Satan came back to Hell in a foul mood.
"So I just got back from a press conference in Heaven, and guess what? We're getting more bloody souls down here. More! We're bloody overcrowded as it is, and they're trying to shaft us with more population. Bloody God thinks he's so bloody perfect... How hard is it for these humans! Just be religious! Any religion! And you won’t get stuck down here." He sunk down into a brimstone arm-chair and snapped his fingers "Coffee. Now."
"I mean..." He continued as I turned on the kettle, "he gets the Heavens. The Heavens! Do you have any idea how big the Heavens are? He has way more room than us! But somehow he thinks I deserve to be more overcrowded." He growled. "That twit should realise I'm trying to look after a populace here, just like him. Ugh! Perhaps I should get Hades to send Cerberus over to crap in their front garden…”
I sighed as I bought over the coffee he’d asked for. “That sounds all well and good, sir. But may I remind you what happened the last time you did that? Ra gave us sunlight for a whole month.”
He seemed to shiver at the memory, sipping his coffee. “I remember. I hate light, and it gave those poor sods down there hope. I hate hope, too. You don’t have any hope, do you?”
I grinned. “No, sir.”
He pointed at me happily. “Now that’s what I like to hear. Want to know why you climbed this high, Richard?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You have a good attitude! You get shit done!”
“Thank you, sir.”
His smile disappeared. “Now get back to work. I keep forgetting you’re meant to be in eternal damnation.”
I walked over to the door, and then stopped. I looked back. Satan was looking out of the window at a huge statue of himself which was being built by the condemned. He snapped his fingers, laughing evilly, and it collapsed. “One more thing, sir…”
“I honestly don’t understand why people hate me so much. I’m a nice guy, really…” He mused to himself, unaware of my presence.
“Sir?”
He snapped out of his trance and turned to look at me.
“Anubis’s department are striking. Something about poor working conditions. Do you want me to send security to sort them out?”
“Oh, yes, of course. Bloody ingrates. Loki and his Giants will teach them a lesson... Ah, and another mass-murder’s shown up. Could you take him to be judged?”
“Of course, sir.”
***
The serial killer seemed incredibly nervous. He perched on the edge of his seat, shaking uncontrollably. I sat behind my desk and stared at him for a moment, stroking my beard. When he saw me, he screamed. I smiled. I’d picked my dead-man visage for this occasion, to scare the man. No doubt he saw me as a horrible, rotting corpse.
“The judges will see you now.” I said finally, standing and motioning for him to do the same. He bolted up and simply stood there, looking at me dumbly. “Do I need to walk you along like a dog?” I growled, moving to take his hand. He pulled it away almost instantly and screamed.
“N-no!” He looked fit to faint, but he couldn’t – there’s no rest in Hell.
“Good. Then follow me.” We walked down the dimly-lit corridor with its bloody walls. He followed at a length, muttering to himself quietly. I decided to have some fun. “You know, it’s not so bad as everyone says here.” I said calmly, stopping. He looked at me quizzically.
“R-r-really?” He stammered. I smiled.
“Nope.” A door flung itself open beside him, revealing something indescribably horrible. “It’s worse.” He gave a desperate shout and ran past me. I followed. “Hey, wait! I still haven’t shown you Stalin’s room!”
When we finally reached the judge’s chamber, he stopped. He gazed upwards in awe. Satan and Minos were sat in splendid thrones, made of obsidian and fire, glowing a blood red glow. Behind them, the wall seemed to sweat blood. I felt a pang of pity for the condemned man. I could remember when I had found myself here. Except that time, Anubis had been present. Anubis was the scariest of them all. He had a black dog’s head and always wielded his bladed staff, which normally seemed to be bloodied for some reason or other.
“Ah, nice of you to join us.” Minos boomed. He wore a simple toga and crown, and next to his throne was the Minotaur, which hissed. Steam came from its nostrils and the condemned flung himself to his knees.
“Mercy, my lords, please, mercy!” He babbled, “I never meant to kill them, honest, honest! It was an accident!”
Minos and Satan were quiet for a moment. Then they burst out laughing. “So, let me get this straight.” Satan chuckled. “Your plan is to say that you are not evil to the most evil man in the universe and an ancient Greek who had sex with a cow?”
Minos scowled. “I told you, that’s a myth. Minnie here is just a pet.” He patted the Minotaur’s head, and it purred.
And the killer began to cry. “Please!” He wailed.
Satan laughed some more, sniffing and wiping his eyes. “Oh, this is a funny one. It’s a pity Anubis was too busy to see this. So, what do you think, Minos? Seventh circle?”
Minos scratched his bald head thoughtfully. “I was going to say fourth, but now I think about it…”
“Good stuff. Well, of you go then.”
The killer’s soul was torn from his body and the useless shell slumped to the ground. I dragged it away by its feet. More food for Cerberus…
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