Young Writers Society

The ground shook as the missile came crashing down. I was immediately thrown to the ground, my hands flying to shelter my head. I looked at the part of the forest the weapon had taken target on. The place was engulfed in smoke and fire.
‘To the border comrades’, I shouted to my companions. I swung the firearm over my shoulder.
‘Sir, we are a man down’ one of the soldiers reported to me. I tried not to curse out loud.
‘The missile?’ I asked. He nodded, understanding my question.
‘On your way Captain, I’ll join you soon’, I said summoning all my strength to keep my voice steady. I ran into the forest, the sooth hit my lungs making me cough copiously. The trees has been uprooted, the ground matted with ash. I caught something moving on the floor.
‘Matthew’ I called out. I rushed to his side and instantly went on the floor. The right part of his body was completely mutilated, just looking at it made me want to puke. His lips were pulled tight, forcing his body to stand the excruciating pain.
‘Matthew’ I whispered softly.
‘Jay?’ I took his free hand, holding it tightly close to me.
‘We will get you out of here brother. It’s going to be okay’ I told him. Matthew smiled lightly.
‘I am going to get the death I always wanted. A hero’s death’ he said.
‘You were always a hero. Even before death’ I assured him.
We sat in silence, looking at each other. I started counting his breaths, dreading I would have to stop. The time seemed to fly past me. Memories hit me strong. I vividly remembered the time when Matthew had jumped into a well thinking I had fallen into it while all the time I was hiding behind a tree. He was the most selfless man had seen in my entire life. He had replaced my father when I was just ten, then my mother when I turned sixteen.
‘Tell Mary I love her’ Matthew spoke with strain now. I watched helplessly as tears ran down his eyes.
‘Let William know that I am sure he is going to grown up to be the greatest man’ I could seen his eye lids flutter.
‘Mattman...’ I used my nickname for him, ‘brother, I love you.’
‘You do know this is the first time you are telling me that’. I chuckled softly. I caressed his hands as I spoke, ‘I’ll love you for life’. His breaths started to quicken, his chest heaved. He let out a gasp of pain.
‘I think it’s goodbye time’ he said through his teeth. His hold on my hand loosened, his lips trembled. Death was so close.
‘Matthew...’
‘Go Jay, defend my country…’ my whole body was trembling as I watched him take his last breath.
‘I love you Mattman’, I whispered.


My wife held my hand firmly. Giving me the extra strength, I needed. I watched as the coffin was carried away, the nation’s flag covering the casket. We looked on in respect as the last rites were being carried out. My wife looked at me startled, as a tear slid down my cheek. I had not shed a tear in the last eight years. The gun shoot ran the air, men saluted in respect to the man who had laid down his life for his country,
I? I saluted the man who was not only my brother but also my best friend. Good bye brother…

Hey Manisha, Mikko here to review! Quite an interesting piece you've got here - I don't usually go for stories with battle scenes/war fronts but I went through yours. I'm going to just highlight the main parts that need fixing, and I'll probably give you some suggestions.

The ground shook as the missile came crashing down. I was immediately thrown to the ground, my hands flying to shelter my head. I looked at the part of the forest the weapon had taken target on. The place was engulfed in smoke and fire.

I seem to have a problem with your opening paragraph. It doesn't grab the readr as much as it could, especially when you know that such an event could be described with more exaggeration to show how... war-like it is. Narratives from a soldier's point of view tend to be more descriptive, eventhough what they go through is really quite tough, but the reader must be able to almost feel the tension and heaviness of the responsabilities soldiers have. Is that clear, or am I confusing you?

I'll explain. Why not add a few word to describe this missile? I know it landed in a short period of time, but really just enough for the soldier to make it out; or try describing how the ground shook. Let me give you an example:

The ground shook abruptly and heavily

well that's a crappy example, because I can't really think of better words to use right now. However, don't be lazy like me and try checking out a thesaurus for better words.

And now onto the second part of your opening paragraph. I think a better word than 'thrown' can be used. Why not 'propelled'? And let's try a little rephrasing here.

as the missile came crashing down. Proplled to the ground, I immediately covered my head with my hands for cover.

‘To the border comrades,’ I shouted to my companions, I swung swinging the firearm over my shoulder.

The last sentenced needed to be rephrased because the two simple sentences you originally had were really plain, therefore to make them better, I suggest you combine them by changing the tense of the verb 'to swing'.

‘Sir, we are a man down.’ One of the soldiers reported to me. I tried not to curse out loud.

I'm not too familiar with military language and such, but shouldn't it be "...we have a man down"?

‘On your way Captain, I’ll join you soon,’ I said summoning all my strength to keep my voice steady. I ran into the forest, the sooth hit my lungs, making me cough copiously. The trees has been uprooted, the ground matted with ash; amongst the destroyed landscape/wreckage/mess I caught something moving on the floor.

Above, I have put in some suggestions of words to help remove the period you had placed. You didn't really need to play one there, you could have simply gone on.

