Spoiler! :
I can still remember the day we met her with every sore and unwilling shard in my brain. I can recall every word that was said, every single sickening syllable. It was not- in anyway- the fairytale my brothers made it out to be. You, my friend, deserve the honest truth. So sit back, relax, and try not to vomit in your mouth.
It was Wednesday, the worst day of the week, and my brothers and I were hiking home from yet another day at the mines. They were singing loudly and incredibly off-key to some random Ke$ha mining song that they were and I quote, “So in love with.” I had groaned, smacking my head and thought “Why in the world are they so dang cheery? What is wrong with them?” Before I could think of some reasons why, my ears picked up a beautiful sound. It was distinctly feminine, although more high-pitched than the usual female singing voice. As soon as that last thought had escaped my brain, a figure stepped from the bushes. I knew immediately it was the owner of the voice I heard. Her appearance matched her voice. She had long, dark hair that seemed to ride just above her slender waist. Her skin was ghostly pale and her red-as-wine lips stuck out like a cardinal in a room of doves. She rose above us, although she could not have been more than 5’4. She had one of those to perfect, seemingly ageless, faces. Although, my guess was that she lay about nineteen. That’s when she ruined every image of beauty I had of her. She looked at us. Her eyes were a silvery shade, filed of cold contempt. When she smiled, it never reached her eyes.
“Finally!” She squealed, “Real live beings! You can’t imagine how long it’s been! ”
I narrowed my eyes. The girl had made it sound as though she’d been alone in the woods for weeks. However, her dress; blue and yellow, studded with tiny fake diamonds; wasn’t even ripped. My brothers had, in their ignorance, swarmed around her.
“Well hello! I’m Kevin!”
“Wilhema.”
“Egland, that’s me!”
“I’m Snicket!”
The female pursed her lips. “What odd, odd names! I’ve never heard such names in my life! May I nickname you? I do believe, after all, that we will be great friends!”
Great friends? We had just met and she was already acting like some random imposing mother! I watched in horror as my brothers all nodded their heads.
“Then I’ll call you Sleepy,” she said; pointing her finger at Augustus, who was virtually asleep on his feet. She then adverted her gaze towards a grinning Julius.” You’re Dopey.” Julius, I mean Dopey, scratched his purple cap as though he didn’t understand his new name. She pointed to Snicket, bow shaped lips pursed. “I’ll call you Happy. Snicket burst into one of his well-known smiles. The idiots! They couldn’t see how the woman was using them, gaining their trust! The woman turned to me. “I don’t believe I know your name.”
“Ludwig.”
She tried to smile, but it came out as more of a smirk.
“Ludwig. That’s a very...erm...interesting name? Yes, interesting but so hard to pronounce for a simple girl like myself. Do you mind if I call you...” She paused, trying to think of a name as embarrassing as my brother’s. She smiled softly. “Do you mind if I call you Grumpy?” In fact, I had minded. Greatly. I wasn’t about to be stereotyped as the angry, grumpy dwarf. Even if I was. All the while, the accursed was smiling. “Grumpy. I rather like it. She looked down at me, as if daring me to challenge her. I didn’t. Now I wish I had. Instead, I had foolishly given her my best glare. She looked away.
“Now my dear dwarves,” she said, changing the subject,” I have been looking for shelter for some time now. I came across a cabin this morning, but not a soul was home. Was that your cabin?”
“Yeah, it was.” Kevin, who the woman had called Doc for some odd reason, said.
“Then...” The woman’s eyes glinted,” may I? Stay with you, I mean.”
“Of course, Princess!” Egland sneezed. The woman’s lips had curled up at Egland’s bizarre comment: a bad memory, perhaps? Egland and the rest of my brothers had just looked confused. “You are a Princess, right?” Egland backtracked. “You’re certainly pretty enough.”
“Thank you,” she said, avoiding the question. “That’s very kind.”
Augustus began to waddle sleepily towards the cabin and the female started to follow. Much to everyone’s surprise, Doc held up his hand.
