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Young Writers Society


The Lucky Ones



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489 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 17895
Reviews: 489
Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:48 pm
Dreamwalker says...



They saw her when she smiled. Like a fluorescent bulb she lit, warming and consoling without words. Without sound. And though she draped herself in fabric, and though her face was caked with melancholy smears, she raised her head and kept her lips firm. The flakes of mascara and patches of foundation clung not to the skin of a girl, but a statue. A stronger, better version of everything she feared she wasn’t.

They would see her laughing, each chortle unlike the first, and every moment conserved. City lights would illuminate her eyes even after masking the stars which she so craved. But she would not complain. No, she would continue to smile.

And when she sang, the sound would loom, leaving each person with memories of a better day. A better time. A better world. She would sing as if the words meant more than merely words, and though she could not see the meaning, she would sing them nonetheless as a martyr might. Every ache would expend. Every crook would unbend. Every thought would be on her and she would think of them tirelessly.

They would see her when she bloomed.

She would see herself wither.

As the nights drew on, she would raise her glass, drain the last few drops, and wave goodbye with the sweetest of expressions. As she took each breath, the retreating steps confirmed sharp exhales. Panicked immobility. When she was alone, the lights would die and the colour would drain as she drained herself by filling her cup, wondering how much more she could take before it consumed her too.

The bottom of a scotch bottle kissed her goodnight as it did every night, and though she could never explain the allure of a fleeting lover, she would show it on her skin and the bruised circles under her eyes. The only thing she was ever able to keep was the cupboards full of gin. The whiskey on her nightstand.

And she was alone.

But they never saw her then. They never saw when she cried.

Spoiler! :
Meh. I was bored. It came of its own accord. Rip it up.
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:30 am
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StoryWeaver13 says...



I actually thought this was really well-written. Overall, this was a really good piece; I loved the way you explained your main character, it made us really sympathize with her by the time it began to talk about what was going on beneath the surface. That can be hard to do in such a short piece (or at all). But you gave her a personality, without her ever saying a word.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:28 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Walker!

So, I'm not going to pretend to know what this is actually about, but I'm going to tell you that I liked it.

In my head, it was about someone who people look up to, someone who always knows how to make others laugh and can show them the best in them. On the inside, and away from prying eyes though, she's broken and delicate and the alcohol makes things better. Feel free to laugh at my ability to not get what this was about at all, but sometimes when I'm not too sure about something, I decide to paint the picture my way ;)

The imagery was lovely and the descriptions were great, like in all of your work. It wasn't too flowery or overbearing and it didn't take away from the piece. It made it, I think. Sometimes a story without dialogue is better, because the writer has to try and get the character's life and thoughts across without relying on words. I think you're great at it. I felt sorry for the MC. I wanted to know what was wrong and how I could make things better for her.

Yeah, sorry for a waste of your time review, but credit's due where it's due.

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle