Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

I really liked this. Your writing style is absolutely wonderful, though a little confusing at times. But it's a good kind of confusing! At the end I was asking myself things like "So did they ever get back together?" and "Did she ever really like him?". It's pretty great for this reason, because it's about a relationship, and in this day and age relationships can become very confusing. So keep up the good work! I'd love to read more stuff like this in the future.

Wow this piece was amazing, I loved your writing style and the abstract way in which you wrote. I had to read this a second time because I liked it so much. The emotions in the story were right on and I loved the concept of the story, I really hope this gets featured

^^ I agree with bro, you're writing style is awesome, I don't know how or why, but it fits your story very well. It was confusing too, but I think I get that the readers are supposed to fill things in, and other things are cleared up later, or in your next "section," so as a result there were a few grammatical things that I wasn't too sure about. There was this one, however:

Color's escaped the world through a hole in a heart, leaving

"Color's" should definitely be "Colors."

I really liked this, you created a villain in the boy in this story, a believable and despicable and very, scarily real one and I think that's awesome. I've never been able to create real villains quite like that. I wonder, though, if you could make the girl more relatable somehow, you did a good job, but I feel like a few more sentences about her in each section (save for the last one) could develop her a little bit more, the story is named after her after all.

Anyway, I absolutely loved this!

Intriguing! Quiet and subdued, like a shameful secret from one's teenage past.
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Is the first section meant to read like a stutter? If so, that's good, but good in a "yeah, but..." kind of way. It stops and starts and stops and starts in shuddering heaves, like the faltering confession you open with--which is appropriate--but still feels wanting because of the very nature of it.

It would be like having a scene in a movie where you're trying to emphasize how bored the character is, so you make a boring scene, and it's boring, and the audience is bored, and we all want to move on together.

So what you have in that first section is a vague stutter. Not only are we being peppered by bits of phrases, but the language is more abstract and cannot be felt in a visceral way. "steps ahead of her frozen mind in trembles" and "overburdened and without reign over her body" are phrases that are like styrofoam blocks. I would have preferred perhaps something more intimate.

I really did like this line, though:

Because it will, she thinks she hears him say, but that's impossible because his tongue is in her mouth and he won't let go.

That is intimate and personal and awash with the confusion of a clouded mind. But perhaps you should italicize the "Because it will" or put it in quotes? Otherwise, it will cause the reader to pause and reread once or twice for clarity.

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Section 2 is quite good. It flows. It's at this point I noticed your trend to rely on adverbs for speech, though. Here they are (between section 2 and 3):

she said, ashamed.

she said meekly.

he said quietly

she says, feeling uncomfortable

She looks up at him timidly

^this having immediately followed a quote

This:

with such an intrinsic, restrictive modesty and a poor man's bluff.

I liked "poor man's bluff." I didn't like "intrinsic, restrictive modesty" so much.

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You go so long without mentioning names. Then you unceremoniously give us the unceremonious name of "Chris" and use it twice. (As you may notice, I have an unhealthy attachment--or lack thereof?--to names.) Anyway, any particular reason for this?

Words, words, she needs words, but she doesn't know what they are.

I like this.
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Section 4. Nice. And even though you use another adverb (or two!) here, they are welcome because of how much falseness and guile is soaked into those words "tenderly" and "affectionately."

Quite good.

Beautiful. I really loved the way you played the words here. You made them work for you very nicely. I was a bit lost at times, but when I read it twice, I felt more enlightened. It was a very real and tangible situation, and you portrayed the emotions perfectly. I had goosebumps, especially at the end. I didn't see any grammar errors that haven't already been addressed, so just fix those and you're set! Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more of your pieces

~Jess

Okay....I read this in school with my friends all staring. I swear they hate Chris. BUT nehu, back to your piece. Your writing style, like always is good. But I guess the last bit, satisfaction needs a little more description. I sort of lost my understanding it there, probably because everything was so elaborately done.

I'm just glad you're back

Certainly interesting and for many, relatable. Very cold quality. Could be improved but yes, it's good. Wonderful job

Your writing style is remarkable! I love the use of repetition in this, and how there was nothing that was really spelled out for the reader. You could benefit from a bit more description, just because of the overall vagueness of it, but I don't think anything was so vague that a reader wouldn't be able to figure out your meaning. It was slightly disjointed and choppy, and there was juxtaposition of long and short sentences, which I loved. You have mastered the talent of showing and not-telling, which is something even the most seasoned of writers struggle with. The only thing I tripped over was the very opening, because I felt a few of the sentences were a bit too long.

That aside, there was emotion in this, and I think many people will be able to identify with the MC. One question I have though, regards the ending. Did she go full circle with Chris, or is this in the future or past? That stumped me, but I just might have to reread it a few times to figure it out.

I will be brief because many of the points I raise in Vimini are relevant here, though some aren't and I will get to that.

So, you have continued to write these vignettes, these snippets that bear some insight and play upon these themes of love and heart break.There is something a little more natural about this, despite the fragmented nature of the story and the fact this has clearly had a little more editing than your other work.