“You can stay with us on one condition.” He told the ‘Princess.’
“What?” The woman said bitterly, her shoulders tensing up.
“Tell us your name.”
She relaxed visibly, even putting on a smile. “My name? Well, you can call me Snow. Snow White.”
When I stepped into the house, my mouth had dropped open. There wasn’t a dish in the sink, a speck of dust on the wall, not even a spider web in the corner. It was...just...AWFUL. It had felt like I’d stepped into a germaphobic’s castle. After living in a filth whole, I’d grown use to dirt and grime; we all had. I’d expected my brothers to faint from shock right then and there. Instead they looked around like fish, their mouth’s going up and down repeatedly.
“It’s BEAUTIFUL!” Snicket, or Happy, had gushed.
“Did you do this?” Kevin asked.
Snow fiddled with her dress and shrugged.
“Do you like it?” She asked.
“Of course!” My brothers cheered.
“Of course I did it,” she said smiling,” Was my pleasure. Now, why don’t you go wash up for supper while I start it?”
Wash. She was kidding, right? Dwarves didn’t ‘wash.’ We just didn’t. It was like asking a vegetarian to eat meat! My brothers and I exchanged looks and I could tell they were thinking the same thing.
“Well?” Snow asked. “Move along!
“Er...” Kevin cleared his throat. “We tashed- I mean washed- whem-them- yesterday.”
That was a bad sign. Kevin always stuttered when he was nervous. Which, if I was bluntly honest, was a lot.
“Really?” Snow said suspiciously. “Show them to me.”
The dwarves got in a line. I’m not sure why we did it. Maybe it was the stony, no-nonsense look that Snow White was giving us. Julius, always the eager dwarf, had been the first in line. He stuck his hands out and Snow clucked her tongue disapprovingly.
“Dirty.” She proclaimed. “Next?”
Augustus stepped up. Snow had the same reaction. Kevin, Wilhema, Snicket, and Egland all got the same treatment.
“Out! Go wash, or it’ll be no Supper for you!” She had said the last words teasingly, but they rang with menace to me.
My brothers had marched out of the house. I hid my hands behind my back and followed, sending a side long glance at Snow.
“We have to do this!” Kevin had stated, going into speech mode. “For the princess!”
I huffed from my spot on the barrel outside of our home. There was no way in the great Odin’s name was I washing my hands.
“Bah!” I’d shouted bitterly. “ That woman has you eatin’ from her hand already!”
They all ignored me, singing some stupid song about washing. “Women.” I muttered under my breath.
“Come on Grumpy!” Snicket said happily. “Don’t you want your Supper?”
“Oh, I’ll get food. I just ain’t washin’.”
Smiles spread across their faces, making them look like overly happy zombies. I knew exactly what was about to happen.
“Wash time!” Snicket cried gleefully.
My brothers all swarmed around me, pulling me high above their heads. They carried me to the wash bin that I hadn’t known we owned, flailing arms and all.
“In you go!” Kevin cried.
Then they dumped me in, clothes and all. The soapy bubbles stung at my eyes and my clothes stuck to my body, making me shiver. I was almost positive that wasn’t what Snow meant by ‘washing up.’ Almost.
The next day wasn’t much better. I mean, Snow White was late preparing breakfast which means we didn’t have to wash. However, my good day lasted until we got to the mine. That’s when my overly cheery brothers usually started singing a cheery We-love-working-our-buts-off tune. You know, the classic ‘Hi-Ho’ or my brothers new favorite ‘Tik Clock.’ I usually didn’t mind them, even going as far as singing along on my better days. That day when they opened their mouths a sweet and melodious tune came out. I recognized it as the song Snow had been singing when we first met her. Taylor Swift’s ‘Today was a fairytale.’ Their rough, baritone voices scratched against the high-pitched song making it sound something like a dying llama. I’d plugged my ears with diamonds and sweated through another six hours of Taylor Swift’s greatest hit’s. Instead of wondering where my brothers had even learned a Taylor Swift song, like any sane person would’ve done, I merely muttered and grumbled to myself, hoping that the great dwarf fates would kill me before Taylor Swift did.
