Young Writers Society

She lay back on her hard bed after unfolding it from the couch. Her short black hair fanned out slightly. She closed her eyes and thought, thought of the life her parents had supplied. An absent father, a mother who seemed mostly like she couldn't be bothered because her boyfriend was the most important, a three bed room trailer housing six people, a sick grandmother recovering from surgery laying on the couch in the living room. She also thought of the life she wanted for herself. The life she planned to get. To take.
She thought about going off to Queen Mary's University in London and then studying to become a biologist, studying animals. A zoologist her grandmother called it. She also thought of taking singing and guitar lessons so she could do what she loved and sing without anyone telling her to shut up. She thought about after she got her first job and finally had enough to by a car. A car she would never drive but give to her grandmother with a big red bow on top like she always promised. She thought about the day she would finally get to adopt her daughters, she knew she would never get married because she wasn't pretty. She thought about how she would be black but she would adopt two daughters one light skinned with curly blond hair and one fair skinned with pin straight pitch black hair. She thought about what she would name them, Maylayssa and Ashliee. She thought about paining their nursery, then bedrooms as they got older. She thought about the pets they would have, A Saint Bernard named Ralf, and a fat orange cat named Twier. She thought about them maybe having a horse and a goat and a few rabbits. She thought about putting her girls in music and art classes like she never got to take.

She thought of having a wonderful life until she remembered she didn't think about the bad things. The bad parts of life burst through her fairytale life and blew it away like thin smoke. She opened her eyes teas now streaming down her cheeks and thought about why. Why she thought about it when it just hurt?

Hello

A very thought provoking interesting piece. I particularly like the idea, its relatable for many people; this helps readers make a connection. For such a short piece you evoke a lot of emotions in the reader, I think you achieve this by explaining her dreams and then telling the reader at the end she will never get them. An impressive little piece, I enjoyed it. Only fault, a couple of slight spelling mistakes, also the continued repetition of “She thought” doesn’t work for me. I understand your trying to emphasis the point of her envisaging all these great things she wants to achieve but its just a little bit repetitive, however this is only my opinion. Over all I did enjoy it, look forward to seeing more of your work! Well done!

Ben

Wow this is the first review I've done in a while...sorry if I'm rusty. Here goes!
Hello! Corrections are in red.

She lay back on her hard bed after unfolding it from the couch. Her short black hair fanned out slightly. She closed her eyes and thought, thought of the life her parents had supplied. An absent father, a mother who seemed mostly like she couldn't be bothered because her boyfriend was the most important, a three bed room trailer housing six people, a sick grandmother recovering from surgery laying on the couch in the living room. She also thought of the life she wanted for herself. The life she planned to get. To take.

She thought about going off to Queen Mary’s University in London and then studying to become a biologist, studying animals. A zoologist her grandmother called it. She also thought of taking singing and guitar lessons so she could do what she loved and sing without anyone telling her to shut up.(shut up is two words) She thought about after she got her first job and finally had enough to by a car. A car she would never drive but give to her grandmother with a big red bow on top like she always promised. She thought about the day she would finally get to adopt her daughters, she knew she would never get married because she wasn't pretty. She thought about how she would be black but she would adopt two daughters one light skinned with curly blond hair and one fair skinned with pin straight pitch black hair. She thought about what she would name them, Maylayssa and Ashliee. She thought about paining their nursery, then bedrooms as they got older. She thought about the pets they would have, A Saint Bernard named Ralf, and a fat orange cat named Twier. She thought about them maybe having a horse and a goat and a few rabbits. She thought about putting her girls in music and art classes like she never got to take.

She thought of having a wonderful life until she remembered she didn't think about the bad things. The bad parts of life burst through her fairytale life and blew it away like thin smoke. She opened her eyes teas now streaming down her cheeks and thought about why. Why she thought about it when it just hurt?

The story was quite sad, I'll admit. And your errors are mostly spelling so...you're good.The story was good too. Hope to see more from you!
~LP

LadyPurple seems to have got all the spelling mistakes, but I like the story itself. The hopelessness of the girl's life is mirrored by your writing style. I really liked the almost bland way in which you wrote about what she thought, the dreaminess of it, then the sudden, jarring reality check at the end. It was certainly a very thought-provoking piece and an insight into the lives of the poor. It feels like a truthful, accurate representation of a luckless person's life. I really liked it.