Young Writers Society

The glowing seatbelt light sent chills down my spine. The sharp sensation in my gut fluctuated as I clutched onto the uncomfortable leather seat. I heard the desperate wails of the people around me; struck by the fear that plagued their hearts. The violent shudder of the cabin boards added to the fear. My reflection on the midnight windows was what I thought will be the last image I see of myself.

We were descending into a murky abyss of vagueness. The lights in the cabin flickered due to the electrical pressure; forcing my eyes to sharpen their vision. I didn’t scream but tears began to well up in my eyes. Another eerie sensation meant we were elevating into the air again. Once. Twice. Again; a sharp drop. My back arched due to the sudden change in gravity.

God? Is this what the end feels like?

The plane was in sky-level again. The lights shone at a constant glare once more as the airhostesses came to reassure us that the current event was due to a bad weather on the ground. Even through their plastic smiles I saw fear and uncertainty. My eyes couldn’t contain the tears no more and I let that river flow. Maybe because I was happy I was still alive or… because death was still waiting for me around the corner; smiling at me through the darkness. I quickly switched seats and sat next to my mother, grasping onto her arm like there was no tomorrow; crying like a little child again…

I don’t want to die, mom. I'm not ready, yet.

Seeing me in such traumatic condition, my mother began to tear up as well. Sometimes I wish I could feel that bond again, once more. She put her arms around me and comforted me, speaking words of comfort and words of encouragement. Before I knew it… the seatbelt sign glared at us once again. Signaling disaster. I tried swallowing that lump at the back of my throat, but it was too late. The plane lowered its right wing, making us rise up on the left, taking a sharp decent once again. I clutched onto my mother’s arms again contemplating on the words of God; begging him to give me another chance.

Oh God please, one time. Just one chance and I’ll be good. Please… Save us…

What I thought would be the perfect and most memorable summer of my life, turned out to be the worst, yet…still memorable. It was something etched into my heart. Even now, I can feel that desperate want for living another day. The urge to see the sun set on the horizon. The need to feel love and see the faces of the ones I love. The sorrow of leaving without a goodbye…

I wouldn’t say I’m a person who escaped the fangs of death. I’m only a person who met it and I try to stick to the words it told me:

I am certain. I will come to you when you least expect me. I will not give you a second chance when it is your time. My job is according to my Lord’s verdict. So, prepare for the time we officially meet. Time is ticking away and you’re coming closer to me.

Okay I really liked this.

No, I am not religious - in fact I see religion as the solution to the fear of death a mass of fool's desperately cling to.
However, religious undertones in any good text i find fascinating, and yes in this too.

Starting with what I didn't like, some minor errors in expression:

My eyes couldn’t contain the tears no more and I let that river flow.

Try "No more could my eyes contain..." or "My eyes could no longer contain...". Also, the "that" seems a bit detaching, especially followed by the word river - it just doesn't work. A few other examples someone can be bothered pointing out later seemed slightly jarring to the flow of the piece.

I also didn't like lack of originality - cliches specifically. "Plastic smile", "fangs of death", "etched into my heart", and some others that may be justifiable in the depth of their significance for the persona like "violent shudder" and
"chills down my spine". The idea itself is not original, but kudos for the unique structure and attempt at personal imagery.

Which brings me to the structure of the piece, which I think worked well. The interceding lines, marked by italics, keep me invested in the persona - as much as a piece this short can keep me invested.

The passage at the end does well in driving home that message to the responder - and prior to reading I took the title of the piece literally and was albeit disappointed that it wasn't some science fiction epic about time travel.

So, not a lot of improvement is needed - just keep practicing how you express yourself and maintain that flow of prose.

Keep writing,

J

Hey! I liked this. It was a powerful piece, I liked the way you structured it and it the reactions to a near death situation seem believable. I could really 'feel' your character. Oh, and the vocabulary you used was nice.
Now, onto critiques since if I only gave you praise, well that wouldn't help much at all, would it?

I agree with json. Originality is the key to a piece. Try to avoid cliches. (If you don't know much about them, PM or post on my wall. I have a link that explains it because...well...I'm not sure, actually.) Keep in mind that cliches are not just stereotypes or annoyingly repeated plot lines.

Show, don't tell. The golden (and most annoying) unofficial rule of writing. For example, in the first paragraph:

The glowing seatbelt light sent chills down my spine. The sharp sensation in my gut fluctuated as I clutched onto the uncomfortable leather seat. Here, you could just insinuate towards the character clutching the seat instead of stating it. Don't know what I'm talking about? Clutch a seat, any seat. What do you feel? Your knuckles tightening (It almost hurts, sometimes), the feeling of the letter, etc.I heard the desperate wails of the people around me; struck by the fear that plagued their hearts. I like this: struck by the fear that plagued their hearts. Only problem is, what exactly is happening? I'm not quite sure. The violent shudder of the cabin boards added to the fear. I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'cabin boards.' My reflection on the midnight windows was what I thought will be the last image I see of myself. Here would be a great place to add some description...even if it's a bit cliche.

And some parts that confused me....

My back arched due to the sudden change in gravity.

One, thank you. This line (and the paragraph it was in) helped add to the situation. I'm assuming the character is on the plane? And second: Your back arched? I don't know...maybe your back does arch, but wouldn't the seatbelt prevent that? A good replacement would be ears popping.

The lights shone at a constant glare once more as the airhostesses came to reassure us that the current event was due to a bad weather on the ground.

Airhostesses? Would flight attendants be a better word?

My eyes couldn’t contain the tears no more and I let that river flow. Maybe

Well, json covered this already. But anyway, another suggestion: anymore instead of no more. No more doesn't flow right there.

Seeing me in such traumatic condition, my mother began to tear up as well.

'Traumatic' doesn't seem like the right word. Try using onelook.com's reverse dictionary, it's really useful when you can't think of that exact word.

What I thought would be the perfect and most memorable summer of my life, turned out to be the worst, yet…still memorable.

I don't like "...still memorable." This is because its repetitive. Maybe you could increase the irony you show here. Like: What I thought would be the *most* perfect and memorable summer of my life turned out to be the worst. A half hysterical laugh came out of my throat; it certainly would be the most memorable, if not my last. Think along these lines.

I wouldn’t say I’m a person who escaped the fangs of death. I’m only a person who met it and I try to stick to the words it told me...

I'm sort of confused about what happened. Maybe you can mention the plane uprighting, or something? It was a sudden, slapped on ending to me. I liked the quote very much though, keep that in.

Hope I helped! And feel free to PM or post on my wall if you have any questions
-Vela