Young Writers Society

Here's a short story I wrote in Middle School. It was an assignment, and I figured I'd share it with you
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I sat down on the bus, relieved that school was over. My best friend, Lynn, sat down next to me and smiled.
"Did you hear the rumor that's going around?" she asked as the bus pulled away from the school. I shook my head.
"Well, this girl in my science class said that if you go to Becket Park at 12:00 midnight and pick an apple off a tree you'll disappear forever!"
I rolled my eyes. "Who's the girl who told you?"
"Her name is Melanie," Lynn answered.
The bus screeched to a stop and four younger kids hopped off laughing and smiling.
"Oh, I know her. She's strange. She's probably lying," I responded sticking bubble gum into my mouth.
"I don't know," she said, "But the whole school has been talking about it. Everyone wants to try it."
"Why don't we?!?" I asked excitedly.
"No," she said. "Becket Park is right next to a cemetery. Who knows what'll happen!"
I didn't answer. We sat in silence for a few minutes, as the bus rambled along the bumpy road.
"Are you going to try it?" Lynn asked suddenly.
"Yes. But not tonight."
Lynn nodded and got off quickly at her bus stop.
The next day at school I sat down next to Lynn at lunch in the cafeteria.
"I invited Melanie to sit with us so she could tell us more about the rumor," Lynn said taking a bite of pizza.
"Okay, oh look, here she comes."
Melanie walked toward our table grinning, "Hi guys!" she said, sitting down.
Lynn and I both responded with a hi and a shy smile.
"So, have you guys heard the new news yet?" Melanie asked. We shook our heads.
"Well," Melanie continued, "You know Kristy? She was visiting Becket Park last night to see if the rumor was real and..." Melanie whispered the rest, "she hasn't been seen since!"
Lynn gasped, "You're kidding, right?"
"No," said Melanie.
"Wow," I breathed.
"Are any of you going to try it?" Melanie asked. Lynn shook her head and I nodded. Melanie looked surprised that I was going to.
"When?" she questioned.
"Tonight," I answered.
"Well be careful, Stella." Then she left.
Lynn turned to me, "Stella, I don't think you should."
"Why not? It's just some stupid hoax someone started to try and scare everyone. It'll be alright. Kristy is probably just home from school sick today, that's all."
We ate the rest of our lunches in silence.
I rode home on the bus alone, because Lynn was at volleyball try-outs. I contemplated my adventure that would occur later on that night. I'd have to find a way to sneak out without my parents knowing. Hmm. I shivered at the thought of a little girl, wandering into Becket park alone. Stealing an apple from a tree at midnight and vanishing forever. That's what could happen to me tonight.
The bus pulled up to my stop and I grabbed my book bag and walked down the steps. Slowly I walked home, as a quiet breeze rustled my hair. After dinner I went upstairs to my room and started to read a book when I felt very sleepy. The next thing I knew my eyes flew open to the sound of my alarm clock. It blinked 11:30 in big red blocky letters. I realized I only had a few minutes to get to the park before I disappeared forever...maybe. A fleece blanket rested neatly on my legs which my mother must've put there while I slept. I pulled it off and realized that I was in my school clothes still. Good, that would leave me enough time to scoff down some food, which my stomach was screaming for, before I left.
I stepped into the park. A swing's chains creaked from the wind. In the distance I heard a cat screech as if facing some unseen enemy. I looked at my watch. 11:57. My head suddenly jerked up. I stared into the darkness in front of me. I heard the crunching of leaves and responded with a flick of my flashlight. Only, it wasn't there. My flashlight was gone! I must've dropped it on my way!
"Stella?"
"Who's there?" I quivered.
"Hi, It's me Claire," The girl said stepping out of the shadows. Claire was in my homeroom.
"Oh hi, what are doing here?"
"I'm here to see if the rumor is true. What about you?"
"Ditto."
"Cool! Well it's almost 12:00 so I should go find a tree now."
"Uh, yeah me too."
She waved and disappeared into the darkness. I looked at my watch again. 11:59. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins. I staggered my way to the closest tree and slumped against its trunk. I took a deep breath. 12:00. I reached up squinting my eyes and felt around the tree until my hand touched a round solid object. An apple. I plucked the apple from the tree and boy did I run. I stuffed the apple in my pocket and suddenly I stepped on something that cracked. I guessed that it was my flashlight that I had dropped earlier. When I got home I jumped into my bed and smiled. The rumor was fake. Just like I thought, it was all a hoax.
I was on the bus going to school the next morning. Lynn got on at the stop after mine and plowed into my seat.
"Stella! Oh my gosh, you're here! Did you go last night? What happened?"
"I know! Isn't it great!? It was all a hoax!"
"It was?" Lynn asked. "Good, I knew it was going to be."
"Yeah me too!" I answered.
During homeroom later that day I noticed that Claire's seat was empty.
"Listen up, class!" The teacher announced, "Claire Stonewood went missing last night do to an unfamiliar cause. Oh, that's right, something about apple picking at midnight. The police reported this morning on the news that all they had found was her flashlight and a newly fallen apple."
The class gasped.
"That's why," she continued, "the police have blocked all access to Becket Park due to all the disappearances."
The bell signaling first period rang and the class ran out into the hall whispering to each other.
"I thought you said it was a hoax!?" Lynn hissed.
"Well I thought it was!" I answered.
Lynn shook her head and hurried down the hall. If Claire went missing because she picked an apple at midnight, then... I stopped my thoughts and remembered the apple in my pocket. I slowly reached into my sweatshirt and pulled the apple out. I looked down, unwrapping my fingers one by one, only to discover.......it was actually a pear.

