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Would You Like a Cookie?



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Sat Nov 26, 2011 5:33 pm
Carefree says...



Spoiler! :
Hey there YWS! Hope you like this piece, it's my first one to post. Reviews would be greatly appreciated, I need to know how to better my writing. Keep writing. ~Alex~



On the doorstep of their shabby home, eight-year-old Mildred was crying again. Constance could hear her from the kitchen, where she was preparing the shopping list. Connie, who at age seventeen was Millie's only caretaker, couldn't stand to hear her little sister cry. She pulled on her father's old fleece overcoat and went outside to sit next to her on the cold cement steps.

"What's wrong, Millie, sweetie? Stop crying and tell me, please." She smoothed back the girl's soft brown hair, tucking it under her ear. "What's making you cry so close to Christmas?"

A snowfall three days ago had covered the streets with a blanket of white, but then rain arrived, pounding the soft layers down into hard packed piles of black grit and ice. Last night's frost had brought back the icicles, crooked and rough like an old crone's rotted teeth. They drooped down along every eave in the neighborhood. Today was cold and dry, but warm enough for the kids on Chestnut Street to play outside. The noisy laughter from their games filled the wintry day.

The little girl extended a shaking hand to point at a small group of children at the end of the street. "Those mean kids won't let me play with them!" She sniffed and used the sleeve of her sweatshirt to swipe at the bottom of her nose. "And when I was coming back here to tell you, that nasty ol' Vernon pushed me down!" She stood and twisted around, showing Connie the dirty snow that still clung to her sweatpants.

A pinched look came to Connie's face as she made a decision. It was her job to take care of her little sister now that their parents were gone. Constance gave her a quick hug. "Wipe your tears, silly girl! I know what we can do to make you feel better. Go wash your hands, and you can help me make sugar cookies! How does that sound?"

Millie's face lit up and she grabbed her sister around the waist in a fierce hug. "I love you so much, Connie!"

"Then go on, hurry up! It'll be fun. I promise."

A few minutes later, Millie ran into the kitchen, hands red from the cold-water scrubbing. From the table where she was mixing ingredients, Connie nodded approval for her efforts. As her sister clambered up by her side, Constance asked, "Remember how Mother always used to say, `To have a friend you must be one'?"

Millie sniffed and nodded, all attention on her big sister.

"Well, today we're gonna give out Christmas cookies to all those kids down the street."

"Even the ones who were mean to me?"

"Especially those. And remember Heather's sister, the one who stole Larry from me?"

"That mean, rotten, big girl that you hate?"

"Yep. We're even gonna give one to her." Constance smiled.

Despite the cold drafts that crept along the cracks and under the warped doorways, the sisters were merry. They sang along with the cheerful holiday music they knew so well, never noticing the popping sounds from the scratched old records or the crackle the low bass made as it struggled through worn-out speakers. The warm aromas of vanilla and lemon from fresh sugar cookies filled the air as Constance opened the oven.

"Now remember, Sweetie, this first batch is for us, but all the others that we make after are to give away. You can tell because I'll put the green sprinkles on the ones we give away."

"The ones with the green sprinkles," Millie repeated solemnly. "Because we have the Christmas spirit, right?"

Constance gave the girl an affectionate smile. "That's right, Sweetie, and these special cookies are just what those kids need to make them forget about not having snow."

"Will it snow for Christmas tomorrow, Connie?"

"I don't know, Sweetie, but I bet those kids will be happy to get these cookies." Constance began putting cookies in long rows to cool.

They were enough family, just the two of them. They missed their parents sometimes, but they didn't need them to be happy. The sisters grinned at each other, as the warmth from the oven helped them forget about the cold. They concentrated on the satisfaction that their Christmas cookies would bring.

Efficient as ever, Constance mixed green food coloring with the sugar to sprinkle on the cookies they were giving away, content to be baking again. She always used to make cookies for the holidays. Their parents had loved her cooking. Millie took a crumbly bite from her first cookie and rewarded her big sister with a sugary grin.



Outside, a bright winter sun shone down on the children playing along Chestnut Street. Four girls sang rhyming songs while they jumped rope. Alexis, who was waiting for her turn, noticed something unusual happening a few doors away.

"Hey, Crystal, look! There's that nasty Mildred from the crappy old house down the street. I think she's giving something away."

Crystal stopped skipping over the jump rope, and only when it fell at her feet did the two girls who held the ends dare to stop twirling. They turned to look in the direction Alexis was pointing.

"I bet she thinks if she gives us stuff, we'll let her play with us," Crystal sneered. "C'mon, let's go get some!"

The two girls twirling the rope hesitated. Heather said, "If she gives something to us, maybe we should let her play . . ." her voice died out as Alexis and Crystal turned on her. " . . .Or maybe not."

Lindy, who had been holding the other end of the jumprope, looked unsure of how she should feel. But then she glanced at Crystal's face, and easily mirrored the disdain she saw there.

The four friends ran down to join the small crowd that surrounded the little girl giving out large, untidily wrapped cookies. Her lackluster brown hair was falling out of an unadorned elastic band into the grime on her face. Smudges of white flour dusted the stained navy-blue sweats that she wore.

"Jeez, Mildred, why don't you change your clothes sometimes?" A girl with summery blonde hair sneered as she grabbed one of the largest cookies from Millie's hands.

"I just didn't have time today," Millie said, unaffected by the taunt. She turned and offered a cookie to a boy with brown curly hair.

He smirked as he unwrapped it. "Sorry I pushed you down today, Mildred." The lopsided grin on his face belied the kindness of his words. As he whirled to run, stuffing the cookie into his mouth, he called over his shoulder, "Sorry I didn't push you inna snowbank! Hahaha!"

Millie seemed not to hear him, turning instead to offer one to Crystal. "Here you go, Crystal."

"Gimme that!" Crystal said, grabbing the cookie from Millie's hand. "Who'd think that anything that smells good would come from that house?" Crystal said, derision marking her porcelain face as she turned her back on the dreary girl.

"Oh, Millie," wheedled Alexis. "I'm really sorry I wouldn't let you sit with us at lunch the other day. Can I have a cookie, too?"

"It's OK, Alexis, sure you can! I forgive you!" replied Millie with a big smile. "Me and my sister made these for everyone." She handed a large, green-sprinkled cookie to Crystal's best friend, perhaps even hoping that Alexis meant what she said. "Can I sit with you when we go back to school?"

"Ha!" came back the cruel reply as Alexis tossed her chestnut curls over her shoulder. "I don't think so! But thanks for the cookie, Mildred!" Alexis was already unwrapping the treat as she turned her back on Millie, too.

"Let's go, you guys!" Crystal had already eaten most of her cookie. Since there were no more, she was ready to go back to her own end of the street.

Heather, the last of Crystal's followers, said, "I didn't get one yet!"

"So sorry, you lose out! Let's go!" Crystal shouted, pushing the three girls away from Millie so they'd follow her. "C'mon, Heather!" Crystal started running back to where the jump rope was lying on the ground.

"But I want one!"

It was too late. Heather's companions had left her, and the girl in the stained sweatpants had no more cookies to share. Disappointed, Heather followed behind Crystal, while her lonely counterpart returned to where she belonged.

An icy wind grew, sweeping away the discarded plastic wrappings that scattered the street. All the children had gone back to their games, mouths full of sweet Christmas cookies.

Millie ran home, pleased with the reactions of the neighborhood kids. "Connie!" she exclaimed as she blew into the house and slammed the door. "All the cookies are gone, but I didn't get to give any to that mean girl Heather."

Constance was patient as she helped Millie remove the scarf and gloves from her cold hands. "You mean the one who lives in the white house with the big driveway?"

"Yeah, her. I'm sorry, Connie. I didn't see her in time."

"That's OK," said Constance as she reached for the sugar and the arsenic. "I have enough stuff left to sprinkle on some of the first cookies we made. We'll bring them to Heather and her sister, special delivery. Then we'll make some new ones, just for us to eat. Maybe chocolate chip instead." The sisters beamed at each other as they went to work.

Before they finished decorating the last cookies, the voices of young girls in distress could be heard through the flimsy walls of their house. Soon a young male's wailing joined the refrain. The sisters glanced at each other and tried to suppress giggles but failed. Constance turned the record player up louder so she and Millie could finish decorating their special Christmas cookies. They'd be ready to give to that rotten boyfriend-stealer before the ambulances arrived.

Constance smiled.
“Board the cows! We've come to enslave your marigolds. ”
― Libba Bray, Going Bovine
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:17 pm
LividRose says...



Very well done. I do have to admit, I had to read the last paragraphs a second time to understand. Once I did, they blew me away. What an ending!
I loved this short story, because of the dark tones underneath that aren't obvious until the very end. I found that it made the whole thing much more frightening and disturbing.
The only thing I can say to improve really has nothing to do with your writing, it is just that the spacing between the paragraphs looked a little wonky to me at some points.
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:31 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there Alex!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you have an awesome time here :)

When it comes to your story, I really enjoyed it. I guessed that the sisters would poison the cookies, mainly because you mentioned this was a horror style story, but knowing how it might end didn't deter me from reading. You really do have a nice way of writing. The descriptions were great, allowing me to picture the children and Millie's expressions. The dialogue was believable too which helped to make the story more realistic. Not that poisoning children, even the horrible ones, is something that should be done in reality :P

I didn't spot any mistakes, so well done there, and I think you ended the story in just the right place. If you had gone on to describe Millie and Connie giving the cookies to Heather and her sister then the story could have felt too long and a little repetitive. I think the cliffhanger type ending was great and works well for horror stories in general.

The only thing I'd like to see is you adding in more about their parents. It isn't really vital to the plot that you include something more about them, but I think it'll help fill in some blanks when it comes to Connie and Millie's background. Even something as simple as 'The car crash had been six months ago now, but they were coping the best they could.' That sort of thing, only better :P

I hope this helps and congrats on a great short story!

Any questions, scribble on my wall :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:43 pm
murtuza says...



Hey, Carefree!

Firstly, welcome to YWS! I'm glad you joined this community! And congratulations on your first post. A really great one at that too!

This poem is so sweet and lovely. About two sisters who are without their parents and are trying to adjust to their life. The independent, hardworking older sister who looks after her slightly timid, but cheerful younger sister and the meanies - the kids, have all been very well portrayed with unique characters in-built.

The story in itself is very simple and the twist at the end is so funny! :D
This is the type of writing that makes me want to sit and write something myself. And I'm getting so inspired right now, seeing as I'm far from being as good a story teller as you.

So all in all, excellent work writing this and I enjoyed reading every word! Keep the ink flowing and here's to more amazing writes as well!

I hope you have a great time here on YWS and feel free to ask me anything, whether it be a review or even any other help :)

Murtuza
:)
It's not about the weight of what's spoken.
It's about being heard.
  








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