Young Writers Society

This stuff is written for a high school short story class, and it's due tomorrow. Stuff like "ur whole story sux, rewrite it" isn't quite constructive. I'm looking for comments closer to "That line didn't make sense; what do you mean here?" or "This phrasing is quite awkward," or "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means," or worst (which means you REALLY have to point it out), "This action isn't believable."
Catching errors in mechanics, grammar, and spelling would be helpful too.


Liam didn’t recognize anything. The lockers gave him no clues, and the halls told even less. Was it a wrong turn or a was it a forgotten corridor? He didn’t know for sure. Someone else might know.
"Excuse me, ah, do you know where Room 310 is?" asked Liam.
"Room 310? I'm going there, actually," she said.
Liam was relieved. "Oh, cool. Thanks, this is my first day here, so I'm a little lost with all the rooms."
"Cool!" she said, "I'm new here too. My name's Angela."
"Nice to meet you, ah, my name's Liam."
"Have you heard anything about Mrs. Phillips from other students? I don't know what to think of her."
"Uh, no, sorry, I haven't talked to anyone."
"I came from an all-girls school. I'd like to think the teachers there were more difficult than those here. That way I'll at least have a break."
"Oh, where did you live?"
"Up in Aurora. It's up near Chicago," she explained.
He said, "I'm from Ohio."
"Where in Ohio?"
"Dayton."
"Oh, OK."
The duo entered Room 310. Angela picked the far side of an empty table, and Liam sat down next to her.
"Hey, Angela! I didn't know you were in my class." The girl in front of Liam had said this.
"Hi, Kelly! Hey, this is Liam, he's new here too."
Kelly said, "Hi, Liam. My name's Kelly."
"I'm Liam Stanwick, nice to meet you."
"Cool, so do you–"
The bell rang. Mrs. Phillips began speaking.



The three of them sat around the lunch table: Angela, Liam, and Ernie.
Ernie asked, "So how was your first day and a half? For both of you, I guess."
Angela spoke first. "Good. It was pretty cool I met Liam.”
"Yeah, I mean, what are the odds of that. It's pretty cool," said Liam.
She continued, "I've met a few other people. Kelly, and Cora, and you."
Ernie said, "The Back-to-School dance is on Saturday. I think both of you should go. You'd get to meet a bunch of people, get acquainted. I think it'd be a good thing. It's usually the best dance of the year, and you don't have to ask or be asked to the dance."
“Oh, is that what they were announcing earlier today? I was wondering about that,” said Angela. “I think I’d like to go.”
Liam asked, “When is that? And how formal is it?”
“It’s Saturday at eight or so,” said Ernie. “You’d be fine in whatever; I usually wear a polo shirt and khaki shorts.”
A big guy came up behind Ernie and scratched his knuckles on Ernie’s head.
Ernie ducked and shifted to the side, but the knuckles followed. “Dammit, Dennis, stop it!”
Dennis laughed. “I see you’re helping the newbies out with your advice. How ya doin’, newbies? My name’s Dennis. What’re your names?
“She’s Angela, and he’s Liam.”
Dennis looked at Ernie. “Oh, and you’re so nice that you don’t let them introduce themselves. So, what’re your names?”
“My name’s Angela.”
“Uh, and I’m Liam.”
Dennis continued, “That’s better. Now go and continue with being a tour guide, Ernie.” He left the three.
“Jerk,” Ernie muttered. “I don’t know why he finds me fun to torture, but he does it anyways. And it’s even worse that he’s actually funny sometimes. Don’t pay attention to him, he’s just messing with you.”
Liam said, “He didn’t seem too mean to me. I mean, newbie? That’s not much of an insult.”
“He wasn’t being a jerk to you, he was being a jerk to me. I don’t know why,” Ernie said.
“Oh, well OK, I guess I see where you’re coming from,” said Liam.
“I mean, it’s nothing like the physical bullying or name-calling or anything, that’s too stereotypical and old. He’s just making me look bad. Like he’s shining the spotlight on me to watch me cringe. Dammit,” – Ernie pounded the table for emphasis – “why does he do that?”
They sat in a momentary silence that had to result in a topic change.
Ernie began, “And I’ve got an art project to do, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know why I took that class. I enjoyed my first art class, but now it’s down to only the people who take art seriously. They’re actually good. I can’t do the work well enough.”
Angela said “I’m sure you’ll do fine, you did pick to take the class. I think you’ll like it.”
Ernie continued, “I don’t know, I took the class because I like drawing, not that I’m good at it. And I’m usually good at it when I’m enjoying it, and vice versa, but it’s when my mind is fried that it’s bad. I just get dull, I have to push myself to do it, then I don’t do well, then I have to push myself harder, and it just gets worse and worse and worse. And I don’t have the time to, ya know, go all-out on it, with my job and everything else I do.
Ernie added, “Augh, I’m just a little irritated and I needed to get it out. Sorry if I annoyed you or anything, don’t mind me.”
The bell rang to signal the end of the lunch break. Ernie and Maddie got up to return to class.
“Hey, Ernie, wait up a second. I want to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, Liam, what’s up?”
Liam took a breath and tried to begin. “Ah, well, I – I guess, ah, I’m just having trouble getting to know people. Like, I know you and Angela, but other than that people, like, don’t even remember me. It’s just odd, like I’m invisible or something. I guess I just need to talk to people more. It’s just… I don’t know.”
Ernie said, “Don’t worry yourself over it, man, you’ll get to know people. Don’t forget the dance, I really think you should go to it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m serious. Don’t worry about it.”



Ernie walked into the art room. The classroom emanated the creative feel he loved. The walls were covered with assorted art projects, some finished, some unfinished. Sketches and charcoal and paintings and sculptures – there were all of them. He didn’t worry. He felt it was a good time; he knew he would work well. Whatever he happened to do, it would come out better than he had hoped.
He was charged.
Ernie popped one earbud into his left ear, then one in his right. He had gathered the supplies he needed, it was now time to draw. He scratched the pencil on the paper, but he felt it more than heard it. His music, he hoped, would inspire him.
“Hey, that’s pretty good,” someone quipped. Ernie smiled.



Liam saw Ernie weaving through the crowd. He called over to him.
Ernie came within earshot. “Hey, I’m glad to see you made it, Liam.”
Liam laughed. “I’m glad you’re here. Have you seen Angela?”
“No, I haven’t. She’ll get here sooner or later, though.”
Angela did come, and the three of them found Kelly and a few more friends. They danced. The music moved them – it was loud and it sucked them in. The lights glowed, glittered, and glistened. The crowd, the air, the music – it produced an atmosphere.
Dennis started grinding on Angela. Liam lunged for Dennis – this was just outrageous. Liam pushed Dennis with all his minor strength.
“Hey man, I was just kidding, relax.”
“That’s bullshit.” Liam pushed him again. The students nearby started to look in their direction.
Dennis floored him. Liam was surprised at how fast the chaperones intervened.

I could see where the plot of the story was going, but I thought it moved a little slow. The dialogue was actually very thorough, which I liked very much. However, it probably was the lack of character description that caused me to stop reading and actually look for the character descriptions to see if I had missed it.

"Excuse me, ah, do you know where Room 310 is?" asked Liam.
"Room 310? I'm going there, actually," she said.

It was here that I wondered how Liam had seen her in the hallway or what his first impression was of her. Of course, not all characters explain in detail how someone dresses, the way they cock their head, or the distinction of their facial features, but I always like to imagine the scenery play out inside my head. So, i guess the absence of it was very odd for me.

“She’s Angela, and he’s Liam.”
Dennis looked at Ernie. “Oh, and you’re so nice that you don’t let them introduce themselves. So, what’re your names?”
“My name’s Angela.”
“Uh, and I’m Liam.”

