z

Young Writers Society


Rise Of Epoh, The Wielder Of Hope



User avatar
9 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 776
Reviews: 9
Thu Nov 17, 2011 11:14 pm
DarthAJ says...



Spoiler! :
So this is a just a story I thought up of after I found a prompt which wanted me to take a positive emotion and put a negative spin on it.


Rise Of Epoh, The Wielder Of Hope

Epoh was becoming less powerful by the day, trying to find victims he could get drunk on hope was hard in a world where war was a rarity; gone were the days of World War I and World War II where putting hope into people was easy. Epoh was an Emotiomal, he needed to put the emotion of hope into souls to become more powerful and sustain his existence. Epoh sensed Rey - a spy - was finally back, he had sent Rey on a mission to go over the world to find souls with potential to harbor a great amount of Hope over a long period of time; Epoh had become lazy, he wanted victims that would be reliable over a long period of time.

"Rey what took you so long? You've been gone a few months", screeched Epoh.

Rey responded, "Sir the mission you give me not easy. I look for soul, hard find it was. But found I a soul in India, family called Jugga, they is very superstitious and religious, live in village called Rampur, son called Raj in air force gone missing", Rey touched Epoh to relay all the information.

Epoh was overjoyed, the potential for hope in the family was great; Rey had done good work, Epoh had thought of him as a silly illiterate oaf at first, time had proven otherwise.

Epoh had reached Rampur, the streets were bustling from the morning traffic, the coffee stalls were full of customers hoping to get their morning dose of caffeine while the streets were littered with crowds of people going to work and beggars on the pavements. The humans could not see him or any Emotiomals for that matter. Epoh rushed to the house of the farmer (Dev) where three people from the Indian Air Force had just broken the bad news to the family. Epoh had to strike while the iron was hot, but a lone figure blocked Epohs way, it was Raef. Epoh was angry, how had Raef got to know of his plan, perhaps Raef knew what kind of potential power could be gained from the farmer and his family. Fear was Raef's weapon, he had to put fear into the farmers mind, fear that his son was truly dead, that fear would bring about resistance to Hope.

"I don't even want to know how you found out about this but stay away, this has nothing to do with you Raef", exclaimed Epoh.

Raef shot back, "Whenever you try to make someone suffer, it has a lot to do with me, I tried to stop you during the World Wars, I'll try again now".

"You really are a fool Raef. During the World Wars there was so much potential in us being team; you would strike fear in everyone's minds while I would in turn strike hope into their minds, together our powers would have grown. If you want to remain weak by getting what little power you can from saving people by adding fear, do so; but don't stop those of us who have discovered the secret to getting power quickly" said Epoh as his voice reached a harsh tone.

"You talk like the ability to give hope or fear is a weapon, this is not a weapon for me, it's a gift. If you want to use this gift to cause cruelty just to get more power, I will not let you!" Said Raef while eying the now grieving family.

Epoh attacked Raef before he could touch the farmer or his family, the two great powers clashed with each other, they were almost evenly matched. Epoh was surprised Raef remained so powerful; time was running out, the family had to be struck while their emotions could be toyed with. The Jugga family was in grief, the farmer (Dev) went numb, not saying a word. The farmers wife (Sulha) let out a cry and went to the small worship place they had created in their home, there she planned to stay for the rest of the day, kneeling in prayer as the floor beneath her was flooded with her tears. Epoh noticed this, prayers were great for him, whenever someone prayed Raef would find it difficult to influence them while Epoh would find it much more easier to get them influenced. Epoh stopped fighting and rushed towards Sulha, Raef knew there was no use in trying to change Sulha's mind because she was an old mother who would be easily manipulated; he instead went towards the farmer's son's wife (Tara). Of course Epoh anticipated what Raef would do, just before going into Sulha's consciousness (which Epoh referred to as diving) he decided to send out a call to his friend Ecifircas; plan B had to be set into motion.

