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Without You



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Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:59 am
Bhayden71297 says...



(I really would like help with the tense of this piece. i want it in present tense, and would like help pointing out where I need to change it to that! Oh, and whatever else comes to your mind :) Thanks- Brie<3)

Even as I scream her name the heap of flesh and bone on the ground ahead doesn’t move, nor make a sound in return. And the closer I get, the lower my hopes of finding her okay plummet. Besides her, I finally stop, then gasp at the morbid sight.

Blond hair tangled, spattered with blood, curls around her face like a lion’s mane, dirty and ruff after catching its prey. Her eyes scream for help, crying for savior, as pale lips pull back revealing a tongue, twisted with answers that can’t be spoken.

“Sarah,” I cry, gripping her face in my hands as I fall to my knees.

Crimson palms cup my own cheeks feebly, and I look down. The center of her chest is torn apart. A gaping hole leaves everything to be seen, and I have no time to dwell on the fact that something isn’t right, that something is missing. I’m too busy trying to keep my sister alive.

My jacket pressed to her chest, I try to stop the bleeding, knowing its useless and that there’s just too much. Tears slip down my face as I yell at her.

“Don’t leave me! Don’t you dare leave this world!”

Her lids flutter, and the silent cries within become distant. Depths of blue that used to speak loud and ripple with laughter are as still as the midnight lake. The only thing left is the dull light of the moon, which will soon fade behind looming clouds.

Face still controlled in pain, her mouth moves. I continue to hold the jacket soaked in her blood and lean closer in. Tears drip from my face mixing with the red on hers. Only a faint whisper is spoken.

“He was here…the one who did this…is not the one you expect…he is…”

Then her eyes close, and her voice trails off. I throw my arms around her and hug tightly, hoping the life won’t be able to drift if I’m keep the body covered. “Oh Sarah, please. This can’t be…this can’t happen.”

Her raspy breathing stops and her head lolls to the side.

I don’t hear his steps coming at me, only his voice as he nears.

“Brienna,” he says, voice light, but rushed. “We need to get out of here.”

Lifting my face from Sarah’s chest, I look into his eyes. “I’m not leaving her Liam. I can’t…I won’t.” I grip the 8 year old tighter in my arms, and bury my face once more.

A hand grips my arm, but I continue to hold her. The body in my arms once breathed, once laughed, once smiled. Maybe if I ran faster, maybe if I tried harder to stop the bleeding, it would still be able to do so.

The tug on my arm was strong enough to pull me loose. “If we don’t get out of here now, we’ll end up just like her.”

I yank my arm out of his hand and start back towards her body again. Liam’s quicker, and uses his strength against me. Grabbing both my arms, he drags me backwards. Half-hearted I try to escape. Twisting and squirming, he throws me up over his shoulder. I scream, pound on his back with my bloody fists and he doesn’t flinch.

When he turns to leave I catch a glimpse of his face. Carved out of stone, there isn’t one trace of emotion. If he was angry, it didn’t show. If he was upset, not a single tear fell.

She was gone and we were just walking away from her. He says someone did this to her and will do this to us though. I know it is for the better, but as Sarah’s body distances, I wonder how we’ll go on without her.
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley
  





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Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:16 am
briggsy1996 says...



Hi there Brie! :)
So, many things came to my mind as I was reading this, the first being:
I think you did really well with putting your story in present tense- nothing seemed out of whack to me.
Onto the story itself: Wow! Oh my goodness, this is good. You've described everything with excellent imagery and I- as the reader- could really feel for Brienna, with the way you've written this. Yet... as the story comes to an end, I still have many questions regarding what exactly is taking place- a lot is left a mystery in my mind, but in a good way- if that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is it left me hungry for more! This is a short story right? Not a figment of a much larger story? Because if there is more, I'd love to read it!
Anyway, spelling and grammar appears to be in check!
I really loved this, and I admire your writing style!
Keep Writing :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings
  





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Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:21 pm
Mars says...



Hi Brie!

The only part where the tense was off that I could find is this one:
The tug on my arm is strong enough to pull me loose.
\

Otherwise, this piece is lovely! But I wanted more description of the setting. You did such a good job describing Sarah but it was still difficult to picture Sarah and her sister and Liam because I had no idea where they were. The other thing was when you mentioned that she was eight years old; first of all, I assumed she was older because what she was saying sounded older (and cryptic) and secondly it was weirdly specific. Why not just mention that she's a little girl, or say 'I hold her small body' or something like that? :)

As Briggsy said, I want more! It feels like it might be a start to something longer.
Hope this helps
Carrie
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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