This made me put my hand under my chin and stare for a moment. Like I said, I LOVE that you have dialogue a lot in your short story, but every now and then, if you put in a descriptive movement, it might bring the scene a little more to life. Instead of putting Dennis looked at Ernie. Add an adjective and maybe put, Dennis looked mockingly at Ernie to make it more...three dimensional? That might not be the exact word to describe it, but it's as close as I'll probably get.

But these are only suggestions. Your structuring was pretty well constructed.
I enjoyed reading the story; if a sequel were to go up, you can count on me reading it! Keep up the good work. :]

Nitpicks:

1.

"Room 310? I'm going there, actually," she said.

Liam was relieved. "Oh, cool. Thanks, this is my first day here, so I'm a little lost with all the rooms."

The stuff in red should be on the same line as 'she said.'

2.

"Up in Aurora. It's up near Chicago," she explained.

He said, "I'm from Ohio."

The stuff in red is the same problem. (After this I won't point that out again.) I also think you don't really need to say 'He said' for some reason it just doesn't seem to flow smoothly with the dialogue in this instance. I've highlighted how the girl says 'up' in one sentence after another because it sounds a bit awkward. Taking out the second 'up' would fix that.

3.

"Hey, Angela! I didn't know you were in my class." The girl in front of Liam had said this.

The stuff in red just sounds a bit odd. If I am thinking right you've also changed tenses when you say 'had said.' from the present 'she explained'. I think it could be phrased better: "The girl in front of Liam said.

4.

“Jerk,” Ernie muttered. “I don’t know why he finds me fun to torture, but he does it anyways. And it’s even worse that he’s actually funny sometimes. Don’t pay attention to him, he’s just messing with you.”

The stuff in read doesn't really make sense to me. It doesn't matter if Ernie doesn't know why the boy finds it fun to torture him they boy wouldn't care so I'm wondering why you say 'but he does it anyways'.

5. One thing I noticed throughout this whole piece is that you start your sentences with 'and'. In all the cases I noticed it should have been just a comma instead of a period and a capitalized 'and'. Just take note that starting a sentence with 'and' is not correct. If this is for school you should probably change that.

6.

“I don’t know why he finds me fun to torture, but he does it anyways. And it’s even worse that he’s actually funny sometimes. Don’t pay attention to him, he’s just messing with you.”

I think you may have missed some sort of punctuation around the Area of the red.

7.

Ernie began, “And I’ve got an art project to do, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know why I took that class. I enjoyed my first art class, but now it’s down to only the people who take art seriously. They’re actually good. I can’t do the work well enough.”

Angela said “I’m sure you’ll do fine, you did pick to take the class. I think you’ll like it.”

The sentence in red doesn't make sense when the sentence blue implies that he has already had the art class for at least a few days and he doesn't like it already.

8.

He scratched the pencil on the paper, but he felt it more than heard it.

Just before this you said he was listening to music through his headphones; I doubt he would be hearing the pencil on paper at all.

Alright so now that I've gotten those over with I can get to the actual review. So I do like this, and I know it can be super hard to get inspiration when your writing something for school, but I feel like you need a bit more emotion in this. To get emotion we have to be able to relate to your characters. Your main character is Liam right? Well show what he is feeling, thinking, observing. Make sure that when you add in these details you are showing us not telling us.

Here is an example of a sentence tells:

Alex is so smart. I wish I could be like him.

Here is an example of showing:

Alex is in honors English, Math, and Social Studies; he gets A's in all of his classes, and he is a tutor for younger kids. I wish I could be like him.

Do you get what I mean?

Another problem I think you have is plot. I think you have an idea of what you wanted to happen, but you really need to lengthen this to be able to get it in. Right now I think you have a lot of plot ideas that you aren't following through on. For example: Ernie being bullied. Ernie being bullied could be your plot, but right now it is just taking away from your plot because that issue isn't resolved by the end of the short story. You need to read over this and ask yourself if every piece of information is needed to complete the story. You need to narrow your topic down.

Hope I helped,

Calli <3

P.S. Feel free to P.M. me if you want another review post haste or you have any questions.