‘Matthew,’ I called out, instantly rushing to his side as he lay motionless on the ground. The right part of his body was completely mutilated, just looking at it made me want to puke throw up/vomit. His lips were pulled tight, forcing his body to stand the excruciating pain.

I don't really understand what you were trying to say near the end of this part -- how does his lips being pulled tight affect the rest of his body? And how do lips get pulled tight, anyway? Lol, sorry, it's just me. Okay, so a man of his standing I wouldn't expect him to say 'puke'. That's such a teenage thing to say (or then again, maybe that's just me).

‘Matthew,’ I whispered softly.

‘We will get you out of here, brother. It’s going to be okay,’ I told him. Matthew smiled lightly.

‘I am going to get the death I always wanted. A hero’s death,’ he said.

‘You were always a hero. Even before death.’ I assured him.

Wow, I thought he was telling him he was going to be okay? If he's going to be okay, why is he telling him that 'even' before death he was/is a hero? This doesn't really make sense. And telling Matthew that he was always a hero isn't very reassuring that he will be okay. Work on that part.

He was the most selfless man I had seen met in my entire life.

Why is he sitting there thinking? Shouldn't he be worrying about someone getting help? And I'm not too sure about thet 'father and mother' bit. You could really expand that, saying how Matthew became responsable for him and took care of him.

‘Tell Mary I love her,’ Matthew spoke with strain now. I watched helplessly as tears ran down his eyes.

‘Let William know that I am sure he is going to grown up to be the greatest man,’ I could seen his eye-lids flutter.

‘You do know this is the first time you are telling me that?’

‘I’ll love you for life.’

‘I think it’s goodbye time,’

‘Go Jay, defend my country…’ My whole body was

‘I love you Mattman,’ I whispered.

My wife held my hand firmly, giving me the extra strength I needed.

The gun shoot ran through the air,

You could have done better with the ending. I'm not too sure how I feel about him just saying goodbye like that.

I think the problem you have with this is that you do too much telling and not enough showing. I'm guessing you know what this is? If you don't, you could check out this really helpful topic that will help explain the 'Show and tell' problem a lot of writers have.

Another one of the problems this story has is that your sentences are much too short/simple. Add more! I know sometimes you want to put in some shorter sentences for effect but don't over do it because it gets irritatingly boring.

I hope that doesn't sound mean. However, I think you could really do much more with this if you gave that little bit more detail. Use more adjectives and adverbs to describe the actions and the surroundings of your characters.

One last point: your speech punctuation. Don't leave the commas or full stops outside the speech marks -- keep them in. Here is another helpful tutorial that should help you with your dialogue punctuation.

Well, I hope this reveiw helps, and I'm awfully sorry if I sounded harsh by saying what I've said. I really hope you can boost this piece up so that it becomes even better.

If you have any questions, maybe if you'd like me to clarify a few things or to explain further, you can PM me!

Happy writing!

Mikko. ; )

Hi there Manisha! Mikko's already given you a spectacular review of almost every point I had. However, there are a few more, but this review may be shorter anyway.

I didn't feel the emotion I should have from reading this. His brother just died and yet I didn't at least feel sympathetic toward your protagonist? That's bad. I should at least have the tiniest connection to your character, whether or not the story's short or long, or whether I have anything in common or not with him. I still need to somehow feel a sort-of tie go on. To make me at least feel empathy for him and the dead brother.

Because dialogue and actions most likely will affect what kind out outlook your story may have, I think we should work on that. Your dialogue is lacking. It's without emotion or exclamations or questions which then creates a thought that your characters have rather monotone voices and I highly doubt that. Remember, these are characters and however fictional they may be, they are people in your mind and in your audience's. Write dialogue as if you are brother speaking to your dying sibling. Write with all the emotion you can muster and you'll write something awesome! I promise it.

For example:

‘To the border comrades’, I shouted to my companions.

I won't bother you about your dialogue punctuation since Mikko already has, but keep in mind that it's bothering me as well. Anyway. Back to my point. It says he 'shouted', but you have no exclamation mark included in your dialogue, which then makes it sort of an oxymoron, in a roundabout way.

Actions. This is the other thing. The way your characters are moving and using their body is lethargic and boring. Where's the description? Where's the tenderness shown between the brother and his dying sibling? Show it by actions (which includes some more details as well). Is he kneeling next to Matthew sobbing, or is he just red-faced? Does he try and remove some items from Matthew's side for some reason? And what is Matthew doing besides just lying there? Is he twitching? Don't be afraid to be precise and detailed - it's what being a writer is all about!

Another nitpick:

‘I love you Mattman’, I whispered.

I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh a little out loud. Using Mattman in his dying words to his brother is just funny in a sad kind of way. I think it would just be a lot more sincere and realistic if he addressed his near-dead brother by his real name.

Overall, it needs work, but could potentially be a tear-jerker if you worked at improving the things Mikko and I have mentioned. If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie