Young Writers Society

When she looked at me with bloodshot eyes, and opened her mouth to mutter words that only she could hear I knew I’d lost her. The realisation hit me, much like a battering ram into a world created entirely of playing cards and I felt my heart crumple until I could no longer breathe.

Her hands were covered in pieces of loose string tie in a chaotic pattern, and she was wearing a simple blue shirt, and trousers; the uniforms of St Angela’s College For The Mentally Unstable. I remembered how her hair had been long, a light shade of brown and silky --I had wanted to bury myself forever in them and how her eyes had been still azure pools that lingered in my dreams. But now I look at the shadow of what she used to be and I feel myself flinching. I see myself swallowing my disgust when she turns around and touches me, placing her marred hands on my shoulder or my knee.

I’m the worst.

I remembered the way I said our love would last forever, and that the stars, sky, and moon shone brightly only when she was near. I remember when I first saw the scars: It was a summer afternoon, Friday the 20th of November to be exact and it was raining. Not the uncomfortable cold, and dreary rain but the kind of rain that one looks forward to. The rain that falls in the middle of uncontrollable heat, and each drop feels like perfection. She was waiting for me at the park, we’d decided to go on a picnic--or rather she’d decided to go on a picnic and dragged me along.

I stumbled on the footpaths, and fumbled as tree branches whipped me as I tried to keep up with her pace. At that moment I remembered why I hated trees, and nature in general and wondered why she gave a damn about it all. We reached the picnic area, falling into a comfortable silence as we unpacked the basket. Then we started to talk: about school, about the future, about home, about us when she unravelled the bombshell unknowingly.

For me the moment goes in slow motion, when she took off her jumper complaining about the heat and travelling up her arms were cuts, some fresh, some healing. My eyes are fixated on the sandwiches but by the time she remembers to put her jumper on, I’d turned to smile at her --

the moment froze, like God has remembered to install a pause button but not a rewind.

Silence took over, the rustling of the breeze and chittering of animals became even more pronounced. She looked everywhere but at me, and opened her mouth to form words but none came. I stood up and walked away, it was the only thing I could do. I was too much of a coward to talk, to help, I couldn’t be the hypocrite. I had no moral standing.

---

So I ran from her, and now sitting in the padded cell with this girl in front of me a shattered China doll held together by crazy glue watching her toy with the string on her fingers. I wish I hasn't been such a coward.

Anger! *glomp* Hey there!

So, I did see a few typos here and there but mostly those just involved some places where you forgot an s at the end of a word and a spelling error here and there, things that I’m sure you’ll find if you read over it again.

Instead, I wanted to talk about how awesome this is. There are lots of sad suicide stories out there but it always seems like a large portion of them take advantage of sad¬¬¬¬¬, dramatic metaphors and “poor me” prose. It’s refreshing to read this where the narrator has such a clear, stable state of mind. *claps*

There’s just one line I figured I would point out:

So I ran from her, and now sitting in the padded cell with this girl in front of me a shattered chine doll held together by crazy glue watching her toy with the string on her fingers.

You lose that sense of good-atude that I liked so much in this right here for some reason, plus I think this is getting a little, um, weirdly written. It’s the end of the story. Really put as much work as you can into it.

If you have any questions or need anything, I’m sure you can figure out how to reach me; it’s not like I live in Atlantis or something.

Oh my gosh. This is beatiful and sooooooooooooooooooooo sad. But, I loved it with all my heart. You did have some spelling mistakes though, those things are like a rash gr. I really think this story is amazing.

Keep Writing!

Nike

Hey there, Angus! (I know you'd beat me now. )

I stumbled on the footpaths, and fumbled as tree branches whipped me as I tried to keep up with her pace.

I think the rhyming connection seems a bit weird. Also two times as seems to break the flow of the story. I think you should consider rephrasing this sentence.

Firstly to begin with, I think your starting was a bit round about. No doubt it was good, but I think it felt a bit too much. I mean there were so many expressions in the first para itself and it's been always one of my rules that I don't like to write with a style that have chances of confusing your readers in the very start. I won't pry too much about it and if yo like it, then I think there should be no one from keeping it.