The bus screeched to a stop and four younger kids hopped off laughing and smiling.

This is all happening much too fast. They only just pulled away from the school, people would not be getting off the bus already. If they were, there would be no point in taking the bus at all.

"Why don't we?!?" I think one question mark would be fine. I asked excitedly.

"No," she said. "Becket Park is right next to a cemetery. Who knows what'll happen!"

Interesting that she's afraid of being next to a cemetery, but she's willing to pick an apple and disappear forever.

Lynn gasped, (period) "You're kidding, right?"

"Tonight," I answered.

I shivered at the thought of a little girl, wandering into Becket park alone, stealing an apple from a tree at midnight and vanishing forever.

Slowly I walked home I walked home slowly as a quiet breeze rustled my hair.

After dinner, I went upstairs to my room and started to read a book when I felt very sleepy.

I don't like this. It's written awkwardly, and I wouldn't suggest using the word 'sleepy'.
You're filling us with pointless information - it doesn't make a difference whether you tell us about her getting off the bus and walking home. It adds nothing to your story.
Something I'm not quite understanding is the reason she wants to try 'disappearing forever'. She doesn't believe in it, so why would she bother? I think it would make more sense if she told her friends that it was a myth, and then they dared her to prove it. You know?

The next thing I knew my eyes flew open to the sound of my alarm clock. It blinked 11:30 in big red blocky letters.

I'm confused as to why she would have her alarm set for this time. Certainly this isn't what time she gets up for school. To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's 11am or 11pm.

A swing's If there is more than one swing, it would be " swings' " chains creaked from in the wind.

In the distance, I heard a cat screech as if facing some unseen enemy.

A cat screeching at night is rather cliche, don't you think?

heard the crunching of leaves and responded with a flick of my flashlight. Only, it wasn't there. My flashlight was gone!

She cannot respond with the flick of her flashlight if she doesn't have it. I would say something along the lines of: "...of leaves and reached for my flashlight."

"Hi,(period) It's me(comma) Claire," the ("The" shouldn't be capitalized here) girl said, stepping out of the shadows.

"Cool! Well it's almost 12:00 so I should go find a tree now."

"Uh, yeah me too."

I find it odd that they didn't want to try it together.

I reached up, squinting my eyes, and felt around the tree until my hand touched a round solid object.

"Claire Stonewood went missing last night do due to an unfamiliar cause.

"Well I thought it was!" I answered.

I looked down, unwrapping my fingers one by one, only to discover.......it was actually a pear.

I'm not sure if you were going for a haunting effect here, but this made me laugh.

Alright, there were many things in this story that irked me. In the last paragraph, when she reaches into her sweatshirt and finds the pear - may I say, what? Does she always wear that sweatshirt? Also, more likely than not, she would have looked at the 'apple' before she went to school, she wouldn't have just left it in her pocket as she slept.
Another thing - why are there so many fruit trees at this park? This seems highly unlikely. Do they have orange trees and banana trees too?
Overall, I liked the ending (mostly because it made me laugh), but the whole story seemed a bit unrealistic. Not the rumour itself, but how the girls treated it. The writing was mediocre, it could have been better - more detailed, less bland word choice.
I do hope this helped! Have a good day.

Hahaha. The ending is pretty funny! The pear bit made me smile. Whoops, right?

Anyway! Just a couple of comments.

First of all, apples and pears are ripe at different times of the year. So, they would essentially picking unripe apples. A bit strange!

Second of all... I think you need to set up the urban legend a little better. Right now, it seems a bit rushed through. Exaggerate it a lot more. Add all these crazy details to the stories that they tell each other. Make it seem far-fetched... but possibly true. Basically? Make it crazy-awesome. When you do this, this will seem so much better.