my complaints, the last line intrigues me and inspires so many questions. However, it doesn't feel fitting to all the nonsense you wrote beforehand. You offer us little insight to what the coming story is going to be about - you hardly hint. Pretty much, I feel like you're just writing something about Carter that isn't very meaningful. Is he a supernatural human? A demon? A magical creature? Everything you've written hints to so many mythological creatures or abilities or super-powers. Usually, being vague is okay in something sort of prologue-ish like this, but there does come a time where things must be a little more informational.

I'd like to see how you rewrite this with some more plot and real words than just spewed-out ones.

Yours,
Lavvie