Then came the day I officially hated Sundays. Being that it’s the only day we have off , it was usually the only day of the week I didn’t hate. Until Snow suggested we all go on a picnic. Didn’t anyone ever tell her about ‘Unlucky thirteen?’ Apparently no one had the sense to, because first thing that morning Snow was up packing us lunches and singing-again. She rushed us through the door before anyone- and by anyone I mean me- could utter a single complaint.
The sky was crisp and fresh, without even the faintest trace of rain. I remember hoping for a thunderstorm, but no sign of one would come. Snow led us up a beaten path to the top of a grassy hill. In five seconds flat she had the picnic blanket in front of us and sandwiches in everyone’s hands. I took a tentative bite of mine, figuring it to be tainted with poison. If only. The foul mix had flooded my mouth, rolling between my teeth like slimy seaweed. The twisted scent of tuna and anchovy rose to my nostrils. The worst sandwich combination in the history of breaded lunches. Possibly the worst part- Snow knew we hated them. All seven of us had despised them since our youth. Snow sent me an innocent, lopsided grin. She acted like she didn’t remember my ‘Do not, under any circumstance, make us tuna and anchovy sandwiches’ speech. I looked around at my brothers, spotting Julius and watching his face for the disgust that was sure to come. Julius, or ‘Dopey’ as Snow called him, devoured the first bite of his sandwich. I waited, less than patiently, for his certain disgust. Nothing. He took another bite ravenously, like there was no time to waste eating that horrid sandwich. I looked around at the rest of my brothers as they chatted and ate. None of them showed any signs of disgust. They ate, and ate, and ate, like there was nothing wrong. Snow White caught my eye and gave a little five fingered wave. That was the very last straw. The very last. I could put up with Taylor Swift and clean houses, but nobody messes with Ludwig Van Dwarfinstiens sandwiches. Not even Snow White.
I looked up at the faintly glowing lights of the ramshackle old mining factory with growing anticipation. The words above clearly spelled exactly what I wanted to see: Fairy Godfather’s Dark Potions, Spells, and Decorative Fruit Baskets. I pushed open the rotting double doors.
Witches- the ugly, broom flying kind- flitted from shelf to shelf, black dresses flying behind them. The whole place was dimly lit but every bottle glowed. I folded up the add that had brought me here and shoved it into my pocket. I walked up to what I presumed to be a counter- it was old, rusty, and rotted and hard to tell what exactly it was. The witch at the presumed counter glanced up at me from her ‘Witch Weekly.’
“Fairy Godfather’s Dark Potions, Spells, and Decorative Fruit Baskets. How may I help you?”
“Uh…” I paused, thinking about my revenge for a suspended moment. “Can I see your arrangement of fruit baskets?”
“Sure,” she replied lazily.
The witch reached under the counter, pulling up six different fruits and propped them up on the rotted counter.
“These are our current singles available to be arranged at current. This,” her long, hooked finger hovered over a to-perfect red apple, “is the poison apple.”
My eyes scanned the apple, just a bit temped, before rejecting the idea. No, I didn’t want to kill Snow. Just get her away from my brothers and I.
“This here,” the witch continued, her green hand grazing the top of the orange, “is the exploding orange. ‘Nuff said. That,” she gazed at the kiwi, not even touching it, “let’s just say you don’t want it. Ain’t pretty. Now this,” she picked up the pear, “best item we have! Perish pear! Get’s rid of whoever ya’ need without killin’ them. Just POOF! They’re gone to some place- usually their dream location- and you’re rid of ‘em!”
There was only a moment’s pause before I hear myself say; “I’ll take it!”
It was, after all, the perfect product. Imagine! Something that wouldn’t hurt my brother’s precious princess, but would purge her from my life forever!
“Okay. Single or basket?”
“Just the single.”
The witch began to examine her painted black nails. “Deliver or take home?”
I paused, a small idea protruding into my rather large head.
