Young Writers Society

This story was conceived when a friend of mine drew a picture of a girl smiling up at the moon. He asked me to give it a story, and this is that story. Sadly, though, I lost the picture.

Also, this IS my first post and my first submission, and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. And I'm sorry if there's some sort of submission guideline or something that I managed not to follow.

"Oh there you are, old friend." Alicia suddenly said. I was confused, we had only just walked outside and nobody had yet joined us. "It's good to see you again."
- It's quite an unexpected beginning, that grabs the attention, but you puzzle us right in the start - we know that the protagonist hears it, the protagonist knows where they are, but we don't. You say : Just walked outside. Walked outside what? Where? We have no idea what to imagine, no idea at all and you do not tell us that anytime soon. It might be better if you could let us know, so we can imagine right.

"Alicia, who are you talking to?" I asked.

"The Moon, of course. Who else?" Of course. Lately she had been talking to the moon at night. I don't know why, but she started doing it a few months ago, when she got sick. She would break into cold sweats and pass out. Sometimes she would only be out for a few seconds, sometimes hours. Once she was out for 39 hours straight. The scary thing is (Not enough impact, it feels as it's within more or less normal and shouldn't worry us much, you know. I think something in the line of : "But that isn't the worst of it;" ) , her pulse would stop and she would get cold whenever she passed out for longer periods of time. But she wouldn't be dead. You could tell ( You do not have any direction to use "tell", it's used with "he, she, it, name etc". I think "say" would be grammatically better ) she was still alive, I don't know how but you could just tell. She never remembered any of this, so I never bothered asking. But what I did ask about was her conversations with the Moon, whose responses I never seemed to hear.
- So far I'm still eager to read more, that's good.

"Alicia... Why do you always talk to the Moon? It never answers, it never speaks. It's like talking to a wall. Why bother?"

"Carter, do you really want to know?" She looked at me and just stared, her deep blue eyes locked with mine.

"Yeah, of course," I answered.

"Because of my grandfather." A tear slowly welled up in her eye, but she wiped it away and continued talking.

"Before he died, he always told me he'd be there for me. He said he would become part of the moon, along with all the rest who died, to help light the night for those they left behind, and that for every soul brought to the Moon, it would glow a little brighter. He also said that I would hear him. Him and all my other loved ones who have died. I would hear them when... When my time was coming." Her voice broke a little, but her expression remained the same: almost completely empty with a small touch of sadness.
- You do a fairly good job with the descriptions, you do let us know the small details - and small details create big picture.

"You're going crazy. You're not dying anytime soon. You're healthy, your body is in perfect shape. Don't talk about your time coming soon. And you're not really hearing your grandfather. You let yourself think you're going to die soon, so now you think you can hear him. But you're not." I couldn't believe what she just said. She can't have been lying about hearing her grandfather though. I know he can't have really been saying anything, but she spoke to the Moon like her grandfather was really talking to her.
- I'm not sure the divided sentences in that dialogue are good. They seem unhuman-like. A startled man would try to connect everything he's saying at the moment with "so, but, I mean" etc, doesn't even have to be that, but it's very human-like to try and not talk like a robot in divided sentences, you know. At least that's my opinion, I'm not sure how the guy sounded in your mind.

"Carter, I'm not crazy, and I'm not healthy. I know I don't remember anything that's happened to me, but don't think I don't know that it's been happening. I heard your mom on the phone. She was telling my mom that I had been out for three hours. I also heard the doctors. They've never seen it before, and they think they can fix it, but I know they can't. Anyway, let's go home. I don't want to talk to the Moon in front of all these strangers." I looked around, and saw one couple quickly turn away. But by the short glimpse I caught of their faces, I know they heard her talking to the Moon. I quickly led Alicia back toward my house, where she had been staying since her parents were out of the country and couldn't return for a few more months. After around twenty mintues of walking, she stopped and looked into my eyes, the way she always did whenever she got serious.
- A bit of the robotic voice again, but much better. Also this paragraph keeps the attention better than previous one.

"Why can't you believe me?" She began to tear up, which was unusual for her. She never cries, but lately she'd been letting a few tears through.

"I don't know. It's just that it sounds like something I'd never believe." I felt bad about saying this, and I didn't know any other way to put it. After I said it, though, I immediately regretted it. She began to cry. I brushed her long, jet black hair back, and wiped away the tears. She'd been my best friend for years, and seeing her cry, as rarely as that is, just made me feel so helpless.
- Good to know you let us know the feelings going on there, so that we do not either feel nothing or feel wrong feelings.

"Don't cry now... Come on, let's get back home, then I'll let you pour out anything you need to." I put my arm around (her) shoulder and pulled her close to me, like I always did whenever she felt sad. She continued to tremble, but not as much, so we kept walking. After walking for half an hour, we arrived back home. I led her upstairs and let her lie down in my bed. She stopped crying, but only because she had fallen asleep.
- The last three sentences feel a bit mechanical. Emotionless if you get what I mean. I'm not sure there's a good way to do anything about it, probably use a few connectors like "At least, finally", just something that shows emotions.