Epoh dived into Sulha and met a mind full of prayers.

"God please let my son be all right"

"Take me if you want, but don't let anything happen to Raj!"

"Please God, I've always believed in you, don't make us suffer like this!"

Epoh was pleased, Sulha was in a state where she could be made to Hope rather easily.

Epoh spoke to her, "Sulha, your son is alive, keep hope in yourself and have faith in us, your gods!"

Sulha replied, "I have done everything for you, I have prayed each morning for the last forty years of my life, how much faith do you ask of me?".

Epoh was getting a bit impatient, "Faith isn't a measure for us Sulha, we are all knowing beings, a moment where your faith is gone is like an eternity for us, keep the flame of hope burning inside you!".

Epoh hoped the cryptic speech should buy him some time, he had to think up of something. Rey had told him the family was superstitious and held belief in Gods, Epoh had taken advantage of the second fact but what about superstition, could he use that to his advantage.

Sulha's reply brimmed with hope, "I am ready to keep faith, I am ready to do everything, I am ready to hope Raj will come back...just please give me a sign, anything, I just need to know your really there for us!".

Epoh was taken aback, the silly woman was asking for impossible things, Epoh didn't know if this God humans believed in existed or not. He had to reply quickly.

"Keep your belief Sulha".

Epoh could think of nothing else to say, he had to do something as he could see hope slowly going out of Sulha like sand would from a dry hand. That's when he noticed it...flowers. There were flowers hanging near the heads of gods, Epoh quickly jumped out of Sulha and dove into the flower, these were easy things to manipulate, they were small and gullible.

Epoh spoke to the flower, "Oye twist around a little and drop yourself down now!".

The flower obeyed, and dropped down, went on the head of the god and down on the floor where Sulha was kneeling, she observed this.

Sulha's voice filled the room, "DEV! The God's have given me a sign, our son is still alive, the flower falling from above is a good omen. We need to believe he is still alive, he's only missing, they will find him!".

Epoh stepped back and saw the flames of Hope springing out of Sulha and making their way into Dev; Epoh was ecstatic. Hope targeted Tara next but he couldn't enter Tara. Clearly Raef's meddling into Tara had been a success, Epoh was getting impatient, he wondered why was Ecifircas taking so long.

Raef spoke to Epoh, "You know Tara will convince them otherwise, with the amount of fear I have put into her, she'll convince them. I'm not going to let you imprison people with hope for years on end".

Epoh replied tauntingly, "Your an incompetent fool Raef, if I wanted to I could enter Tara right now, you haven't put enough fear in her to block hope off. You still have time to step aside and let me do my work, go about your own business".

Just then Ecifircas entered the room, before Raef could do anything he was attacked by Epoh, once again the two great powers began their battle which could have no winner.

Epoh shouted out to Ecifircas, "Execute Plan B at once and please don't improvise, do what I told you to do, we don't want a repeat of last times silly mistakes you made".

Ecifircas ignored Epoh's taunts, he was getting bored of them, he thought it was okay to endure them; after all it was Epoh who showed him ways to harness lots of power. Ecifircas' great weapon was sacrifice, a lot of the time he needed Epoh's help to convince humans to make sacrifices, he helped Epoh when help was needed and expected the same in return.

Ecifircas dove into Tara and was met with somewhat conflicting thoughts, clearly Raef hadn't been as successful as he thought he was.
"I've only been married 6 months, how can this happen to me, God can't be this cruel, he can't take Raj away from me so early!"

"But the news channels, they said 90% of the people who go missing are dead".

Ecifircas spoke in the softest voice he could muster up, "Tara look within yourself, you have a baby on the way. Your father-in-law and mother-in-law are old, see how happy they are from a slight glimmer of hope of their son still being alive. You must pretend your husband is still alive, sacrifice your life for them, continue to act as his wife, continue to make sure your child thinks his father is alive!"