“Deliver to recipient. Snow White. Delivered by a witch, preferably. As soon as possible.” I began mapping the plan out in my head, thinking about anything I forgot. “You’ll know Snow White when you see her. She’s the only female in Dwarf Creek.”
“Okay.” The witch waved her finger. “All set. You can leave now.”
How very kind of her to invite me to stay. Witches were never hospital creatures. Then again, the counter witch had lost total interest in me and the other witches were beginning to send me weird glances. I had no other business there, and was happy to leave. It was time to sit back and watch.
I looked around the darkly lit cavern that day at my eleven brothers. Thankfully, they were all singing their own private tune instead of being one giant headache. I began humming to myself. That was the day Snow White would perish, gone from our lives forever. No more washing, no more Taylor Swift, no more poison sandwiches. Just my bachelor brothers and I. Just the way it was before. I hammered the stone, wishing I could see Snow bite into that pear. I glanced over at Kevin, who was closest. I don’t even think he knew I was there. He was wrapped in his own world, his eyes and mind completely concentrated on the stone wall. I knew immediately that I could sneak out to watch Snow without my brothers even noticing. I’d done it only yesterday, and nobody had said a word on my disappearance. I began to edge myself towards the entrance of the mine, as fast as I could without being noticed. I’d been greedy for revenge, blinded by my own hatred towards Snow and eagerness to see her devour the Perish Pear. To add in a good measure, I even stopped to hammer the rocks a few times. None of my brothers even gave me a second glance as I inched closer and closer to the entrance. Before I knew it, I was barely steps from the light of the outside world. I sent a last look traced with naive victory and slipped out of the long tunnel.
I clicked my feet together in a jump of pure joy as I raced towards our cabin. Oh, happy day! The cabin came into view quickly and I crept up to it with as much stealth as I could muster. She was relaxing on the small polka-dotted chair, curled into a small ball so that she could fit. Her dark hair melted around her shoulders and her silver-blue gaze was fixed on a magazine. At that moment, I could almost see why my brothers loved her so much. She was rather…what’s the word? Beautiful. A knock at the door startled me, causing me to gaze around my spot at the back window before looking back at Snow White. My disturbed thoughts evaporated as Snow got up, threw her shoulders back and looked absolutely cocky. She put on a smile and pulled open the door.
“Hello?” She asked in a sweet voice.
An old lady covered in long black robes had stood there, unimposing in the doorway. She smiled at Snow with thin lips. The old woman grasped a basket filled to the brim with unseen fruits in her gnarly hand. My pear delievery!
“Oh, what a pretty girl you are!” The old hag croaked with a strangely enticing voice. “I just picked a basket of fruit from my orchard and I have oh, so many. I was wondering if any of my neighbors would like to share my bounty with me. Especially a girl as beautiful as yourself!”
“Well, thank you!” Snow said, eyeing the basket. “Really though, I couldn’t!”
“Oh, my dear! You can!”
The witch, for clearly that’s what she was, reached into her basket and pulled out a distinguished round fruit. An apple. Not a pear, as I had clearly ordered, but a shiny red apple. I tried to remember the apples spell name, desperately searching my brain for some kind of guess. Obnoxious apple? No, Snow didn’t need that. Pretty apple? That made no sense. It had started with a P, I knew that much. The poison apple. The name hit me like a ten pound brick. I was about to poison Snow White. Fairy Godfather would never hear the end of it for this screw-up. I watched Snow’s eyes as they zoomed in on the apples flawless flesh.
“May I really?”
“I insist.”
Snow took the apple from the witch’s outstretched hand and turned it over in her own dainty fingers.
“One bite…couldn’t hurt.”
Snow grasped the apple, bringing it to her stained red lips. I gasped, part of me wishing I could do or say something. I was to chicken, my muscles refused to move- or so my excuse was. Snow took a firm bite from it, collapsing to the ground with a sickening thud. The old woman shrugged as her nose grew and her skin took on a green tint.
“My work here is done.”
