Vimini

Hi,

I'm so excited that you have something new up. I like it a lot and as with almost everything you write, I feel it could be something really great but there were faults. Umm, reading it literally, there are three people, a girl, the narrator and the 'you'. The girl is sick, maybe depressed, I dunno and she might die. It's winter, it's cold and everyone's a bit sadder than they usually are. So, this girl leaves the 'you' and goes to the narrator and they hug and cuddle in this awful, melancholy sort of way and she reveals that she's never been kissed. Then, we as the readers, all assume she dies. Then, in the metaphoric sense, this changes completely.

-mer-

You've edited all of this! I have to start over now. :'{

Hm. I still like this. No more or less than the previous version though.

I didn't want her to die during the winter

First sentence could be better. Winter should be capitalized. I feel like with this sentence, it has this weird comparison, as if the narrator would prefer for her to die in Spring or Summer rather than Winter. I think it would be much stronger as 'I didn't want her to die.' but that's kinda boring, kinda cliche. I don't know, might be better to just keep it as is.

But the spaces between her bones echoed with a fading force, and everything trembled, thin legs unstable as she walked.

I swear to god, you're always doing this. I don't want mac and cheese for lunch. But in 1564, William Shakespeare was born. You use contradictions where you shouldn't. Really, read that over. I didn't want her to die. But the spaces of her bones echoed with a fading force. They are two completely irrelevant sentences. To be honest, I don't even know what the second sentence means. You use pretty words to make up for lack of meaning and it's excusable to a point.

Her hand in yours, you holding it as tight as possible just to try and keep her in the purple of the cosmos, but her hand would shake anyway, and you could never hold it tight enough, could never stop the pieces from falling apart.

I like the end of this, starting from 'but'. What do you mean 'keep her in the purple of the cosmos'. I suppose you're trying to say 'keep her alive' or 'keep her conscious' or something but what do purple cosmos have to do with living. merconfusion.

The days were gray like dead skin and she looked out at it, through her window, with dead eyes like gray clouds.

To me, Winter is more blinding white, more unrelenting blankness than this gray that you see it as. What's gray about it? Are the trees gray, the sidewalk, the frozen cat corpses that lay in alleyways? Why are the days gray? What about the days are gray? Is the snow coming down in gray flakes? I simply don't understand.

The days were cold, too.

Obviously. It's winter. I don't expect 98 degree weather. Don't tell me that it's cold, show me.

None of summer's yellow glow to anything, gray gray gray gray gray, and what with a world so vibrant she should die and be buried with the leaves.

I like the end of this from 'what' but again, describeeeeeeee, don't just offer me pretty words as some half-hearted excuse for actual description.

Bare branches and naked trees

You basically said the same thing. That's like saying 'dirty forks and unclean utensils'.

oh but we love you so, and the world is beautiful, it will be, don't leave us just yet.

The world clearly isn't beautiful if it's being described as 'gray gray gray gray gray'. Gray isn't the most stunning color.

But they'd said she wasn't worth the poison it would take to save her life, and I imagined the tumor in her brain like a second heart, but it took in life and never sent any out.

I think the last bit from 'I imagined' is the strongest line you have in this.

Its white tendrils snaked through her eyes, and when she looked at you they spilt her eyes into islands of diamond blue.

That's just really weird imagery. Reminds me of some ancient Greek demon or some Medusa type thing.

And she took herself closer, and she was so close to my body

You're literally just repeating yourself.

so close they would have said that she would give her sickness to me, that it was our sickness, then. I wanted her to be warm, though, and I accommodated the slightness of her body, light like hollow bird bones.

I like this part a lot but I feel like hollow bird bones is kinda cliche. I've seen Persy use it in her poetry, I've seen Lumi use it once or twice, I've used it and I've seen countless others use it. It's splendid imagery but I suppose 'It was a dark and stormy night' was considered a good line once upon a time too.

And then with breath into my chest, she told me she'd never been kissed.

I want more background. How old is this girl. Where do they live. Why is she living with a guy who doesn't love her. If she has cancer, why isn't she in a hospital. Be more literal with your writing, like this line. It's like a burst of clarity from this pool of molasses we have to go through to figure out what is real and what is not.

ut I didn't love her. I did love her, but I didn't love her. And I think that was the last time she cried.

What. He doesn't love her but he loves her but he doesn't love her. No. No. No. PICK ONE. Does he love her or not?! You can't do this. It makes no sense and seems bipolar, especially since we don't even get an explanation but some random line about her crying. Did she tell her that he 'didn't love her but he loved her but he didn't love her'? If anyone ever said that to me, I'd cry too. It makes no sense.

Overall, you have a problem with being coherent. You have the vocabulary; put it to good use. This could be a really great piece of writing if you make it a story rather than a random stream of thought.

PM me if you have any comments or questions.

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