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Liar



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67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 557
Reviews: 67
Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:17 pm
mistielovesyou says...



*just the beginning of a novel I'm writing*

I run out the door for the bus, but I already know I’m too late. I stand in the cold wind in one of those moments where you just feel like everyone is staring at you. But I know it. The bus speeds by, and I think I see one person wave at me as it passes.
This is the fourth time this week.
“Honey?” My mum yells out the door, “You miss it again?”
“Yeah.” I walk back inside and into to the kitchen, flopping into a chair.
My mum is shaking her head as she places dishes in the sink, “You’ve done it again. I tell you a million times to get ready early in the morning, but do you listen?”
I just stare at the odd patterns on the island.
“I’m sick and tired of having to carry your ass to school every morning!”
“Mary, don’t cuss in front of the kids.” My dad hisses as he walks in for coffee.
“If you had to take her to school every day like this, you’d be cussing, too! Let’s go. Get your shoes on and get in the car.”
I pick up my bag and head out. Oh well . I refuse to be affected by my mum’s jibber jabber. It’s not like she has anything else to do with her time, other than take me to school. She’s just a whiner.
I open the passenger door and get in. I don’t know why, but I get excited every time now. It’s not like school’s eventful. I just like every new day. I think of it as an opportunity for greatness.
My mum comes in, slamming the door after her. She’s already muttering to herself.
“Bye!” My dad calls and waves from the door.
My mum waves back but keeps staring forward. She slumps in her seat.
“Honest to God, I don’t know what to do with you lately. It’s like you don’t even care.”
I don’t even care? I almost reply but rethink it and keep my mouth shut. I drum my fingers against the arm of my seat and hum.
“Is there something going on lately?” She asks.
“Nope.” I pop my lips on the p. “Can you go a little faster?”
“No.” She says. “Maybe when they give you a detention for being late again you’ll learn your lesson.”
I open the door and go running towards the school building.
“Doesn’t matter!” My mum calls after me, “You’ll be late anyway!”
I keep running.
“Slow down!”
I run up the stairs and press the buzzer. After a few moments the small light flashes green, and I walk in. The hot air hits me.
I hurry up to the desk and scrawl my name on the sheet. Mine is the only one there today.
“Hey...” The lady walks up to the desk before I run out, “Try not to be late so much, huh?”
I nod quickly, “Okay.”
I’m going to big here. I’m going to be famous...as the girl who’s always late.
I run out and into first period history. My breath is coming quick.
God, I hate stairs.
“Where’s your pass?” Mr. Kaine says, sitting at his immaculate desk and staring me down.
“Right here.” I pull it out of my front pocket and hand it to him.
“Thanks. Sit down.”
I nod again and sit down. I sit in the very front, but my attempts to impress Kaine with my brilliance have been in vain. He has gotten so tired of me he’s started calling on the ‘kids who never speak’ to avoid my ever-raised hand.
He starts jabbering off about history.
Some kid, the kid who sits next to me, throws a blue note into my open book bag.
“Wha-” I say, before I shut my mouth quickly. He’s turned to the front of the classroom by now, tapping a green pen against his desk.
I glance up at the front desk again, but Mr. Kaine is still lecturing. I’m almost jumping out of my seat, I have to cross my legs to keep them from moving all over.
I can’t believe that someone’s passed me a note! A new friend. I grin as I open it up:

Need a friend? Meet me at the Burger King down the road during lunch.

Oh my God! I jump as I read it. A hot guy passes me a note in class! I can’t wait for my fairytale ending...
He throws another one in my book bag. I take a deep breath.
Kaine is looking around for an answer to his question, throwing glances at me. but I’m not raising my hand. Why do I need to prove myself as smart when I have a hot guy passing me notes? Kaine can shove it. I do hate the sound of awkward silence in the classroom...
My hand shoots up.
I can see Kaine’s shoulders relax, “Yes, Ms. Goldner?”
Last edited by mistielovesyou on Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
mistura is awesome and she loves you
  





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29 Reviews



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Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:31 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



Hello,

I enjoyed this, a really interesting little piece. I think a particular strength was your use of dialogue to demonstrate your characters personalities. I believe you have a good foundation on which to build your novel. I look forward to reading more!
:)

Ben
  





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Gender: Female
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:39 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there mistie!

I don't have time for a proper review - my tea's almost ready - but I just wanted to give you some quick advice.

Slow it down. I can tell that you have enthusiasm for this story from the way you seem to write it with great energy. Only thing is, with so much going on in a short space of time, the reader's left trying to stay afloat in this sea of new information. We have four scene changes; outside with the bus, the house, the car and school, but there seems to be almost no time between them all. Take the time to explain where the MC is. Describe. If you give the reader some adjectives, they'll be able to paint the scene for themself.

Here for example -

I pick up my bag and head out. Oh well . I refuse to be affected by my mum’s jibber jabber. It’s not like she has anything else to do with her time, other than take me to school. She’s just a whiner.
I open the passenger door and get in. I don’t know why, but I get excited every time now. It’s not like school’s eventful. I just like every new day. I think of it as an opportunity for greatness.


- is a great opportunity to set the scene. How's the weather today? Is her mum walking to the car slowly, because she's annoyed about taking her daughter? You don't have to describe every second from the house to the car, but a little description will help flesh it out a bit. Your chapter is the bare bones at the moment. The structure's there, you just need to fill it out with description.

I know this is only the first chapter, but I'm not sure if I'm too keen on the MC. She seems a bit, all over the place. Kinda scatterbrained. She doesn't seem to like her mum - her mum does come across as a bit moody, so I guess further chapters will explain their relationship a bit more - and the bit with the 'I'm so smart,' 'Ooh, a hot boy wrote me a note.' It just seems like she's going to be a little too perfect. I enjoy reading about characters with flaws. Flaws make them seem more human because, after all, nobody is perfect ;)

I can’t wait for my fairytale ending...


One thing I do like about the MC is her humour. I love writing characters who take things with a pinch of salt and who like to joke about things, so I enjoy reading about them too. I couldn't work out if this bit I've quoted above is sarcasm or not. If it is, I love it. If not, then I'd consider ditching it as it fits in with the 'perfect character' thing too well.

Sorry I couldn't write you a proper review, but I hope this at least helps a little and good luck with the new story!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








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