She twirled around and let out a long whistle. A broom swooped from the sky and the witch hoped on it, gone as quickly as she’s come. I walked around with a creeping reluctance to the front of our cottage. Snow had laid there, her skin even more pale than usual. Her hair was arranged like a fan around her heart-shaped face. I heard footsteps and immediately tensed. My brothers. I turned around, coming face to face with Kevin- I mean, Doc.
“The ganimals,” He frowned, looking flustered, “I mean animals, got us.”
I stepped in front of Snow White, making an attempt to hide her from view. I looked up to see the birds flutter away and watch the deer scramble towards the forest. Snow had always had this strange connection with animals, one that she never explained. In fact-
“Princess!”
Egland sneezed out the word, pushing is way to the front of our small group. Dopey, or Julius, followed him- unable to say a word. I sighed and stepped away from Snow’s body, revealing her existence. As soon as I did, I was shoved aside as my brothers scrambled for their spot next to Snow. They each took off their hats off and bowed their heads. Even Snicket’s abnormally happy face was drawn in sadness.
“Did you see what happened?” He asked, looking up at me.
I felt as though the breath had been knocked out of me. The truth lodged in my throat, choking me.
“No,” I heard myself lie. “I arrived right before you did. I found her…like this.”
Snicket nodded and looked back down at Snow.
“She’s so beautiful…” Wilhema whispered bashfully.
“Even in death.” Kevin muttered.
Silence echoed off the trees and I could’ve heard the sound of tears on the forest floor.
“We can’t bury her, we can’t!” Snicket cried out as Julius bursted into tears.
“No. We can’t.” Kevin said. I noted absentmindedly that he wasn’t stuttering. “We will make her a coffin of glass and make her a shrine in the forest. That’s what they deserves.”
It was all too easy. They believed me, not even finding it strange that I had not walked home with them like I always did. Not even caring that I was the one found with the body of their dead princess, they still believed me. They didn’t even notice the tears in my eyes as I let it all go. Sometimes I wonder just how blind they really are.
Days melted into months and months melted into seasons. Every Wednesday the dwarves visited Snow White’s grave. I will never understand why we did it. We hardly knew Snow, being that she was with us for barely a week. I suppose loyalty like theirs can start fast and move through anything.
It was Wednesday and the seven of us were creeping through the forest like only dwarves can- with loud, hippo-like movements. We quickly reached the meadow in the forest where Snow’s shrine was hidden. Snicket peered through the trees and gasped.
“What is it?” Egland sneezed out.
Snicket didn’t answer- he raised his finger instead, his hand shaking. We followed his accusing gaze to…the figure hunched over Snow’s coffin.
“She can’t be… Not after all this time.” I thought the figure muttered.
I watched with a slight, secret amusement, as my brother’s faces reddened with rage. Nobody disturbed Snow’s memorial. My brothers were insanely protective of it. That stranger approaching it and muttering like a lunatic? He was about to die.
My brothers marched, in that weird single-file line of theirs, towards the figure. Kevin cleared his throat as I ran to join them. The figure looked up. He had porcelain features, much like Snow’s; a tiny nose, ivory skin, and bow shaped lips. His foggy brown eyes were a rich brown color. It was almost too bad they lacked any sign of intelligence. On top of his thick brown hair laid a heavily jeweled crown.
“Who are you? Why yare- are you here? You should be here! This is our friend’s memorial!” Kevin stuttered out, giving the man a glare.
“Your…friend?”
The man’s eyes lit up with something that could’ve been curiosity, but perhaps it was amusement. I studied him again, trying to take it all in. He wore a tight tunic that went down to his thighs. On his legs, instead of pants like any other man would’ve worn, were the ugliest pair of tights I’d ever seen. They meant the guy could only be one thing-
“Prince!” Augustus cried, just waking up.
Yeah. That. My brother’s faces had flushed as they realized the truth. The prince only shrugged.
“That I am. Say…’ he turned his creepily perfect face back to Snow, “would your friend happen to be,” he swallowed, “a woman by the name of Snow White?”
