Young Writers Society

“Please help my mom.” I cried
“Oh Dear! Not again. I’ll go there Raven. Stay here sweety.” Mrs Reed said to me.


I was at her door and then she pushed me inside. It was in the morning when I was getting ready for the school. I heard few noises and then a smash and boom from the adjacent room. Dad was again hitting mommy very badly with his belt.
“No daddy.” I cried.
“Get out.” My dad instructed me.
Suddenly my mom fell on the floor, I ran towards her and found a stream of blood flowing from her nose.
“Mommy!! Mommy?????” I keep calling her but she didn’t replied.
My dad bends towards me and grabbed my hair.
“Raven, get out or I’ll kick your ass. You are only 5 and don’t know how to obey your father. You are just like your mother, she ruined you.”
“Daddy, my hair. Its hurting me.”
“GET OUT OR I’LL BEAT YOU WITH THIS BELT. GOT IT LITTLE DEMON?”
He left my hair and I started running towards the main door. I was afraid and scared. Scared by my own father. His eyes were red and he was very angry. He don’t behave like this with his friends. Even our relatives consider him as one of the best and cheerful man. I don’t know why he hates us, my mommy and I. I went outside and sat beside our car where no one can see me. I started crying when I saw Mrs Reeds dog was barking and it struck to my mind that she can help my mommy. She isn’t afraid of my dad not even with his belt and that stick.


“Oh sweety, eat something.” Mrs Reed said to me.
“No, where is mommy? Please take me to her. Please, please.”
“Raven, dear, she is in the hospital. She needs rest. So, be a good girl and let her sleep for a while.”
“I’m a good girl.”
“Yes, you are.”


After a month, I was taken to the cemetery instead of the hospital. Mrs Reed told me that she is an Angel now and looking from heaven above at me. Though I liked Angels but still not able to see her, really annoyed me.

Wow...the pain and emotion in this story is really there. This was a very dark piece, but you portrayed it well, and I feel sorry for the little girl. I know a lot of people who came from abusive situations, and this captures the fear of it perfectly. I don't know what to say here, because "Well done" for describing a bad situation just feels....wierd. Still, a powerful piece. I like how you gave the innocence of the little girl, how she doesn't understand what's going on. And that last line.

Though I liked Angels but still not able to see her, really annoyed me.

That was great. It captured the precociousness of a little girl perfectly.

Hi there.

So I read your story, and I think that although you chose a very striking topic to write about, you may not have projected the issue as realistically or emotionally as I might have liked to've seen. As I read through, it seemed a lot like a forced scene. There was nothing unique about the situation, not that I'm meaning to sound insensitive when I say this. I think had you put a little more thought into the situation of what was to be going on in this scene and the outcome of it all, you might have had a much better story strength wise. It could have been original and so much more emotional I think.

I found there to be a lot of issues with the dialogue here. It seemed a bit stiff. By stiff I mean, you had a tendency to just write out the words mechanically. You weren't feeling the character's voices as you were writing their voices. I think conjunctions help the spoken word project in a more realistic way greatly. So instead of writing something like, "You are only 5 and don’t know how to obey your father. You are just like your mother, she ruined you,” write something more so along the lines of "You're only five and don't know how to obey your own father! You're just like your mother --she ruined you!" There's much more emotion when it's read off with the slight tweaks.

As a story in itself, I can appreciate the effort and the longing to write something so touching. Topics like these can either make you or break you, and in my opinion I think you could probably use a bit more practice in projecting such thick emotion. You want to maintain a certain level of realistic potency that you might recognize in an actual scene similar to this. That's where you'll draw in your readers, that's the goal you want to aim for. :]

I had quite a few nitpicky things that I also wanted to point out to you here real quick like:

“Please help my mom(,)” I cried(.)

“Oh Dear! Not again. I’ll go there(,) Raven. Stay here(,) sweety(,)” Mrs(.) Reed said to me.

I see you have a few of these instances where you place the period at the end of the quote when the sentence has yet to continue. There should be a comma. Now that I've pointed that out generally I'll leave it up to you to correct the rest. ;]

It was in the morning when I was getting ready for the school.

Suddenly my mom fell on the floor(.) I ran towards her and found a stream of blood flowing from her nose.

“Mommy!! Mommy?????” I kept calling her but she didn’t repl(y).

There's no need for the multiple exclamation here. Limit this to one question mark and one exclamation mark, it's proper punctuation. Right here you also had too many varying tenses: 'keep', 'didn't', 'replied'. They don't match up. Be wary of things like that. This might also sound better if you replaced the word 'didn't' with 'wouldn't'.

My dad bent towards me and grabbed my hair.

Again with the tense here, but I won't point it out again. I'll go ahead and let you sift through them.

You are only 5 five and don’t know how to obey your father.

“Daddy, my hair. Its hurting me.”

I feel like there should be some defined exclamation here.

I started crying when I saw Mrs(.) Reed(')s dog was barking(,) and it struck to my mind that she could help my mommy.

You may want to be a little more mindful of where you should be placing periods and commas appropriately.

Though I liked angels(,) but still not [being] able to see her, really annoyed me.

I think that about wraps things up here. At least for my review. I hope you'll understand that my intention wasn't to discourage you with any criticism I may have given you, I really hope anything I might have said may be of great help. :] Good luck with your writing!

-Smylin'

Hi there!

Wow, this is a really great piece! I can really feel the emotion in this. You did a great job really describing this situation and really digging deep into the little girl's mind. A five year old really wouldn't understand any of this and you did a good job portraying that. I really like the part where you described how her father looked. It even scared me a little! Overall your content is amazing, but there are some grammer errors that I wanted to mention:

Dad was again hitting mommy very badly with his belt.

This sentence sounds awkward. You should take these same words and simply rearrange them into a different sentence like: "Dad was hitting Mommy very badly with his belt; again." See, the words flow together better.

My dad bends towards me and grabbed my hair

You started this sentence out in present tense, but ended it in past tense. Say: "My dad bent towards me and grabbed my hair."

“Raven, get out or I’ll kick your ass. You are only 5 and don’t know how to obey your father. You are just like your mother, she ruined you.”

“Daddy, my hair. Its hurting me.”

“GET OUT OR I’LL BEAT YOU WITH THIS BELT. GOT IT LITTLE DEMON?”

In these three sets of dialouge, I don't see one exclaimation point. Isn't this basically a shouting match? I think you should add a few exclaimation points in there to really show how intense this is.

I suggest that you read over this again and simply look for grammer mistakes. I think there may be a few more than what I mentioned, but you should be able to notice them.

Like I said before, I really like this! Keep writing!