Young Writers Society

Okay this is just a paragraph or two from a story I'm writing tell me what you guys think!


"Okay," I said turning "See you around Tay." I reached out to hug her but her arms stayed folded over her chest her hand even tucked in. I remembered enough from middle school to know this was her angry pose. She was always posing. "Whats wrong?"
"You don't need to sugar coat it May. Your famous now we won't ever see each other again unless you really want to," She glared at me evilly "and obviously you don't." I stared at her.
"Of course I do, I missed you ." I said confused.
"If you missed me so much you would have came back. Back to Linda. Not run off to Hollywood and forgot about us!" She said her voice cracking. I could see even though she was angry she was also hurt.
"Taylor. You know I couldn't stay in Linda. It's so small it doesn't even have a post office, Its not even on most maps! I wouldn't have anything if I had stayed." I said realizing to late that this was the wrong thing to say.
"You wouldn't have anything?" Her voice going up a few octaves. "And here I was thinking my friendship actually meant something to you." She pushed past me.
"You know that's not what I meant." I said quietly.
"Really because that's what is sounded like. But since that's not what you meant please enlight me!" She yelled. I froze all those memories of us together, she was always in charge. I was always follwing after her cheering for her.
" You really can't stand that I finally have something can you?" I asked
" What?! Are you serious? I couldn't care less!" She said attempting to roll her eyes
"You suck at lying. You can't stand that I have people cheering for me. ME the girl who used to be your personal audiance. Get out Taylor. See you around. " I said turning away. She stayed there for a while before I head her light steps leaving, the door shutting softly behind her. I broke down and began sobbing. I crying for almost a half and hour still standing turned away from the door. When I stopped I turned around and stared around my empty room. My eyes past over the mirror twice before noticing the red. It had been a tradition for Me and Taylor when we slept over on would wake up early write a note in lipstick then go home. I walked over to the mirror "You were never my audiance." was written in Cherry Berry My favorite colour in middle school. I broke down and started sobbing again.

"Of course I do, I missed you ."

you really don't need a period at the end of this quotation, and don't put a space in-between "you" and the period.

" You really can't stand that I finally have something can you?" I asked
" What?! Are you serious? I couldn't care less!" She said attempting to roll her eyes

So don't put a space in-between the quotation mark and the first word in a quotation.

"My eyes past over the mirror twice before noticing the red"

So this is a good line but you should expand more on this. The best stories also incorporates a sense of poetic description and imagery. So for example here I would say something like this:

My eyes pass over the mirror twice before noticing the red that stains my eyes, exhausted from the tears.

Hey May! Dogs here with your review today! So this is good, a very strong "emotional roller coaster". Personally I'm not a huge fan for the girl drama style of books but you have captured the emotion in this piece so very well that I really enjoyed reading this. If you posted the rest of this book I would definitely read it. Anyways there really Isn't much else I can say about this because it is more like a chapter rather then a short story. So tell me if you ever post the book and I will definitely review it! Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh