Young Writers Society

Hi there!

Wow, this is a great story! I like your style. I think it's great that you kept the words and sentences simple; they really put a lot of emotion into the piece. You did a great job with the interaction of the two characters. They're bonding over a simple subject, one they can both relate to.

There's nothing that I can say bad about this piece. I enjoyed reading it and it's apparent that you really read through and changed it before you posted it. Good job!

Sorry if you were expecting a more in depth review, but there's really nothing I can critique about this. Keep writing!

Hello there, sorry this is horribly late. (But, I suppose, better late than never. )

You've already got some good reviews on this piece, so I'll try to keep away from areas that have already been covered.

1) Description.

Though I would say you've hit the nail on the head in some respects with your description - for instance, you imply with it, rather than telling - it's also quite lacking. I didn't feel myself enjoying the descriptive parts hugely, and there are a couple of things you could do to improve.

Eyes red. Shining.
The crunch of leather as he sits, adjusting to the form of the couch.
Clock ticks behind.

With the example piece, I understand that you want it to sound clipped and tense, but honestly in some cases it just comes across as forced. It's possible for you to smooth it out a little without removing the atmosphere that you're trying to create - however, trust me when I say that the atmosphere needs to be naturally created, and at the moment it isn't always.

2) Dialogue.

One of the reasons that you really need to improve the descriptive parts of the piece is the fact that your dialogue, by the end, is really very good. All of your emotion is packed into the dialogue, which makes it really very powerful.

What I'd love you to do with the dialogue/description is create a little more transition from the uncommunicative man to the part where he inevitably starts talking. The transition would be better suited to the description, just body language or something similar.

Also, keep the level of the dialogue continuous! Your end dialogue is very, very good, but the beginning seems stilted. Similar to the description, actually - I see what you're trying to do, but it's too forced. Even when people are speaking bluntly and not giving anything away there is a certain flow to the speech pattern that you could try to capture here.

Overall, though, nice piece.

Hope this helps - drop me PM if you want to talk further.

Amy

Oh my God. This is the best story I've read on YWS so far. It was touching, emotional and very believable unlike other ones. I loved this, so beautiful and smart. I've read and heard stories about the war, but this was the best by far.

Keep Writing!
Nike(: