Young Writers Society

Chapter 2 - Sepia in Winter

It had been only three months since I met him. No longer simply chilly, it was positively frigid here on December seventeenth. As usual, Sky came to Mulberry Lane after school, trudging across the split sidewalk after racing down the street, his backpack slung over one shoulder and blond hair rippling in the wind. He hadn't cut it in at least four months; it definitely needed a haircut.

"Hey, Sepia," he called out.

"Hi," I replied quietly. I don't think he heard me, but after knowing me for a while, he knew what I meant. He slowed down as he approached me and my sorry home. Sky must have sprinted all the way to Mulberry Lane from school; it wasn't even three o'clock yet.

I don't go to school. I try to home school as best I can, but it's kind of hard when I don't even have a computer or any schoolbooks with which to teach myself anything. None. You see, my dad is a bit messed-up. he's drunk most of the time, and he barely goes out of the house except to occasionally go to the grocery store and get some booze, and if I'm lucky, some real groceries. I do the cooking, and pretty much take care of myself most of the time. I earn any money we get by working at a little coffee shop a few blocks from the house, and of course we still have the small supply of money Mom left us.

Once upon a time, Dad was just a regular, loving old dad. That is, until Mom died. Then, he started drinking and I started working. We moved to here, Nebraska, right after the funeral, and fortunately I'm old enough now to take care of myself. I never started school because for one, Dad would never and could never drive me there himself, and also because I didn't know where the school was until it was too late, when Sky came and told me. I didn't think it was even worth it at that point. Sky didn't argue, that is, until that day in December.

We went inside for some hot chocolate that I had managed to earn at the shop, on account of my really nice old boss. Everything was white that day, it seemed: the old ladies at my work, the coffee mugs, the marshmallows in our hot cocoa. And especially the snow. I can't believe I didn't mention it before - it filled the street, the ground, the trees...it was piled up, white after white after white layers of flakes on the window, on the roof, on the doorstep. We were lucky to have warm, chocolatey drinks with their gooey white marshmallows on a day like this.

"You know, Sepia," Sky said, sipping at his steaming mug, "you really should go to school. I mean, if you think about it, how else are you gonna get a life? You know you can't just stay at that little tiny coffee shop, filling and refilling mugs forever."

I frowned, slipping my hands around the comforting, chipped surface of my drink.

"They used to tease me at school. Bully me. Hurt me," I mumbled, even softer than I usually speak. A Sepia whisper in the air.

"C'mon. I'll be there if anyone tries to bully you. Please?" He looked so hopeful, those blue eyes with the white, white whites. The smile with the perfect white teeth. Perfect white face. Perfect white hair. I had to.

"I suppose," I replied, a tiny bit louder this time. He grinned again.

"Thanks, Sepia." I managed a small smile, but I was so out of practice, my lips would barely even part.

At that moment, my dad came in. Stupid Max. My dad. A little scared that he would not take it easily if he were to spot Sky sitting at our table, I hurriedly led my friend outside to let my father roam around on his own, safe from losing control in front of us.

Despite the freezing weather, we stayed out there for the better part of half an hour, tromping through and in and around the snow, and attempting to climb the frozen tree by my house. I had never been able to get to the top of that tree; it was just so tall and the branches were too far apart for me or Sky. I so wanted to get up there, though. I know this sounds cheesy, but I looked up at the topmost branches and just thought that it would make me feel so light and free, like maybe I could do anything.

Free from fear and too much wishing. And silence. Free from the fear that my dad, no matter how careless he is, would be taken away from me. Dead. Arrested. Me to a place that I know would be far worse than a drunk father and a moldy house. Free from wishing my heart out for the impossible. Mom will never be back, ever. Free from the silence of my house, of my father. Of myself.

I know I have it bad, but I also know that other people have it worse: Not Skyler. Not my dad. Not even my mom. People that I don't care about, people that I don't love. In my world, I am the most miserable, the most depressed. Nobody feels more terrible than I do. Nobody.

I am not proud to be Cassiopeia Jenkins.

So... I will start reading and quoting/commenting on the way. My opinion will be at the end, kay? Kay.
Hope I don't come off too harsh or whatnot. If you haven't noticed already, I don't really beat around the bush when/if I find something that isn't quite right. Haha But I promise I'm not mean!(:

*Note: [brackets] for my own insertions/replacement of certain words or phrases in your sentences; (parenthesis) for my input/comments.
I think that's all you have to know...

Now, enough dilly-dallying. Off to read!!!

it definitely needed a haircut.

I think since you used "it" to refer to the hair as the subject of this clause, you can simply go with "cut" instead of "haircut".

...any schoolbooks with which to teach myself anything. None.

The "none" seems a little extraneous to me. I personally think the emphasis would have been better received if it was separated to be on its own, with the next sentence starting another paragraph also. But then again, I myself sometimes struggle with how much of a piece (especially mine) is excess and how much is actually essential. So you might need to reflect on it yourself. Haha

You see, my dad is a bit messed-up. he's drunk most of the time, and he barely goes out of the house except to occasionally go to the grocery store and get some booze, and if I'm lucky, some real groceries. I do the cooking, and pretty much take care of myself most of the time. I earn any money we get by working at a little coffee shop a few blocks from the house, and of course we still have the small supply of money Mom left us.

I sensed something was off with these three sentences (looking at the big picture, I mean), but I couldn't really put my finger on it. Though intrinsically, here's all I can say:
The way it's presented is a little... plain, as if you just wanted to get the information out there. I can see this section as being something of a "scene-setter". I too have many sort-of scene-setters in my own pieces, and sometimes the hardest thing with that is that I've either lost the juice to get it out wonderfully, "exploively" per se (lol), or I just struggle with knowing how to put it out there in a new/different way.
Also, I think the last sentence would flow best if it was something like, "Any money we get (perhaps 'have' is more fitting?), I earn ('have earned', if you go with my suggestion) by working at a little coffee shop a few blocks from the house, and of course we still have a small supply of money Mom left us."
The last clause of that sentence ("of course...left us") isn't terribly out of place, but I don't understand its purpose, which sounds dumb I know. Haha But I mean... did you want to emphasize most how the MC is earns most of their money, or that they have no money except for the small amount her Mother left and what little money she manages to earn at the coffee shop?

...Sorry, I feel like I was/am over analyzing that. Feel free to slap me if I went overboard. Haha

Once upon a time, Dad was just a regular, loving old dad.

The "old" dad part seemed a little like that's how you were describing him: old. So my mind immediately flashed a picture of a grandpa in my head even though I realized what you meant in the next instant. Haha

We moved to here, Nebraska

Reword: "We moved here, to Nebraska..."

I never started school because for one, Dad would never and could never drive me there himself, and also because I didn't know where the school was until it was too late, when Sky came and told me. I didn't think it was even worth it at that point. Sky didn't argue, that is, until that day in December.

I think these few sentences are a little jumbled. Flow is all screwy to me. Be careful of adding/stuffing too much into one sentence. Also, though you do use the comas correctly, too many can make a sentence/piece of a story seem extraneous. That's what I meant by the stuffing-ness. lol
As for flow, here's my suggestion. Hope you're fine with it:
"I never started school because for one, Dad would never and could never drive me there himself (insert something relating to his alcoholism, since I'm assuming that's why he could/would never drive her there), and secondly (the "also because" threw off the flow for me), I didn't even know where the school was until [Sky came and told me after the academic year had already started]. (I don't know how much you like that, sorry. lol)"
As for the last two sentences, I think they do better connected:
"I didn't think it was even worth it at that point, and Sky didn't argue--that is, until that day in December."

really nice old boss

Again, I thought of a grandpa. But I think it was intended this time. Just be sure of your adjectives, kay?(: For this, maybe "elderly" or "older" could have been better.
Or maybe not older, b/c then that would've implied a comparison, which there wasn't. haha

We were lucky to have warm, chocolatey drinks with their gooey white marshmallows on a day like this.

For the sake of flow, I say put "on a day like this" at the beginning of the sentence followed by a comma, and you're good. You could even add a few more words of scenery/character description to the end of the sentence if done this way, too.

I frowned, slipping my hands around the comforting, chipped surface of my drink.

Careful of descriptions! I think you meant "...comforting, chipped sides of my [glass mug] (paper cup? I don't know if this is a mom&pop-type place or a starbucks-like place, I just realized. lol)"

I mumbled, even softer than I usually speak.

Verb tense consistency. I was going to bring this up later, after I had gone through the whole chapter, but I caught this so I guess I'll just mention it now. lol First things first, though:
Either go with "I mumbled...usually spoke." or "I mumble...usually speak."
Now, to explain further... haha
It is important to keep consistent verb tenses in a sentence, yes. But it's even more important to keep verb tense consistency in a whole story. I believe you mixed present and past tenses in this chapter when you weren't even really speaking/going into the past with your characters. So, just for future reference... be mindful of verb tenses. I myself still have a hard time with this sometimes, so if you catch this in my own work, feel free to verbally maul me for it. Haha

blue eyes with the white, white whites.

Creepy white. Haha jk. I just thought for this particular description, go with one or even two less "whites". Use something that could describe the color white instead. Just words that pop into my head when I think of the color: pure, clear, blank. I don't know, just whatever you prefer.

"Thanks, Sepia." I managed a small smile, but I was so out of practice, my lips would barely even part.

Spacing. Since Sepia didn't say this, put "I managed a..." as a new paragraph. Sky's dialogue can be left alone since it's understood that he was speaking.

A little scared that he would not take it easily if he were to spot Sky sitting at our table, I hurriedly led my friend outside to let my father roam around on his own, safe from losing control in front of us.

Since you didn't start this sentence with the typical subject-verb or subject-adjective-verb, it's assumed that you're still referring to the dad, or that the dad would be the subject/main idea of the sentence, which he is not. Well I mean, it doesn't revolve around him I mean. So start a new paragraph.
Also, I think instead of "safe from losing", "free to lose" would work better. Because that last clause is closest to father, it is understood that it describes father, not Sepia and Sky needing to avoid him getting mad.

Despite the freezing weather, we stayed out there for the better part of half an hour, tromping through and in and around the snow, and attempting to climb the frozen tree by my house. I had never been able to get to the top of that tree; it was just so tall and the branches were too far apart for me or Sky. I so wanted to get up there, though. I know this sounds cheesy, but I looked up at the topmost branches and just thought that it would make me feel so light and free, like maybe I could do anything.

For sake of flow and to reduce wordiness:
"Despite the freezing weather, we stayed out[side] for [almost] half an hour, tromping through the snow[no coma] and attempting to climb the the frozen tree by my house. [We] had never been able to get to the top of that tree; it was tall, and the branches were too far apart for me or Sky [to reach]. I so wanted to get up there though, and I know this sounds cheesy, but [when I look] up at the topmost branches, I [imagine] that it would make me feel so light, so free that maybe I could do anything."
I think I may have just totally messed with your writing style, and I'm sorry if I totally butchered it. I promise everything I offer up here is just my suggestions. Please don't kill me<3

Free from fear and too much wishing. And silence. Free from the fear that my dad, no matter how careless he is, would be taken away from me. Dead. Arrested. Me to a place that I know would be far worse than a drunk father and a moldy house. Free from wishing my heart out for the impossible. Mom will never be back, ever. Free from the silence of my house, of my father. Of myself.

I like the repetition, but it isn't consistent and that makes this paragraph absolutely confusing. I read it over twice, and I still don't even think that I got the full gist of it. I'm sorry.

I know I have it bad, but I also know that other people have it worse: Not Skyler. Not my dad. Not even my mom. People that I don't care about, people that I don't love. In my world, I am the most miserable, the most depressed. Nobody feels more terrible than I do. Nobody.

This kind of contradicts what I'd been assuming (i guess?) since for the past chapter. Haha I thought she liked Skyler? Or at least appreciated him...? lol And she doesn't love her mom? She seems like she misses her mother, or am I just projecting that? lol

Anyways, I think I can see where this is going (or maybe not lol), and I can't wait to see how you're going to get there! Keep writing. The world weeps for lost writers.
Swear. lol

xo gummies.