Young Writers Society

Why weren't my legs walking? I mewed unhappily, answered by no one. Where were they all? The plain looked so empty without them- high, white clouds, a prairie dog burrow...

I sat, looking at my front paws. They were fine; I was what what Mother called "healthy." But where was she? I mewed again, and thought I heard an answer. Could that be Daren?

"Hey, there you are, Jinks!" He skidded to a stop. "We were all worried; are you all right?"

I mumbled, "Guess so."

He sniffed me from nose to tail. "You smell all right. Come on, the others are waiting." I followed a few steps behind, feeling that odd twinge again. It wasn't in my paws or legs.

Mother fussed over me, of course. She warned me that a fox or badger could easily kill a stray kitten, so I should stick close. The whole time I wanted to say, I'm trying.

Daren twitched his nose, saying silently, I'll look out for you. I nodded ever so slightly.


Safe in our den, I lay stretched out in a tiny clear space. The twinge was gone for now.

"You're it!" A paw poked my side, then Eterni jumped away. I sighed.

"Can I stay out this time? I need to think. Sorry." She backed away, not seeming disappointed.

Closing my eyes, I tried to think of where exactly the feeling came from. Was it here... no. Maybe there. I opened my eyes.

"Are you feeling well, Jinks?" Mother's eyes somehow managed to show everything she thought.

"What's right here?" I pointed to the spot with my muzzle.

She smiled. "That's your heart, dear."

My heart. That was the problem. I thanked her, then went back to thinking.

Stori.

This. Is. So. CUTE. But I musn't get into how cute it is now. I'd be too caught up and would hardly get to reviewing the actual work itself. So, with that in mind the first thing I'd like to point out, as it was the one thing that bothered me most, this was really very short. I see that it's the first chapter of a story, and yet I wish it would have been longer. You just sort of started out in one place and then trailed off too quickly into the ending of a scene. Where was the pacing?

Aside from that though, I love the approach you've taken to writing this story. It's not in the typical point of view of a human being. You've taken on the main character of a kitten. Which is adorable, and I can't help but go d'aww! every time I think about it. But like I said before, this was really rather short, therefore you didn't give much room to stabilize a nice sturdy beginning to your story. This simply seems like a short scene, and I have very little to go off of as far as the setting of this and the other characters and their personalities.

I think that you've done a nice job in creating an indifferent personality for this Jinks character. He seems cute, like a baby tiger trying to be fierce except for the fact that it's a little kitten trying to be mindful and think. And it was cute how he was wondering what the beating in his chest was. Though it seems a bit vague, how you described it as a twinge. I couldn't tell whether this was the beginning of a suggestion that the kitten might be sick with a heart condition or if he was just being odd. I wished you would have been a tad bit more explanative with this here.

Other than these little things that I've mentioned, I think you've done a really cute job with this here. I look forward to seeing it evolve into a bigger story. It makes me curious of the title and all. I hope you'll take into account what I've said about the length and all. I think you could probably thicken this up a bit to make a little it better.

-Smylin'

Hey Stori!

I like the perspective, but I have to say that it feels like there is something missing. It seems too short. Right now, we don't really see a plot that is very apparent, except this is a newborn kitten who has to stay close to its mama. What else is going on? Is something more significant going to happen? Give us more of a picture, and it'll be much better!