My brothers, being themselves, went silent with shock. This man, who was caught red handed by my brothers, was a prince searching for Snow? I struggled to hide my disappointment that he was not something a bit more interesting.
“What’s it to ya’?” I asked, interrupting the silence.
“I’ve been searching for her across the lands. She is the fairest of them all, and I will marry her.”
Ah, what a gentlemen. The spoiled rich kid kind, who threw a fit when they didn’t get what they wanted. Oh, and a woman’s right leader to! He was such a catch! That’s sarcastic code for- I hated his guts. I looked over at my brothers, hoping naively they saw through his perfect exterior to his spoiled core. It was a stupid hope, of course. They were all gazing up at him like they expected him to sprout wings and start singing.
“That’s so sweet!” Snicket gushed.
It had felt like Snow White all over again. Except my brothers had made ten times more sense trusting Snow. I mean, trusting a pretty girl is one thing. Trusting a guy in tights? That’s a whole ‘nother kind of crazy.
“Thank you.” He bowed. “Alas, if only…” Princely looked over at Snow’s still body, encased in the glass coffin. “If only I could’ve kissed her, just once.”
He spoke with such force that we all knew what he was going to do. Well, jolt up spoiled about ten times higher! Really, if he couldn’t have her in life, he was going to have her in death. I mean, ew? Mr.Perfect was far more desperate than I thought. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Wilhema brush away a tear. I sighed in defeat.
“Just kiss her so we can all go home.” I said bitterly.
My brothers sent me disapproving looks, but the princes gaze was all on Snow white. Tenderly, he lifted up the coffin lid. Leaning over, he kissed Snow White on her stained red lips. A heart beat passed, followed quickly by another. The prince lifted his head away from Snow’s, but his gaze never left her face. The whole forest was quiet, waiting for something. Hoping for something miraculous. Snow’s eyes seemed to flutter in the breeze.
“W-Where…?” a voice croaked. An achingly familiar voice.
“Snow?” All six of my brothers gasped.
“Dwarves?” She coughed, her voice sounding like dust had been shoved down her windpipe. Her head tilted to the side, eyes growing wide. “My prince?”
The Prince swooped her from the coffin and up into his arms. “You’re alive!” He squealed girlishly. “I must plan the wedding! No price will be spared! It’ll be talked about for centuries.” He beamed down at her. “You are so beautiful.”
“Only as much as you are handsome.”
The prince kissed her again before setting her down. They were going about things as though it were rehearsed, although my understanding was that this was their first meeting. Had I been the only one to see the strangeness of a dead girl coming back to life? The prince whistled, and a horse appeared from the west side of the forest.
“Say goodbye to your ser- I mean friends, honey.”
The dwarves, as if by cue from the prince, gathered around Snow White.
“Must you go?” Kevin asked.
“I’m afraid so. This is my calling and he is my love. “She looked back at the prince and blew him a kiss. He winked back. “I will always remember you and the kindness you have given me.”
She leaned down and took of Dopey’s- or, as I should now say, Julius’- hat and kissed his bald head. He blushed as she moved down across the line. Kevin took off his hat before receiving his kiss. Snicket came next, followed by Egland, Wilhema, and Augustus. Before I knew it, she was in front of me. With a wry smile, she swooped off my hat and kissed my head like she did all the others.
“I forgive you.” She whispered, her breath hot on my ear.
My heart sped up. Did she know that- in some removed way- it was my apple that half-killed her?
“For what?” I asked, steadily as I could manage.
“For not loving me at first sight, of course! It really hurt me, but I forgive you now!”
She forgave me? For not…loving her? She pushed herself up and gave me that ‘I’m-so-perfect’ grin that my brothers always fell for. I shoved my hands behind my back, struggling not to strangle her. All that, just because I didn’t love her immediately? I watched as Snow White hopped on the prince’s horse, sending us a final wave. We were being mature now, as I figured by Snow’s apology. So I did the most mature thing I could possibly think of. The thing I knew would be the perfect end to this less-than-perfect tale.
I stuck my tongue out at her.
Spoiler! :
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