Young Writers Society

Hey Rememberme,

Start off with a few errors:

LIke Like you did the morning of you're death, like you did every morning.

You looked like a porcelain porcelain doll, so beautiful and delicant delicate?.

Day twentey twenty

Sometimes he runs to you're room, and when he sees you're not there he cry. cries.

As for the dairy, I liked it. Although it started out sounding like an adult writing this. ( Or teenager) Then ended sounding like a child.

You did catch my eye though.

Good Job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

You're Your scent lingers all around me. I wish you would envelope me. Please. I'd give it al all to feel you near me again. I'd give it all for another smile.

You're Your fingers were/are? barely resting against me, as you lay soundly in you're your (or just omit the your altogether) sleep. LIke Like (you accidentally capitalized the 'I' you did the morning of you're your death, like you did every morning.

I miss you. Daddy's not the same. He lays in bed all the time, and at night I hear him call out you're your name.

And I just hold on to you're your night gown and cry too.

This was quite intriguing. I'm going to guess the character is a child who's just lost his or her mother? Either way, it will be interesting to see what you write next (if you continue this?). I liked the descriptions of the stages the person has reached so far - okay, maybe s/he's only really been through a stage or two of grief, but it still works out well in your writing. I particularly liked 'Day One.'

Good job. c: Your main problems are just 'your' versus 'you're' - your = belonging to you, you're = you are. Keep that in mind, and you're all good.

I clicked on this story purely because the title attracted me. My Dad died a couple years ago and I thought I'd check this out, because I know what it feels like to lose a parent (I assume you're writing from some kind of personal experience?)

I do like your idea, and I feel you give the subject matter justice in the way it is portrayed. However, I feel that your expression dips and dives throughout. You use some very vivid, raw vocabulary that I think suits this piece, but in some places you go too lightly, I think. A couple of examples of great words you use are 'shoved', 'soak deep' and your repetition of 'nothing' in Day One, However, when you use 'delicate', 'lingers' and 'envelope', I feel that it 'softens' what you're trying to say too much. You start the piece laying bare the grief and sorrow you feel/felt, but it seems to lessen as the story progresses, rather than deepen in its intensity.

Apart from the spelling and grammatical mistakes those above have commented on, that's my only real point. I enjoyed reading this, and would like to read more of what you have written. Keep up the good work!

Hi there!

This was a good read. I could tell you put a lot of thought into it. There is a lot of emotion in this. I like the way that you write this as journal/diary entries. It's an easier way to get inside your character's head. And that way you don't have to really describe your character right? I like how you brought out the emotions through her words. I could feel the pain she felt at the burial.

Again, good job with this. Keep writing!

This is the second story I have read of yours, and I must say, I love your writing.
There was quite a few grammar/spelling errors, but they could be easily fixed!
You're such a good writer; you're very good at playing on people's emotions.
I liked it a lot . It was so sad though.