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Younger Vs Elder



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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:31 pm
dhanshucool says...



"Why did you come into my life? Is it just to leave me alone someday?" I paused for a moment, "Ok, I am asking you for the last time, do you love me or not?" I asked her looking into her eyes.

"No," she said avoiding eye contact.

I threw her marriage invitation and left her without speaking anything, because I didn’t want to cry before a girl. Tears ran through my cheeks. I knew she loved me more than what I did. Because she is two years elder than me, she was not ready to accept me.

Often I used to ask her to wait for just two years, so that I would catch her age. Though it sounds funny, I was really mad at her.

I know that I am lazy in everything, but, is it my fault for being born late?
Guys do accept younger girls but why not girls do the same? Why this discrimination?

Till that moment I lived for her and I did what she liked. But there onwards I had decided to break all the rules. I took a piece of paper and listed out the things that she never wanted me to do.

1. Alcohol
2. Cigarette
3. Liar

I decided to start from the top of the list. I kept walking until I found a wine shop. The dealer in that shop might have found that it was the first time for me going to wine shop, because I kept staring at the bottles lined up. I didn’t know which one to ask, so I just pointed my hand in random.

"Half or full?" he asked me.
"Quarter," I said.

He gave me a small bottle in which it was written 'Vodka' and I smelled it taking it in hand.

"Apple flavor," he said.

'Good development,' I thought.

I bought a coke, mixed vodka in it and took a sip. When the dealer said it was apple flavor I thought it would taste sweet like an apple, but it was really horrible. May be rotten apple taste like that. I closed my eyes and had it completely. I took out the list and struck off 'Alcohol'.

Later I bought a Cigarette in the near by shop. I lit it and had few puffs. I coughed at first but later it took me high. I almost flew in the air without wings.

‘So that is the reason people are addicted to it,’ I told myself.

I had stricken the ‘Cigarette’ in the list and saw my watch. The time was around 11:00pm and I realized that I was the only one standing in that long road. The sky was clear and I could see only a single star.

“Even you are abandoned by moon?” I said looking up.

I took out my phone and dialed her number.

“Hello,” she said picking up the call.

“You know what, I hate you. And I don’t love you,” I shouted.

I knew both the sentence meant the same.

“I don’t want to meet you in my life again. Good bye!” I said and hung the call.

I sat down on the platform and wiped my face.

“Sorry,” I said striking ‘Liar’ off the list.
-Dan
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:31 pm
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catslikebooks2 says...



I'm sorry.....moving picture distracting me.....but I'm pretty sure this piece is better than the moving picture...pretty sure.... Anyway, this is a really nice piece!This story is well developed, but the diction could use some work. Just some minor tweaks,
dhanshucool wrote:"Why did you come into my life? Is it just to leave me alone someday?" I paused for a moment, "Ok, I am asking you for the last time, do you love me or not?" I asked her looking into her eyes.

"No," she said avoiding eye contact.

I threw her marriage invitation her marriage invitation?what is the meaning of this? and left her without speaking anything, because I didn’t want to cry before a girl. Tears ran through through or down? my cheeks. I knew she loved me more than what I did this sentence does not make sense to me. Because she is two years elder than me, she was not ready to accept me.

Often I used to ask her to wait for just two years, so that I would catch her age. Though it sounds funny, I was really mad at her.

I know that I am lazy lazy? or late? maybe a synonym of late. in everything, but, is it my fault for being born late?
Guys do accept younger girls but why not girls do the same? Why this discrimination?

Other than that this story is fantastic! The way he goes down the list flows rather well. The imagery of the wine shop and him drinking the vodka, it make it easy to see in my head. this may be random but a like how you call the wine shop guy "the dealer" like he's selling drugs or something, which he kind of is, to numb the pain of the break-up. I like the development of the cigarette scene with the moon, I enjoy that part, it really deepens the man's sorrow. I absolutely adore the ending!It's so.......I can't really describe it, but I absolutely love it! The twist of that being the lie is so saddening, it's amazing! I love this piece!
"You know how writers are... they create themselves as they create their work. Or perhaps they create their work in order to create themselves."-Orson Scott Card
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:55 pm
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midnightsky says...



Immensely touching, however their are some grammar mistakes, and it takes a while to actually understand the concept of the text. Great idea though! Not to mention the fact that you wrote it in an exceptional manner, completely capturing the reader once the main idea was captured!
- Midnight
  





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Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:33 pm
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barefootrunner says...



I really liked this one. It is a huge improvement on the last story of yours that I reviewed, especially character-wise. I am really touched by the poor guy and I am moved to feel sympathy for him. The end was so sweet, I had that mental *aaawwwh* that is usually reserved for puppies and cute bunnies with floppy ears. :) You still need work on the grammar side of things, so I'll just paste it in here and go through all the mistakes that I can find.

