Young Writers Society

It was time to leave and I didn't want to go but I knew I had to; facing school after all of the humiliation caused by my twin sister yesterday was going to be impossible. She'd thrown together a slide show of my worst pictures and shown everyone. It was time to walk out the door, I put my hand on the door knob and breathed in, I hadn't told any adults about the incident because there were teachers around. I got in my car and waited a few seconds before letting the car breathe to life. I drove off in no hurry to get to school. I arrived at the exact moment that my sister was getting out of her car. Trent and I were faternal twins, one big difference betweens us was that she was popular and I was no. I aws more of a nerd and I hugn out with film geeks much like myself. I enjoyed making films, documentaries, short films, and any other form of movie or film that a girl can make without being a big time Hollywood dirctor. I will admit though I did get jealous of my sister at times and angry at her all the time. Mom always told me that it was just a phase, but you don't just have an eighteen year old phase where you hate your sister, it just doesn't happen... and that's why I murdered her.

This is good, but I feel you might need to flesh it out longer. It seems, to be honest with you, really rushed. We're just given reasons why you killed her. You are TELLING us. It is much better if you SHOW us. What were the specific pictures? If the character is angry, show it through her actions rather than her words. What does she do? Be more specific. Honestly, would you kill your sister for showing pictures of you around the school. I am sure it has more meaning to you, but at the moment that is the only reason I can think of as a possible reason to kill her. So, you need to E-D-I-T this.

there were a little typing mistakes..if you could just read it over. You gave reasons, but aren't they too trivial for somebody to kill her sister? it makes the story go really of the bounds, you know? I feel you should add some more to the story, like a few more causes of the pent-up anger of the character n what actually happened. The plot needs to be edited and the base of the story needs to be clarified. You mentioned the interests of the character but does it really go with the current story line?
else, i guess once written properly, it'll come out to be an excellent story
best of luck!

Hey! I'm Holly This is my first review, and I hope it helps you!

I think this is an interesting story, and I like the concept, but there is room for improvement. I also think that this could have more detail to make it a bit longer. Maybe mention what the narrator's name is.

Firstly, you need to read over your story for grammar errors. There are the occasional spelling mistake, that I think are just typos, like:

AliyahPillage wrote:I aws more of a nerd and I hugn out with film geeks much like myself.

Simple things like these just need to be checked for through Spellchecker.
Also, there aren't many commas through this story.

I will admit though I did get jealous of my sister at times and angry at her all the time

This needs to be split up with commas, for example, "I will admit, though I did get jealous of my sister at times, and I was always angry at her." This gives the story more flow, and easier to read.

This also needs to be split into paragraphs, and more detail added to give more of a background. When a new subject is introduced, begin a new line and indent it to show it's a new paragraph. For example, a new paragraph is needed when this sentence begins:

Trent and I were faternal twins, one big difference betweens us was that she was popular and I was no.

There isn't much description. What does Trent look like? How does she look in comparison to her twin?
Also, describe Trent's hobbies. You've described how the "Nerd" twin lives her life, but you've only said that Trent is popular. I'm interested to know what Trent likes!

Also maybe describe how Trent is dressed in comparison to her twin, here:

I arrived at the exact moment that my sister was getting out of her car

I think I'd like to also see maybe a bit of dialogue, perhaps an example of the things Trent says to her?

Overall I do really like the idea of this story, but I just think it needs to be expanded with more description and detail, and just remember to proofread for spelling/grammar errors, and just to be sure, check with a spellchecker

Holly.

Great idea but needs more work.

A writer must know how to grab the attention of the reader and in order to do that, you should have described the killing more and your lifestyle lesser. That's what I think. The emotions of killing your sister is missing and if you included that, this piece would've been the best piece for the night.
I hope to read this piece after edits