Young Writers Society

For VuzzyCat's contest, "Emotions Attack!"

Emotion: Excitement

Reviews are very well welcomed. xD Enjoy! ^_^


"Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. But there was certainly no motive to care a cell about it at the time. It wasn't just any moment. I was in the middle of one of the most important moments of my life!

All the questions involving my future had been answered in that letter.

As important as it was, I was so excited I squeezed the letter in my hands. I couldn't help my shaking hands and my smile couldn't get any wider.

I could feel my heart beating hard as I ran and jumped all around the house, like never-ending drum music. My soul and heart wanted to hop out of my human limitations and just fly and fly near God and thank Him.

I hopped on the couch, a touch of sunset beautifying the living room, a perfect warm breeze surrounded the house and nothing like my mother's brownies' smell to make me feel I could defy gravity.

"I did it, Mama!" I yelled as soon as she walked in. "The most anticipated letter!" I've always had a vivacious personality, but my mother looked at me stranged when she saw me bouncing on the couch as if I were a little kid again.

"I got into college!"

"Oh, my God!" She yelled so loud her voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. She hopped on the couch, and squeezed me.

"Congrats, sweetie!" Her eyes couldn't get any shinier and her brownies couldn't get any more delicious. All the excitement could've made the house explode.

The dusk arrived before I'd even realized. I got on my pajamas and rolled into bed to see if, somehow, I could get some sleep, but life isn't that simple when you're that happy.

I got on my feet again. The lamp-post outside my window created a shadow, the silhouette of my body.

I turned on the radio, and it was already 11:00P.M. when I was still looking at the wall, dancing side to side, and singing, "My future got accepted! And exciting things happen every day!"

Thanks for the reviews, guys. <33

"Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere.
...
"Oh, my God!" She yelled so loud her voice was probably heard in the thermosphere.

While I appreciate the repetition, it just looks lazy for you to use the same hyperbole twice. What you could have done, instead, is use the same kind of hyperbole, but make it more exaggerated. Like have the first one be mesosphere and the second one be thermosphere...as in, "she somehow said it louder than I did." Except then, with that level of technicality, the effect may be lost on the average reader. So an equivalent hyperbole-on-hyperbole might be "my voice was probably heard in Africa...her voice was probably heard in China" or whatever's appropriate for where you live.

It wasn't just any moment. I was in the middle of one of the most important moments of my life!

Parallelism required. "It wasn't just any moment. It was the most important moment..." It sounds better if you use the same number of the object in question. (Moment vs. Moments).

All the questions related to my future had an answer in that letter.

Wordy. If you're so excited, then you want to get the words out as quickly as possible. "All the questions related to my future had an answer..." It's a mouthful.

I was so excited I squeeze the letter

"squeezed". Past tense.

my mother looked at me weird-out

Unless that's a saying where you're from, that doesn't look like proper grammar to me.

and squeeze me.

"squeezed". Again, past tense.

All the excitement could've make

"made". Past tense.

All the excitement could've make the house explode.

The dusk arrived before I even realized. I got on my pajamas and rolled to bed to see if, somehow, I could get some sleep, but life isn't that simple when you're that happy.

No sense of the passage of time. It just looks like she delivered the news then went to bed right away, and the brownies you've talked about so much disappeared instantly.

The light pole outside my window created a shadow, the girly silhouette of my body.

What's the point of this sentence?

So yes. You've taken out this tiny slice of good news and presented it as excitement. You're relying too much on the reader's preconceptions for your excitement, though. Yes, she got accepted to college. What about it? Was she dreading that the answer would be "no"? Was she going to have to join the military if not? Would she end up waitressing an IHOP otherwise? None of this has to be somber or anything; you can deal with it jovially. But to be really excited for her, we have to know what it means to her. What does this mean besides "answering her future"? What else is there besides, "I got into a college and I am happy!"? You played with it a little with the "beautiful sunset" and the "delicious brownies" and finishing with her dancing. But each of these things just came and went and didn't really hit home.

Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. But there was certainly no motive to care a cell about it at the time. It wasn't just any moment. I was in the middle of one of the most important moments of my life!

Interesting start, invoking question in the reader.

The emboldened part is a phrase I've never heard before, but perhaps that's just me.

All the questions related to my future had an answer in that letter.

All the questions related to my future had an answer, in that letter - Good.
All the questions related to my future had been answered, in that letter. - Better.
All the questions involving my future had been answered in that letter. - Best.

Just a little nitpick, but I honestly think it sounds better. Some people might disagree, but if you like the sound of any of those better then the likelihood is that others will too.

As important as it was, I was so excited that I squeezed the letter in my hands. I couldn't help my shaking hands and my smile couldn't get any wider.

Let's maintain the correct tense here, shall we?

I could feel my heart beating hard as I ran and jumped all around the house, like never stopping drum music. My soul and heart wanted to hop out of my human limitations and just fly and fly near God and thank Him.

I could feel my heart beating hard, as I ran and jumped all around the house, like never-ending drum music.

I think that just sounds more 'fitting' again...

I hopped on the couch, a touch of sunset beautifying the living room, aperfect warm breeze surrounded the house and there was nothing like my mother's brownies' smell to make me feel I could defy gravity.

... and again, except we have a little bit of tense confusion which I fixed here.

"I did it, Mama!" I yelled as soon as she walked in. "This is the most beautiful 'Accepted' I've seen in my life!" I've always had a vivacious personality, but my mother looked at me weird-out when she saw me bouncing on the couch as if I were a little kid again.

I think the emboldened part doesn't really work. I don't really know what you mean by the most beautiful 'Accepted' and I don't know what weird-out means. Again, maybe that's just me. But, if it's not just me, then most other readers are probably feeling the same. Whilst the other instances were only minor and not really super necessary, I really can't get past this bit without wanting to change the sentence around desperately.

"I got into college!"

A really nice use of a simple sentence, that instantly reveals all of the questions the reader had up to this point. Well done.

"Oh, my God!" She yelled so loud her voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. She hopped on the couch, and squeeze me.

Haha, this made me smile. The repetition is a brilliant way of showing the mother-daughter relationship, and it's really a beautiful image when the mother join in the childish jumping.

"Congrats, sweetie!" Her eyes couldn't get any shinier and her brownies couldn't get any more delicious. All the excitement could've made the house explode.

Tense confusion!

The dusk arrived before I'd even realized. I got on my pajamas and rolled into bed to see if, somehow, I could get some sleep, but life isn't as simple when you're that happy.

The emboldened text is necessary, but the italics just sound better. I don't think you can 'roll to bed.'

I got on my feet again. The light pole outside my window created a shadow, the girly silhouette of my body.

What's a light pole? - Is that a lamp-post? - I also don't think you need the girly in there.

I turned on the radio, and it was already 11:00P.M. when I was still looking at the wall, dancing side to side, and singing, "My future got accepted! And exciting things happen every day!"

A very happy ending to a very happy story. You've got a really nice flow with words, but at some points it becomes a wincy bit clunky, in my honest opinion. You've got to maintain the tense you're writing in, otherwise it just sounds really bad. If you correct that though, this is actually a really nice little inspirational story for those who are trying to get into college. Your vocabulary is good, but a little bit odd at times. Overall, though, a good piece of writing, that with a quick-read and some little changes here and there, is something to be really proud of!

~JCK, as requested.

Yeah, I agree with the previous reviewer. She already got you on all the poor writing, but the story didn't have any depth either. We just see her as an empty, flat girl who got into some college. No offense but kind of like the end to some cheesy Disney movie.

LOL. Thanks, Mistie.

Hello Solva!

It's been months since I've pressed the keyboard just solely intended for a review. Oh well, I'm pretty sure this might get a little bit vague so please pardon me for that! ^^

"Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. But there was certainly no motive to care a cell about it at the time. It wasn't just any moment. I was in the middle of one of the most important moments of my life!

I'm not sure if this is a good opening line. You tend to overemphasize your character's situation here by placing exclamation points four times in a row. Well, I don't think it's a bad thing— maybe because it's purposely intended to create this exciting atmosphere between your characters and readers, but for me, it seems as if your character is yelling right behind my back (to the max. volume) and it's somewhat irritating. It doesn't feel as if I am excited for your character. Perhaps you need to show more — let us see her jump for joy, heart beats fast, goosebumps, etc. Creating an excitement to a story should be like creating a suspense. It should be a surprise but not too mysterious though. ^^

Ahh. Since the grammatical component of the story is reviewed already, I'm going to skip that. ^^

Okay. Your story is all too sweet, but sprinkling a little bit of sour here and there will make this story better— in my opinion. Maybe you can put your character's sacrifices during the process of applying and getting into the college— what were the difficulties that she had experienced before, that were easily dissolved as she finally received the acceptance letter? I think you also need to build more the atmosphere, Solva. Telling us she's yelling for joy wouldn't convince me enough that she's really happy and excited. What you have here needs to have more depth. I think that's what the story is missing from the start.

When all's said and done, thank you for the read. I think what you're offering right here has a lot of potential, Solva. I hope this review is helpful (then again, everything is purely based on my opinion) and let me know if you have any question. I also apologize if some parts here came off as repetitive since I just directly click "reply" without scanning all posts here. And yes, this took me a while because my brain is slowly processing to work back again for reviewing.<3

Peace out,
Yuri


Oh and one more thing I'd like to add. I suggest revising your title since it comes out pretty obvious as the ending of the story, thus, lessening the "excitement" effect. ^^

Solly! <3

I soo love this! Seeing as the contest was all about emotions, I'm so glad you've taken the better set of emotions that come along with excitement,instead of the boring drab monotonous sad emotions. I love the descriptions and lovely dialogue.

I can see that the reviewers above me had pointed out some mistakes. But honestly, whether you've altered the whole piece or not, it's brilliant the way it is

Keep writing this great!

Murtuza