"Why did you come into my life? Is it just to leave me alone someday?" I paused for a moment, "Ok, I am asking you for the last time, do you love me or not?" I asked her looking into her eyes.
""Why did you come into my life? Is it just to leave me alone someday?" I paused for a moment. "Ok, I am asking you for the last time - do you love me or not?" I avoided her eyes." Just a correction on the direct speech and some better grammar. We know that the narrator is the one doing the asking, so saying so with an "I asked" is not necessary.

"No," she said avoiding eye contact.
""I don't," she said, likewise avoiding my face." It sounds strange to just repeat the "avoiding" part without any distinction.

I threw her marriage invitation and left her without speaking anything, because I didn’t want to cry before a girl. Tears ran through my cheeks. I knew she loved me more than what I did. Because she is two years elder than me, she was not ready to accept me.
Catslikebooks has looked at this one, but I would add that you should say cry "in front of" a girl. "Before" is mainly used to manipulate time, where "in front of" means "in the presence of". Also say "two years older". You can also say she is "two years my elder".

Often I used to ask her to wait for just two years, so that I would catch her age. Though it sounds funny, I was really mad at her.

I know that I am lazy in everything, but, is it my fault for being born late?
Guys do accept younger girls but why not girls do the same? Why this discrimination?
"but why don't girls do the same?" is the correct grammar.

Till that moment I lived for her and I did what she liked. But there onwards I had decided to break all the rules. I took a piece of paper and listed out the things that she never wanted me to do.

1. Alcohol
2. Cigarette
3. Liar
"I had lived" would keep the tenses straight. If working in past tense and describing something that happened before then, use the past perfect, in other words the "had". "But then I decided to break all the rules. I took a piece of paper and listed all the things that she never wanted me to do.
1. Drink alcohol
2. Smoke cigarettes
3. Tell lies"
Just a few grammar corrections and the list. You can't "liar", "cigarette" or "alcohol". You can "drink alcohol" etc.


I decided to start from the top of the list. I kept walking until I found a wine shop. The dealer in that shop might have found that it was the first time for me going to wine shop, because I kept staring at the bottles lined up. I didn’t know which one to ask, so I just pointed my hand in random.
"it was the first time for me going to wine shop" is highly erratic. The "might have found" is also slightly confusing. I suggest "The dealer in that shop must have realised that it was the first time that I had gone to a wine shop,"

"Half or full?" he asked me.
"Quarter," I said.

He gave me a small bottle in which it was written 'Vodka' and I smelled it taking it in hand.
Things cannot be written "in" the bottle. I think you meant "on which was written". "I sniffed it" would be a more descriptive term.

"Apple flavor," he said.

'Good development,' I thought.

I bought a coke, mixed vodka in it and took a sip. When the dealer said it was apple flavor I thought it would taste sweet like an apple, but it was really horrible. May be rotten apple taste like that. I closed my eyes and had it completely. I took out the list and struck off 'Alcohol'.
"rotten apples tasted like that." is the only correction I can find.

Later I bought a Cigarette in the near by shop. I lit it and had few puffs. I coughed at first but later it took me high. I almost flew in the air without wings.
"Later I bought a cigarette at the nearby shop."

‘So that is the reason people are addicted to it,’ I told myself.

I had stricken the ‘Cigarette’ in the list and saw my watch. The time was around 11:00pm and I realized that I was the only one standing in that long road. The sky was clear and I could see only a single star.
"had stricken" should be "had struck". The rest of the paragraph is really nice work.

“Even you are abandoned by moon?” I said looking up.

I took out my phone and dialed her number.

“Hello,” she said picking up the call.

“You know what, I hate you. And I don’t love you,” I shouted.

I knew both the sentence meant the same.
"sentences". It is plural.

“I don’t want to meet you in my life again. Good bye!” I said and hung the call.

I sat down on the platform and wiped my face.

“Sorry,” I said striking ‘Liar’ off the list.

That end is a knockout! I really liked the way you described things, the character was great - I really enjoyed reading this! Good job and keep working on the grammar!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 6:41 am
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ShakespeareWallah says...



great story man...specially the ending. awesome.......it actually showed some part of the discrimination that still happens around the world...and I really liked the part when you mentioned marriage invitation..it really looked a bit indian
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:21 am
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ChocoCookie says...



I completely loved the idea of this story. I first thought this story was going to be based on siblings but it came out totally different. :O

It was quite disturbing to me, because I've gone through the same. The fact that girls don't accept younger guys is that they think it is shameful to accept someone younger. But that isn't fair, is it? I've thought of that sometimes too. Everyone isn't treated equally. ^.-

I loved the "Liar" part of the story. It really shocked me and to say the truth, this was really touching. :")
A man's love for a girl. <3' Perfect. Guess your really romantic.

Overall: So, I just wanted to say that don't give up on writing romantic short-stories since this was really good. ;) I'll give it a 9/10. ^.^

Cookie. (Y)
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.


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