This is still dripping sentiment, though. It's not an entirely original concept but the way you write does provide a unique take on a worn story. For all the lovely flowing metaphors, you have some dreadful dialogue, fortunately this isn't a difficult fix. The way your characters interact and communicate at first wasn't so bad, the messy room dialogue has become something of a cliche, thought it wasn't distracting enough to completely shake me from the scene, no that didn't happen til the final interaction. The goading chiding remarks, the forlorn dismissal from the boy serving a theatre of his peers, it was so contrived and cliche. It seems like you got to that point and got lazy and thought about every terrible Disney presents love story in which a character experiences a moment of heartbreak (albeit the Disney version is a false dismissal, the male counterpart is obliged by strange force, or his football coaches request, or the demands of his parents deity to abandon the girl, and he consequently acts the scene with over-the-top scorn but later confesses he was acting in accord with the demands of an outside influence and they kiss and so on, though this is not the case here.)

My point is this, out there in the cosmos exists an original scene played out with delicacy that moves the story forward save the cringing. It is your role responsibility as a writer to explore these unfamiliar grounds, do away with the cliches and the stiff dry dialogue.

As I mentioned. one thing Vimini had that this is without (thankfully) is the shabby pointless metaphors and qualifiers. This seems a little more refined, there is a clear undercurrent though it's not glaring and doesn't surface until the final lines. There is a love story pastiche that leaves the reader balancing on knife edge, it's not predictable it can go either way, but when it falls we are snatched from the false climax to realise the prot. is no longer the subject and the title is a fallacy.

When I finished this, I was much more satisfied with it then your other work because there actually is a story here and it is much less cringe-worthy. I wouldn't say it was carefully plotted, but I would say you have taken the care to edit this, tick of a checklist: Theme, plot, character, and to a lesser extent, dialogue. This isn't so much a diary entry as a story, a god-damn bona fide story. A Beginning and an end, less pandering, less extraneity, more resolve.

Better.

Wow this was wonderful but I do agree with your first reviewer. I was confused but it was a good confused. I liked that I could feel emotion from this and I could actually feel the emotions of the girl and it was just so good that I'm actually speechless. Lol . I really loved the flow and you could actually use the story in poetry form and make it into some sort of slam poetry. This was just very well written. Good job and keep writing. And keep me update on your work.

Absolutely amazing.

Dear, you amaze me. Honestly, amaze.

And because of that fact, its about time I gave you a real review. I know, its about time.

That being said, I'm not going to beat around the bush with this. You are too talented and too inspirational for me to think you'd take any offense to anything I have to say, so no fabrications here. Simply speaking, there are many aspects of this that are truly touching and, quite frankly, genius, but there are still weaknesses that come out in your work.

For instance, you like to take on this sort of... love of the cliche. Your thick, beautiful descriptions colour your characters all their own, but when it comes down to the actual plot of each story (other than massiveness), I found myself having a hard time really stomaching the actuality of what does occur. Like the fact that this boy appears to care nothing about the girl, which is the teenage aspect on it. So why don't we look at things under a microscope.

First and foremost, I'm going to go into the idea of this male character, or what this male character does. He is pretty realistic in how he treats her to 'get what he wants'. After all, most females who have been in that situation (including myself, unfortunately), will relate and understand that sentiment completely simply because he seems so genuinely authentic in the way he coax's her and tempts her.

Now, just because that was his plan does not always make him a horrible person. It doesn't make him great but, in this case, when I look at that kind of a situation, I think that he would continue to use her because he has her now. Coax her as long as he can than simply push her away slowly, whether that being ignoring or sort of flitting around the edges until there is no chance of things rekindling and she knows it. Still the same hurt, but it does not make the male ultimately sadistic. Merely realistic.

And that's what this needs, I feel. A jolt of realism.

Another thing I had a bit of a quirk to note on was the fact that you speak of her wearing a beanie. Now, with stories, especially short ones, you should try and push away from obscure teenage clothing items. It is an artistic choice, of course, but this girl could be any girl, which makes her so wonderful and easy to relate to. By summing her up with hipster clothing, we get an image of what she stands for, and I think what she should stand for is girls as a whole, rather than girls who wear hipster clothing to feel better about themselves.

Of course, the sentiment of the story in itself is very touching and very important to get across. And it's very, very sad, because it happens. I won't lie about my own experiences with such things, and the shame is overwhelming and suffocating. Its the kind of suffocation that comes not with his denial but the fact that she did something she has always known to be ultimately wrong, so the feeling of wrong stays with her and eats her up. Make that suffocation known, rather than the sharpness of his denial or his push.

You are a fantastic writer and you give such strong descriptions. Just a little bit more work on the ideas and the plot. This looks and feels like good practice.

In fact, it just makes me more excited to wait for those moments when you write something with a profound thought. Because if you start off with something profound and beautiful in sentiments, it will be incredible. Maybe even beyond it.

You are a fantastic writer. Don't forget that.

~Walker

This was a phenominal piece of work and I think this 'hits home' with a lot of people. People who have never gone through this seem to feel an dhurt and heal with the main character (whomever she may be) as she goes through the whole process. This is definitely a 'featured works' worthy short story, so congratulations!


-Renn, keep writing (as if any one of us YWSers could stop)

Wow. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. I feel like I'm her. Like I'm the ugly girl. It almost made me cry to feel like what it is in her shoes (and that's a hood thing!). I love this piece. There's nothing that I would change and nothing that I would nag about. Perfectly done. Good job

Keep on Writing
-Roxy