Young Writers Society

The start of a piece I never finished. It's actually a sequel, I'd like thoughts/opinions on what I should do with it.



The skeleton branches danced as shadows against the burning sunset. Through an opening at the base of the trees, a creek frozen in time swerved among the roots. The branches high above reflected on the ice like intricate distorted cracks. Roots rose from the frozen water like hands on a clock that had come to rest with the sudden freezing of the water, each seeming to have its own mark in time. Fallen twigs and branches formed a frozen mass that littered the forest floor in all directions that filled peripheral vision to the far depths of the gray snowflake-laden mist. Covered in a thin layer of frost, it caused the forest to glisten in random patterns with the sunset and change shape with the slow moving of the skeleton branches.
Transparent feet, holding the same physical features for all eternity, propelled a rifle-wielding silhouette silently through the forest. Following the river, the feet moved onward, not ever quite touching the ice. The rifle that the silhouette ran with, a .30 caliber BAR, will never ran out of ammunition, but held the same opaque properties of the feet of the silhouette. Held close among the descending snowflakes, the rifle was one key to the silhouette's identity that would never change with time. The silhouette that held the gun had no destination, yet he ran with a speed at admirable pace, following only the laws of physics he saw fit. The soul that powered this ghostly individual had a name, a name feared by all of those that hid among the shadows of the Time Stolen Forest. A name that flowed like the invisible muscles of his never-aging legs.
Richard Von Thream.

condirant wrote:will never ran out of ammunition I would change to "would never run out"

condirant wrote: yet he ran with a speed at admirable paceI would take out "with a speed"

As for the piece itself, I think you should try to go somewhere with it, but I don't have any suggestions. It's a little wordy in the first paragraph, but that's okay if it's an introduction to something bigger. I would say that you should have the person with the gun as a main character but not the main character. Maybe he could be a person who someone else is hunting. Maybe at some point he had a person or a place he was running to, or something he was trying to find, but after so much time he's just become part of the forest. The main character could be doing the same thing that the guy was doing when he turned into what he is and now the guy is trying to keep the main character from making the same mistakes that he did. But those are just suggestions. Come up with your own ideas and keep working on this!

~Amylith

Actually, he's the hunter, and one of the two main characters. Thanks for your input, I'll most likely apply your first editing suggestion.

Hi there, condirant.

Reviewreviewreview.

Okay, there's one major issue here and it's not hard to point out.

There's way too much detail. Usually, one might say when reviewing a piece of literature that there is not enough detail but this is completely the opposite for these two paragraphs. In almost every line, you put to use a metaphor or a simile. Sure, those things are fun but when they're used repeatedly it's tedious to for your audience to read and it really contributes an atmosphere of professionalism or Stephenie-Meyer-ism. In short, overdoing it is definitely something one would like to avoid, in writing and in life.

Also, too many details can also contribute to confusion with sentences. Because there's so many words and descriptions, even you as the writer can forget where you're going with everything. This can cause major faults within a piece of writing, whether or not it's as short as this specific thing of yours. For example:

Through an opening at the base of the trees, a creek frozen in time swerved among the roots.

It's really confusing because it possessing several different meanings and/or interpretations that the reader could get. For example, this is the impression I got from the sentence the first time I read it (and I'm a very skilled artist, as you can see):



You might want to rephrase this - in fact, I strongly suggest that you do rephrase it - but I'll leave arrangements and all that up to you. It is your writing and not mine after all.

A second thing that I'd like to touch base on is your use of metaphors and similes. (That's similes, not smilies, by the way.) Like I mentioned previously, they're fun to use in writing but too many can cause a few serious problems and one of them is that too many causes a dragging story that eventually becomes dull for readers.

Also, a lot of your metaphors and/or similes don't make sense with the comparison. Like:

Roots rose from the frozen water like hands on a clock that had come to rest with the sudden freezing of the water,

Er ... what? It doesn't make sense. I dare you to explain to me coherently how roots can look like that.

I could nitpick my way through but I don't have the time and it wouldn't polite. You have a few good points in these two short paragraphs, such as impeccable spelling and a good and strong vocabulary. All of which are always very crucial to a well-written anything.

Lastly, I'd just like to mention that your first line is a fragmented sentence.

Overall, I think I've made it clear that I wasn't too fond of this and you should probably let Mr. Description take a holiday sometime in the very near future. Detail is good - it's important in creative writing - but too much is like too many painkillers. It just numbs everything and the story ends up evading real honest substance. Also: metaphors and similes. Lay off those as well and make sure that when you do use them, that they're sensible and understandable.

I don't want you to be offended by this review - that is not my intent whatsoever - but I'm trying to be honest so I can give you the best possible review yet. It will only improve your writing.

If you have any questions or comments about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie

Lavvie wrote:

Roots rose from the frozen water like hands on a clock that had come to rest with the sudden freezing of the water,

Er ... what? It doesn't make sense. I dare you to explain to me coherently how roots can look like that.


Yours,
Lavvie

It makes perfect sense. The roots in the frozen water came to rest like the hands on a stopped clock.

Plus, metaphors are not always supposed to be clear. I am extremely metaphorical in my writing, some people find it hard to follow, others do not. You simply have to have a certain way of thinking to see it.