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Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:56 pm
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Aweisman120 says...



First thing I've written in to long, excuse my lack of separating paragraphs, I haven't been in a proper English speaking school for 7 years. helpful comments would be appreciated.



I remember the day Adrian and Arianna met, how could I forget? It started like any other Adrian woke up at six a.m. to the sound of his neighbor's rooster, no one can sleep through that horrid noise in the past it has been compared to a train screeching to a stop...other times to a cat purring in your ear. But this morning it was a train, a rather loud one perhaps an old Whitcomb model. Adrian climbed slowly out of bed his tiredness was obvious it weighed heavily on his eyes witch were half closed. He slowly made his way to the window and pulled back the drapes, the sun was only just peaking over the western horizon, even though he was only on the second floor Adrian could see for miles the vast ocean was like an enormous sparkling sapphire ignited by the hot afternoon sun. Adrian quickly quickly showered then dressed, he felt something special was happening today so instead of his usual ragged blue jeans he put on an unwrinkled pair of black khakis he found beneath a large pile of bricks in his closet. He finished dressing but noticed he forgot to brush his teeth so he ran to the bathroom on his way he noticed his window was open, not wanting any mosquitoes to fly in from the humid South American rainforest he slide them shut and with a metallic clicked they locked. He continued on to the bathroom to brush his teeth but once there decided against it when he saw the desert death adder or Acanthophis pyrrhus resting in his sink, living in the desert is hard, he thought to himself. Adrian walked out of the bathroom carefully closing the door and locking it so that Arianna his wife would not make the same mistake he almost did. He walked past his bed and out the front door into the stairway of his apartment building he could smell coffee and eggs as people went about there usual morning task of making breakfast, Adrian would stop off at Starbucks on his way to work. As he hurriedly descended the creaky stairs he passed by Mr. Callahan and his wife waiting for there copy of the Irish Times Adrian bid them both good morning and waved but of course they didn't respond as they were both blind and deaf. Adrian descended the last flight of stairs to the luxurious lobby of his New Jersey penthouse he gave a curt wave to the hotel manager and checked out with the clerk. He hurried towards the elevator catching it just in time, he stepped through the stainless steel double doors and into the frigid arctic air. Adrian was freezing and pulled his heavy seal skin coat tighter, he could feel the cold air and the sting of snow hitting his face he raised his hand yelling: “Taxi!”, the white Israeli taxi stopped in front of him Adrian climbed in to the back seat glad to be out of the burning Israeli sun. “where to my friend?” the taxi driver said in an obviously Russian accent hes' a local thought Adrian good they know there way around here a bit better than the immigrants, “The Starbucks at 37th & Broadway please” the taxi driver grunted an answer in German and pressed hard on the accelerator the back wheels kicked up a cloud of loose snow as he pulled away from the curb. The ride was was short perhaps 15 minutes, maybe 20 and you'd be pushing it if you said 30. Adrian exited the taxi to the left and walked across the busy Ethiopian marketplace and towards the Starbucks but maybe 5 feet from the glass doors he crashed into her, Arianna I'm going to go a bit unorthodox and say: She. Was. Beautiful. Adrian though did not notice this...at first but then she turned to him to apologize the frusterated look on his face quickly transformed into a flustered “oh my god, I’m in love” face. Arianna was well...speechless but not because of Adrian's (amazing) looks but more likely because he had made her spill her hot coffee all over her white blouse, brown on white. Adrian smiled nervously and apologized profusely and in the end well neither of them know how but Adrian and Arianna found themselves sitting across from each other in Starbucks having coffee. Adrian told Arianna all about himself, how hard it was being an architect finding work had always been hard in Dublin but now more than ever it was harder. And of course Arianna told him about herself, her job as a fashion designer at a prestigious company in Tokyo, and she was in New York for a meeting, the talking continued for what they thought was only minutes but it was lunch time and Adrian had asked her out she of course said yes, he was a charming man and she figured she'd give him a chance. They decided to meet that night at Al Forno at Mirdif City center.

Adrian was anxious, jumpy, totally out of him mind as he walked through the busy streets of Dubai that evening making his way to Al Forno What if she stands me up?? What if she can't come and I’ve missed her call? What if she lost my number and can't call me to say she can't make it?? Adrian checked his phone for the hundredth time, no missed calls, no texts “ookaayy” he sighed, the Al Forno building came into sight there sitting by the window was Arianna, Adrian was overjoyed and as if nothing could go wrong he strode forward confident that this date could only end well. Around that moment was when something entirely unexpected and totally uncalled for happened, a bomb exploded anyone within 10 feet was turned instantly to ash Adrian was thrown backwards by the powerful blast and fell through a door of a local law firm landing on the cushioned seats of the taxi “Al Forno, and step on it” the taxi driver smiled the restaurant was known to be very romantic “on a date?” he asked casually. Adrian smiled and nodded “not just any date” the taxi driver laughed teasingly “is she pretty?” Adrian's smile only got bigger “No, She. Is. Beautiful.” The driver laughed “well good luck to you my friend, that will be 15 pesos” Adrian payed the man and still smiling climbed out of the taxi. Adrian was anxious, jumpy, totally out of his mind as he walked through the busy streets of Dubai making his way to Al Forno What if she stands me up?? What if she can't come and I’ve missed her call? What if she lost my number and can't call me to say she can't make it?? Adrian checked his phone for the hundredth time, no missed calls, no texts “ookaayy” he sighed, the Al Forno building came into sight there sitting by the window was Arianna, Adrian was overjoyed and as if nothing could go wrong he strode forward confident that this date could only end well. Around that moment was when something entirely unexpected and totally uncalled for happened, Bob and old friend of Adrian's from a past life came careening down the empty sidewalk a black duffel bag that he gripped tightly in both hands with London’s finest right behind him! Adrian had a moment of truth, either help out an old friend do something obviously illegal, or continue on his current course and go have dinner with a beautiful lady he'd only met that morning...”Adrian!!” Bob had recognized him and was asking for help!! Adrian took immediate action, he waited till the last second then stuck his foot out effectively tripping Bob and allowing the police officers to pile on top of him. Adrian smiled and looked towards Arianna, she was looking at him obviously impressed by his valorous deed. Adrian winked and stepped into the Italian restaurant. The rest of the night went buy very fast and the later parts I can't really say much about because this is rated “E”.

THE END

P.S. They got married in Guantanamo Bay Detention Center...but later moved to a community of Eskimos living in the north pole but soon it got a bit cold so they decided to settle down in Ireland where they live today with three and a half children Billy, Bryce and Rose.
Last edited by Aweisman120 on Fri Sep 23, 2011 10:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Sep 22, 2011 5:18 pm
BluesClues says...



Okay... I was going to just copy the whole story into here and go through it, making corrections as I went...but I'm confused on a lot of points, so I'm going to write this instead.

First of all, your English is mostly fine. Your main problem is that you overuse commas and underuse periods - in other words, you have a lot of run-on sentences. You also have some irrelevancies. Like, we don't care that he forgot to brush his teeth - you can just tell us he noticed the window was open.

Okay, now for things that don't make sense.

1. Why is he waking up in the late afternoon? Maybe I'd find out later in the story, but I stopped reading it because I got so confused by the things I'm now listing here.

2. Why does he have a pile of bricks in his closet? Why did he have pants under the bricks? Why are the pants NOT wrinkled if they were crushed under a pile of bricks? Also, you can't have black khakis. Khaki is a beige color - when people are wearing khakis, they're wearing beige pants. Maybe you meant capris, those are short pants (above the ankle but below the knee). Also, why did he just "feel" that something special was going to happen today, and why was that enough for him to put on black pants instead of jeans?

3. I thought he lived in the rainforest by the ocean. You show us the view of the ocean out his window - miles away, you say, but still visible - then you say "South American rainforest" and mosquitoes, but then you have a death adder - by which you either mean a death adder, which is any snake belonging to the genus Ancanthophis, in which case there can't be a death adder in his sink because they're native to Australia, New Guinea and the surrounding islands, excepting the copperhead which is native to NORTH America - or you meant a puff adder, which is native to Africa and the Arab peninsula except for a harmless species that is also native to North America. Either way, a death adder cannot be in his sink, because he's in the South American rainforest - I THOUGHT, but then you said "life is hard in the desert."

In short: I AM SO CONFUSED!

Check your facts, decide where he is, and decide what sort of terrain and species would be there!!! Rewrite based on that, then let me know and I will edit the revision.

~Blue

Also, reading the end - how do they have three and a HALF children? That's only possible in the population average, because it's an average!!! I don't understand!!!!
  





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Thu Sep 22, 2011 5:19 pm
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BluesClues says...



Okay... I was going to just copy the whole story into here and go through it, making corrections as I went...but I'm confused on a lot of points, so I'm going to write this instead.

First of all, your English is mostly fine. Your main problem is that you overuse commas and underuse periods - in other words, you have a lot of run-on sentences. You also have some irrelevancies. Like, we don't care that he forgot to brush his teeth - you can just tell us he noticed the window was open.

Okay, now for things that don't make sense.

1. Why is he waking up in the late afternoon? Maybe I'd find out later in the story, but I stopped reading it because I got so confused by the things I'm now listing here.

2. Why does he have a pile of bricks in his closet? Why did he have pants under the bricks? Why are the pants NOT wrinkled if they were crushed under a pile of bricks? Also, you can't have black khakis. Khaki is a beige color - when people are wearing khakis, they're wearing beige pants. Maybe you meant capris, those are short pants (above the ankle but below the knee). Also, why did he just "feel" that something special was going to happen today, and why was that enough for him to put on black pants instead of jeans?

3. I thought he lived in the rainforest by the ocean. You show us the view of the ocean out his window - miles away, you say, but still visible - then you say "South American rainforest" and mosquitoes, but then you have a death adder - by which you either mean a death adder, which is any snake belonging to the genus Ancanthophis, in which case there can't be a death adder in his sink because they're native to Australia, New Guinea and the surrounding islands, excepting the copperhead which is native to NORTH America - or you meant a puff adder, which is native to Africa and the Arab peninsula except for a harmless species that is also native to North America. Either way, a death adder cannot be in his sink, because he's in the South American rainforest - I THOUGHT, but then you said "life is hard in the desert."

In short: I AM SO CONFUSED!

Check your facts, decide where he is, and decide what sort of terrain and species would be there!!! Rewrite based on that, then let me know and I will edit the revision.

~Blue

Also, reading the end - how can they have three and a HALF children???? That's only possible in the population average!!!
  





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Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:17 pm
Aweisman120 says...



Your reaction is exactly the kind of reaction I wanted: Confusion. The story makes no sense because i never wanted it to it sort of the...style everything makes zero sense, I enjoyed writing it and it got the reaction i wanted!

About the punctuation, well you're definitely right.

And about the last part, it started getting to confusing to write so I just sort of went random.
  








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