"Good night," I whispered. I threw a blanket over her and laid on the floor. Eventually I fell asleep too. (As I've said once, it'd be better in my opinion to not have so many divided sentences and connect them for emotion. In this case, connection isn't the best option, but an adjective of emotion to the wish could spell good. F.e. I wish I really hadn't. That really emphasizes on it.) I wish I hadn't. (Since your protagonist doesn't like connections much, you could use a semicolon here ; to give a better flow, because the next sentences explain why he wishes that.) I kept having dreams of Alicia, truly dead. Of her body, laid into a coffin, cold and unmoving, as I had seen so many times. And of her grave, one I hoped never to see.

The next morning, she woke me up to get ready for school. We dressed in silence, and I noticed she was still looking a little sad. As we went downstairs and had breakfast, she shook. The milk and cereal would occasionally fall out of her spoon as she lifted it. I looked at her, concerned, and she looked back as if to say "I'm fine." I believed her and went back upstairs to brush my teeth, but halfway up the stairs I heard a loud crash.
- This works, I suppose I couldn't really see it any other way. Too much descriptions would make too much drama or info dump. Too few and it'd be pure tell.

"Oh my God!" I heard my mom scream as I ran back into the kitchen. Alicia had passed out again, this time right into her cereal bowl. I picked her up and laid her on the sofa, wiping away the milk and cereal still clinging to her face. I thought I'd have to leave her there, but she opened her eyes.

"I don't think I'm going to wake up this time..." Her head fell back again. I told my mom, and left her to watch Alicia. I know what was happening was serious, but I still wouldn't be allowed to skip school for her. Besides, my mom took good care of her. But not this time.
- A good follow of "action" or so we call it. Increases the attention.

"Students, I have some terrible news," the PA blared. "Alicia de Angelo, our dear friend, has passed away this afternoon. Carter Rayne, you are dismissed from school for a completely unrelated reason." Great attempt at hiding things. But I made no effort to hide my sadness. The tears grew in my eyes as my friends came up to me to try and console me. It didn't work, I simply ran out of the classroom, out of the school, and sprinted home. As I burst through the front door I saw her: Alicia, my best friend, dead. Her body was still laid on the couch as she was when I left, but surrounding her were two doctors, both with sad looks on their faces, and my mother, whose face was red and wet with tears.
- Not too much drama, you've got a point from me. Info dumps and "drama cries" are an often sight and trully are annoying. At least I and many more think so. (Can never say right, humanity varies).

"Is she really dead? Are you sure she isn't just passed out again?" I (still) thought there was still a glimmer of hope.

"This time she's really gone," one of the doctors responded. "We've run a few tests and confirmed that she is really dead. I'm sorry, son."

I dropped to my knees. I couldn't believe she was really gone. The shock of it must've struck me hard, because next thing I knew I was falling over as everything went dark.

~~~~~

I fixed my collar and combed my hair one last time. It was my best friend's funeral, just as I had seen it in my nightmare. The speaker continued on about how Alicia had lived a great life, and how she would live on in everyone's hearts, especially mine. I turned off everything, blocked everything out except for Alicia. She laid in a pure white casket, with a jet black trim. As everyone got up and walked away, I stayed. Once everyone had left, I walked up to look at her one last time. The sun was slowly setting behind her casket, just as it had set on her life. After a while I had to be pulled away from her side, but only because the night had come, and it was too dark to stay with her any longer. I looked up and saw the Moon. I don't know if it was just me, but that night it seemed brighter than it had ever been before, and I knew why. That night I went home and after everyone had gone to sleep, I went out on the balcony. I looked up to the Moon and spoke.

"Alicia. I know you can hear me. I'm sorry I couldn't have been by your side when you left. I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you said your time was coming. But I'm happy for you. You're back with your grandfather, and all your family members who have gone on. You're there, lighting the way for those at night. And I know you're there, waiting for me. I don't know what else to say, so I won't keep you. Good night." It felt weird, but I just knew she heard me. So after that, for years, I did the same thing. I went out on the balcony, every night, and spent time talking to the Moon.

-67 years later-



I wiped the dust from the picture of Alicia on my bedside table. Tears still well up in my eyes whenever I see it. I looked outside and noticed the sun had set. I stepped out onto the front porch and looked up. I opened my mouth to speak, but then I heard her, her voice sweet as it was 67 years ago.

"Carter, did you miss me?"
- It's a good ending, focused on the two without any interruptions or injections from outside. It kind of leaves a good impression, but shamefully not as impact as it could be, because the feelings and how the previous paragraphs are given, do not drag us in that much. Personification of a reader and the protagonist is quite important, you do it not that bad here, but I think it'd be nice if you could work on it more =) There are a few good articles about it on the internet, even on the YWS in the Guides&Help section.