Young Writers Society

its my first time writing something, please give me your comments !!! . Here goes nothing :

Her hands were chained at her side , an iron chain was tied around her hip and connected to the wall . She looked and felt weak , her head spun as she looked up for the last time and saw the plate of food that was kept in front of her , she lifted her foot to take a step but stopped and remembered she couldn't and wouldn't be able to move forward . Her head went down . Her brown hair covered her face completely . She said a silent prayer to god , praying for her family . She heard her cell door open and looked up .
As she looked up she saw a small fat man enter . He was bald and short and smelt weird . He was sweaty but nothing compared to the girl . He wore a grey shirt and black pants , like every other guard in this palace/dungeon place . He came towards the girl in four swift strides trying to avoid getting his shoes dirty . He was three inches shorter than the girl . He started to takeout something from his shoe .
He reached for a knife . The knife had floral designs everywhere except for the blade . It had three emeralds , then three ruby's and then three blue sapphires engraved on the bottom of the handle . He took it out and held it against the girls throat and said "Girl tell me your name" . She said very calmly "why ?" .
"before I kill i need to know the victims name"
"before I tell my name , can I know why was I bought in this hellhole" She raised her voice a bit .
"your family betrayed this kingdom , they killed most of our soldiers , they set fire to all the houses , my family died in that fire" He said while digging the knife into her throat .
"I don't even know who my family was , they left me to grow up on my own" The girl said , the truth was shown from her eyes , but he didn't care about that , he cared about revenge .
"I don't care about whether you knew your family or not , I have sworn to kill your family The Blackfeathers , until none of you is left and guess what your the last, so tell me your name"He said .
The whole dungeon started to shake the chains that were tied to her hips and hands opened themselves , around her body a black mist started to form , the bald guy was taken a back . Her brown eyes went black , her hair flying slightly in her air . She was 5 inches above the ground , she made a crushing action with her right hand and the bald guy died on the spot , his head was twisted in an awkward way , almost detached from his head . His hand's were behind his back and lots of cuts were there , lots of blood was there .
Then abruptly she fell to ground , the mist around her body had vanished but her eyes were still black . She went towards the guy and took his knife and put it into her boot and whispered to him "My name is Alessaandra , burn in hell" and then a voice entered her head , it slowly said "Alessandra , remember one thing , control us,use for whatever but if you don't use us or control us , we will learn to control you" .
Alessandra pulled her hair and screamed , a sudden pressure went all around her body and stopped . She looked at the dead body beside her and went back and clutched her legs , she shivered and then started crying . She couldn't have done that , she couldn't believe what she had done ,she sat there just staring at it . A white light hit her and a boy around her age entered , he had black hair and brown eyes . He wore a white shirt and blue baggy jeans and converse he went and sat near her and said "its okay" , Alessandra turned her head towards him and said "how is it okay , i just killed a man"
"well I've burned down a house" he said
"I don't care what you did , I don't even know who you are ?" Alessandra said while staring at him
"Well i'm Kevin Leoford , and come one you'll find out more if you come with me , how about it ?" he said while getting up and offering a hand , he gave a slight smile ,the truth was shining from him . Alessandra nodded , and grabbed his hand and they walked out . She didn't know what she had just gotten into .

Hi, Tanya.

First I just want to say welcome to YWS! I see you're a new member. I'm Smylin', and I'll see if I can't help you out a bit with this piece here.

To kick things off, I will say that the overall appearance of this, grammatically and punctuational wise, was just a tad bit on the messy side. It could definitely use some sprucing up, especially regarding sentence structure. I think you'll find that semicolons and periods are your friends more often than placing commas unnecessarily to keep a sentence going. You don't want run-ons so much as you want clear and smooth flowing sentences. There's also no need to place spaces between commas and periods. In fact, I found it somewhat distracting, but these things are all easily fixable! So no need to fret. If you want, I'd be glad to help you edit things so that it's all cleared up. :]

Now, as for the actual content of the story. I like that you know at least where you want your story to go and that you've given it some sort of decent thought as far as what's happening and why. Though I do think you could have been a little less vague in places and a little less outright in telling as well. Like when the guard came in and gave the MC an explanation for why she was where she was. You gave to much blunt information in one place, and the pacing wasn't very even at all. Like a small bump in the road.

The setting had me a little off. From the narration of the story, I can see that it takes place in "this palace/dungeon place" as you put it. Which gets me thinking it probably takes place in a different time period than the present. But then you bring in the Kevin character, and he's dressed in destroyed Levi's and converse and a white t-shirt. The setting is a little odd and random seeming in this case. Though I have yet to unravel the rest of the story, it seems you've simply plopped your reader into an unheard of situation. I'm somewhat trying to adapt, but you don't give me much more to cling to yet.

I noticed in one place you contradicted yourself. Early on in the story you mention the character saying a silent prayer for her family. This gives me the impression she has a relationship with them. The guard then makes a comment about her family, and this is when she says, "I don't even know who my family was , they left me to grow up on my own" The girl said , the truth was shown from her eyes". It becomes pretty apparent when a writer contradicts themselves in their work, so you may want to correct this because it comes off very odd.

As for how the story picked up, I think in my own preference, sometimes too much action occurring all at once in the start of a story can seem overwhelming if you don't know how to pace it right. Be mindful of taking time to breathe in the atmosphere of everything that's going on in your story. No need to ever rush into things. You have all the time in the world to unravel things smoothly. The way this left off felt a little too rushed. And by rushed I mean that the MC and the boy don't even know each other, yet they seem to form this ideal bond just in time to run off together. I think it'd be clever of you to be realistic with the entry of this new character and still keep this quick-paced tempo. No need to merge the two.

Overall, I think you could probably make this up into a better second draft. Maybe even a better third draft. Just give the story as a whole a little thinking before you begin to unravel the little things. You don't want to give away too much too fast. Watch you pace and be mindful of your punctuation! If you need help, feel free to ask. I'm also here if you have any questions regarding anything I mentioned in my review.

Good luck with your story, and keep up the writing!

-Smylin'

SmylinG did a fantastic job. And welcome to the Young Writer's Society! I'm Mata, or KF -- whatever you're most comfortable with. I'm also a new member! Please, enjoy your stay here. The members are pretty friendly, and the staff is very helpful.

GRAMMAR

• There doesn't have to be a space before a comma or a period -- only after. This might be a formatting problem, but I thought I would say it just in case.
  
  
• There seems to be a handful of run-on sentences, and more specifically, I would watch out for comma splicing. When two independent clauses are connected by only a comma, they constitute a run-on sentence that is called a comma splice. To connect to independent clauses, try a comma and a conjunction, a dash, or a semicolon. Or, you could just break them down into two separate sentences.
  
  
• Watch your capitalization. Proper nouns, like "God", need to be capitalized. And, you must capitalize the first word of a sentence. Dialogue is not exclude from this rule.
  
  
• DIALOGUE GRAMMAR
  - Use a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said").
  - Periods and commas go inside the quotation marks in the United States. Depending on where you're from, I would look this rule up.
  - When a tag line interrupts a sentence, it should be set off by commas.
  - For interior dialogue, italics are appropriate. Just be consistent.

This is just to get you started.