Tara responded, "I want them to be happy, I want my child to be happy too, but how can I live a lie! What if Raj is really dead!".

Ecifircas realised that he was almost there, "It may not be a lie, your sacrifice will keep everyone happy and if Raj is truly alive he will be proud of you for what you did!".

Ecifircas could feel the emotions of sacrifice seeping in, growing stronger, his job was done.

Raef stopped fighting, a force was resisting him, it was pushing him out; the emotions of sacrifice and hope were both so strong in the home now. They acted as a massive barrier for Raef, he didn't know what he could do, he could see Hope devouring Dev and Sacrifice springing to life inside Tara as he was driven away from the home. Epoh and Ecifircas were beaming with joy, they expected the Jugga family's eventual plight from harboring these emotion will bring them a good dose of power on a regular basis.

Raef knew he had lost this battle so he left the village, it is not known where he went, but he did go with one thought ringing in his mind; Epoh had to be stopped.
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 1355
Reviews: 27
Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:41 am
ahhhsmusch says...



Alright, as I go through this I am just going to write down my thoughts.

"Epoh had become lazy" Why has he become lazy?
"You've been gone a few months", screeched Epoh. - Is he actually screeching? If not, then I'm guessing he is angry. If he is angry, then his dialogue doesn't convey this. Also, the comma should be inside the quotation marks.

When Epoh encounters Raef, you say that Epoh is angry. Try and show this instead of telling it.

Also, if you are going to introduce a character like Raef who obviously has a long history with Epoh, then you should describe it, or at least describe what he looks like. I'm guessing these guys aren't humans, so what am I trying to imagine?

I don't think you should use parenthesis to tell the names of characters. It breaks up the flow and sounds unnatural.

Also, a lot of the dialogue sounds very archaic, forced, and doesn't flow very well.

For example, "Whenever you try to make someone suffer, it has a lot to do with me, I tried to stop you during the World Wars, I'll try again now"
or
"I've only been married 6 months, how can this happen to me, God can't be this cruel, he can't take Raj away from me so early!"

Also, there is a lot of dialogue that sounds like stereotypical superhero talk which means there are a bunch of one liners and descriptions of how one character wronged the other and the result is the current battle.

Also, don't place periods after quotation marks, you place them inside.

Yeah, there is a lot that you can do to make this more natural. Read it out loud so that you know what it sounds like when someone else is reading it.

Sorry for all the criticism :( I'm just trying to help
-Adam
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 1355
Reviews: 27
Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:41 am
ahhhsmusch says...



Alright, as I go through this I am just going to write down my thoughts.

"Epoh had become lazy" Why has he become lazy?
"You've been gone a few months", screeched Epoh. - Is he actually screeching? If not, then I'm guessing he is angry. If he is angry, then his dialogue doesn't convey this. Also, the comma should be inside the quotation marks.

When Epoh encounters Raef, you say that Epoh is angry. Try and show this instead of telling it.

Also, if you are going to introduce a character like Raef who obviously has a long history with Epoh, then you should describe it, or at least describe what he looks like. I'm guessing these guys aren't humans, so what am I trying to imagine?

I don't think you should use parenthesis to tell the names of characters. It breaks up the flow and sounds unnatural.

Also, a lot of the dialogue sounds very archaic, forced, and doesn't flow very well.

For example, "Whenever you try to make someone suffer, it has a lot to do with me, I tried to stop you during the World Wars, I'll try again now"
or
"I've only been married 6 months, how can this happen to me, God can't be this cruel, he can't take Raj away from me so early!"

Also, there is a lot of dialogue that sounds like stereotypical superhero talk which means there are a bunch of one liners and descriptions of how one character wronged the other and the result is the current battle.

Also, don't place periods after quotation marks, you place them inside.

Yeah, there is a lot that you can do to make this more natural. Read it out loud so that you know what it sounds like when someone else is reading it.

Sorry for all the criticism :( I'm just trying to help
-Adam
  








See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney