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Young Writers Society


Human Pain



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:48 pm
SweetEyes8 says...



    The family of four continued to scream and argue, completely oblivious to the small audience that had gathered around them.
    Tiger the cat watched curiously with circular yellow eyes as the teenage girl stomped her foot before running up the stairs. The sound of a slamming door reached his keen pointed ears which in turn caused the others to begin yelling once more.
    Twisting his head to the side, Tiger studied the remaining three humans. The tall man was now pacing back and forth while his son, a miniature version of himself, slammed his fist on the table.
    While Tiger was unable to translate the language they were speaking, he could easily see that his caretakers were upset over what appeared to be a white envelope.
    "We can't afford to send Amy on the trip Helen! Why can't you get that through your head?"
    The short, frazzled woman snatched the envelope out of her husband's hands and ignored his words, her eyes flying over the text printed on the invitation. "She's our daughter Stefan; she deserves to have all the experiences of a normal teenager."
    "I didn't go to Europe when I was sixteen!" Her husband retorted, running his fingers through his salt and pepper hair.
    "That's not the same. Plus all of her friends are going. Think about how she'll feel if she's left out."
    Stefan snorted, "What about when we lose the house. How will she feel then?"
    Tiger's gaze flicked to the right as a sudden movement caught his attention. The young boy was now standing up, his small face flushed and contorted in anger.
    "All you two ever talk about is Amy, Amy, Amy! I'm your son too you know? Obviously both of you don't care about me."
    His mom's face softened slightly but she shook her head and turned away from her youngest child, "Not now Brandon."
    "Well Brandon's leaving!" the male child yelled, angrily wiping away his flowing tears as he fled the room.
    Tiger flicked his tail as he watched him leave, overcome by a sudden urge to follow the distraught boy. HIs attention however soon returned to the two adults as they resumed their disagreement.
    "Do you see what you’re doing to our children? You've made both of them upset because you can't control your temper." Helen said coldly.
    Stefan blinked and his face suddenly became expressionless. "You know what Helen, I'm through. I've dealt with all of this for long enough. Tomorrow, I'm filing for the divorce and there's nothing you can do to change my my mind." Grabbing his coat, the man walked out of the room, quietly shutting the front door behind him. A car was started and the sound of tires screeching down the driveway soon faded away as the atmosphere of the house became eerily calm.
    After a minutes of stunned silence, Helen broke down, falling into a chair and choking out loud heartbreaking sobs.
    Tiger, unsure of how to handle such emotion, scurried up the steps, feeling the plush carpet beneath his paws.
    Hearing a small feminine yelp of pain coming from the bathroom, he squeezed through the space of the semi-open door and stared up at the daughter. His eyes slowly narrowed in on the glinting blade held in her left hand.
    Amy turned her attention to Tiger and shrugged, seemingly unfazed by the blood slowly oozing out of her wrist and dripping down her arm. Putting the razor down, she bent her knees and crouched down next to him, fondly scratching behind his ears with her good arm.
    "If only I were a cat like you Tiger. Everything would be much less complicated."
    Tiger only closed his eyes, trying to wrap his brain around one subject.
    Human pain.
Spoiler! :
There's probably some grammatical errors.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Sun Nov 27, 2011 6:50 pm
creativityrules says...



Hi, SweetEyes! Welcome to YWS! I hope that you like it here as much as I do. There are so many incredibly talented writers on here, and they're very friendly! So, if there's any questions that you have, please feel free to ask me or any of them, and we'll be happy to oblige! Now, on to the piece.

All in all, it's good! I like how you showed the story from Tiger's point of view. That made it different. I understood what the story was and what was happening with the characters. I do have a few things I might change.

The family of four continued to scream and argue, completely oblivious to the small audience that had gathered around them.


As far as opening sentences go, this one's okay. It's too plain, in my eyes. Maybe I would've liked your opening better if you'd added just one more sentence; it would have filled it out and made it more interesting.

The short, frazzled woman snatched the envelope out of her husband's hands and ignored his words, her eyes flying over the text printed on the invitation. "She's our daughter Stefan; she deserves to have all the experiences of a normal teenager."


When I read this, it made me laugh. I can tell that it wasn't supposed to, but it did, and I'll explain why. There wasn't a comma between the words 'daughter' and 'Stefan'. Therefore, it came off sounded like the daughter's name was Stefan! I'd advise placing a comma in the proper place. I also noticed you did the same thing to other names throughout this piece, so it'd be best if you went through and corrected those errors.

All in all, nice work! Always keep writing!!!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  








He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind