Young Writers Society

All I could feel at that moment was the immobilizing fear and shame that resonated deep within my bones. I could feel it pulsating in my ears, overcoming the drone silence. I was afraid of the silence, of its eerie ringing that whispers something is coming. Of the fear, I welcomed it with open arms, though painful as I knew its embrace would become.
******
Naomi closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She sat on the bathroom floor, alone in her house. This time, there was no one to stop her. Lifting her shaking hand, she gazed at the silver blade. She asked herself if she really wanted to do this, and her answer was an immediate yes. She was exited when the sharp pain laced up her arm, though guilt immediately intruded upon her moment of relief.
Finally, she had found a way to dull the pain. The abandonment Naomi felt from her father leaving, her shame at the way her emotions flew out of control, and the part she played in deteriorating Daniel’s love for her. It was making her go crazy. And now, she was free. She would turn to this…this cutting, to have relief. Even though Naomi understood this was not the right thing to do, the urge was too great. She had to, or else she would end up risking something far worse, far guiltier, and far more permanent.
As her own blood dripped into the sink, Naomi heard the thing she most dreaded. A car pulling into the driveway, long before it was supposed to. If her mother and brother found out what she was doing, she would be sent away, to a mental hospital. They would never be proud of her, like she so wanted them to be.
And her father would surely never return. But until that happened, Naomi could grasp the thin hope that he would come home. That he would wrap his arms around her once more. That he would kiss her on the forehead again, laugh by her side. That he would walk through that door, smiling, still in love with his wife and children.
Somewhere in her heart, Naomi knew that would never happen, but she still risked the hope. As Emily Dickinson had once written, hope is a thing with feathers. What then would happen if Naomi’s hope lost its wings?
Rushing to bandage herself, she heard the door creak open and her mother shuffle inside the house. After washing the blood, hiding her razor, and throwing on a long-sleeved shirt, Naomi went to greet her family. At the last moment, she pasted a fake smile on her lips, and a convincing aura of glee to hide her inward shame and pain.
“Hey, how was the interview?” Naomi asked, her brother having gone to an interview at the apple electronics store in the mall.
“He got the job!” her mother grinned, hugging her son with pride.
She was stout, and her hair was a beautiful dirty blond that had been passed down to her son, but not Naomi. Naomi had been stuck with her fathers boring as hell brown hair. On the other hand, her brother Damon was tall and handsome, his aura very innocent. He was three years older than Naomi, being nineteen, and on his way to high school graduation and collage. Naomi didn’t know what she would do once he was gone. She praised him like a God, him being the only person she felt she could talk to. Which is why it hurt so bad that Naomi knew she could not tell him the truth.
And as Naomi stood there, she realized, this would be the first secret she would ever keep from the brother she adored. One secret would lead to another, and even though Naomi dreaded what she would become, she knew there was no way she could stop it.

This was a good story, but I feel you could work on your pacing a little bit here.
You don't really have any grammar or spelling issues as such, but you have a lot of opportunity to expand on this. Make us really feel for this character. Make her part of us. That way the reader cares what happens to her.
I love the cliff hanger on the end, but it would be good if you gave us a few more bits of information - otherwise it's hard to get dragged in.
Overall though, good work and keep it up! I especially loved the first paragraph.

hey there

nice story I'm always intrigued by people who have these sort of twin-personalities. i'm doing psychology at school and it's something that has always interested me.

first off, just a couple of mistakes i noticed -

ringing that whispers something is coming

Whispers needs to be whispered, to keep in check with the past tense you've used in the rest of the story.

She was exited when

Just missed out the 'c' here!

her fathers boring as hell brown hair

Fathers needs an apostrophe, like this - father's - because it's her father's hair that you're talking about.

Also, when you write boring as hell, put some dashes in - boring-as-hell. It just helps to string the words together. Because it's a phrase that's being used to describe a single thing, rather than a few adjectives, they need to be hyphenated together!

Finally...

She praised him like a God,

Here, you really need to put god without the capital, simply because you are using the word ‘god’ as a general term. If you were talking about the Christian God, whose name is God, then you would use the capital, because it’s a name.

Other than that, I couldn't really fault it. Your use of language is good - however, I would reccomend being more experimental! Especially with a subject like self-harming, which most people don't know a lot about, having not been through it themselves. Writing is all about having a go and if you don't like it, you can always change it!

Hello.

I suppose to start of, as for the cutting used to dramatize this opening of the scene, I think that how you went about it was a little too forward in a way. You made your character simply go to this form of release and there was no intriguing way she ended up going about she just went about it. To me, this leaves a familiar taste in my mouth. I feel like I've read scenes like this. Only two that I've ever read on this site have been the utmost interesting and original, because it's easy to get lost in the obviousness of the act of cutting. It's easy to assume why someone might cut. What can make a scene like this interesting is lending a whole new kind of insight to the reader. Don't be so simple, and don't describe it in a way that's been done before.

She would turn to this…this cutting, to have relief.

I don't think it's particularly necessary to throw in that she's cutting. I think it's pretty obvious that she is. All the signs in the writing are there. And though it doesn't quite ring as original and a tad bit 'done-before', I wouldn't make it anymore obvious by restating what's already known.

As Emily Dickinson had once written, hope is a thing with feathers. What then would happen if Naomi’s hope lost its wings?

One thing I really did like was this little excerpt here. I love that you're comparing it to something in such a subtle yet endearing sort of way. It gives me some greater respect for the character. Like she's a lot deeper than what the surface of her pain brings. If anything, I wish you might've been a bit more elaborative with this type of emotion. Show more of it. Dress it up with a delicate helplessness that isn't so blunt and plain and easily seen through. Make it interesting to think about.

her brother having gone to an interview at the apple electronics store in the mall.

I think everyone knows the Apple store. xD Saying 'apple electronics store' seems unnatural. Like it's some rare place. And Apple should be capitalized by the way. I would probably just change this to the 'Apple store'. That's what I, and everyone else whom I know, calls it anyway.

He was three years older than Naomi, being nineteen, and on his way to high school graduation and college.

It's college, not collage. A collage is an art project. Also, if he's nineteen, shouldn't he already be graduated from high school? eighteen is usually the cut off age for high school graduates unless they happen to graduate late. And by eighteen they're usually in college by then. Unless of course they decide to take some time off.

Now, as for the way you ended this, it seemed to me a little melodramatic. Not believable enough or as striking to my imagination as I would've hoped for. I really think you could have gone about it in a much smoother way. A much more unique way. For one, this Naomi's family seems so happy and sweet. Just because her father is no longer in the picture, I don't really think that's reason enough for her to be as broken as she is. A lot of people go through splits, and in many cases people move on. Though there is obvious reason for Naomi to feel sad, her family seems to be just fine. Great even. I think this happens to contradict Naomi's misery entirely.

Well, I suppose that's about all the major critique I have for this. I think that you may have pushed the pain of your main character a little outstretched for her situation, but perhaps you could fix this. Maybe show the mother's pain. Make it more predominate. That way Naomi is left shoving and hiding her pain away for a viable enough reason. Then this shows reason to hurt and reason to hide her hurt. If you have the rest of her family this perky little set of people, then Naomi is just going to look like an angsty mess in the end I think.

But anyway, I hope anything I may have mentioned might be of some help to you. If I came off as harsh in any way I sincerely apologize. This obviously wasn't my intention at all. :] I wish you the best of luck with your writing in every way!

-Smylin'