Okay, I am really sorry but I didn't get the story. Did he run away from the girl because she was all cut up? Why did he? I didn't understand anything about the story. I mean, we know that they were in a relationship, and I think they were teens. Also, that there was something going on inside her head and now she was completely disillusioned. But I am not clear about anything else. Also, was this the end? You wouldn't be continuing it? I think if the story is vaguely what I've described then you should give a shot at making it more deeper. The idea and the concept in itself is good; a boy running away from a psycho girl, but there was so much going on in the end that it didn't seem likable that the story had ended until it really had. I wanted to read more, but I seriously couldn't.

Also, I think maybe you'd like to have more dialog, more after how she reacted clearly. I am sorry but I didn't get the story. I had read one of your earlier short stories and that too ended abruptly and it didn't even make sense to me. So, I'd advice you to work on making your characters more fathomable, and your story a bit easier so the readers don't get confused. Once you've rewritten or edited it please PM me and I'll come to review again. Please do that or else I'll feel really bad about giving such a hopeless review.

Keep Writing,
Shrubs

When she looked at me with bloodshot eyes, and opened her mouth to mutter words that only she could hear I knew I’d lost her.

There should be a comma after hear.

The realisation hit me, much like a battering ram into a world created entirely of playing cards and I felt my heart crumple until I could no longer breathe.

Realisation is spelled realization. There should also be a comma after cards.

Her hands were covered in pieces of loose string tie in a chaotic pattern, and she was wearing a simple blue shirt, and trousers; the uniforms of St Angela’s College For The Mentally Unstable.

The semicolon should be a comma. Uniforms should also be singular.

I remembered how her hair had been long, a light shade of brown and silky --I had wanted to bury myself forever in them and how her eyes had been still azure pools that lingered in my dreams.

There should be a dash after them. If you don't, the sentence is hard to read. The sentence is also passive voice. To make it active, reword the sentence so you're not using had and had been.

But now I look at the shadow of what she used to be and I feel myself flinching.

The but isn't needed.

I remember when I first saw the scars: It was a summer afternoon, Friday the 20th of November to be exact and it was raining.

The colon should be a period. Also, the twenty should be spelled out. Numbers are almost always spelled out in short stories. There should also be a comma after exact.

Not the uncomfortable cold, and dreary rain but the kind of rain that one looks forward to.

There should be a comma after rain.

She was waiting for me at the park, we’d decided to go on a picnic--or rather she’d decided to go on a picnic and dragged me along.

The comma after park should either be a semicolon or a period.

I stumbled on the footpaths, and fumbled as tree branches whipped me as I tried to keep up with her pace.

This sentence is awkward to read. You may want to separate it into two sentences and reword it a little.

At that moment I remembered why I hated trees, and nature in general and wondered why she gave a damn about it all.

There should be a comma after general. In addition, is there a reason for the swearing?

Then we started to talk: about school, about the future, about home, about us when she unravelled the bombshell unknowingly.

Unravelled is spelled unraveled.

For me the moment goes in slow motion, when she took off her jumper complaining about the heat and travelling up her arms were cuts, some fresh, some healing.

Travelling is spelled traveling.

My eyes are fixated on the sandwiches but by the time she remembers to put her jumper on, I’d turned to smile at her

There should be a comma after sandwiches. There should also be a period after her.

the moment froze, like God has remembered to install a pause button but not a rewind.

The should be capitalized.

Silence took over, the rustling of the breeze and chittering of animals became even more pronounced.

To make this sentence a complete sentence instead of a fragment, there needs to be an and after over.

She looked everywhere but at me, and opened her mouth to form words but none came.

There needs to be a comma after words.

I was too much of a coward to talk, to help, I couldn’t be the hypocrite.

The comma after help should either be a semicolon or a period.

So I ran from her, and now sitting in the padded cell with this girl in front of me a shattered China doll held together by crazy glue watching her toy with the string on her fingers.

There should be a comma after me.


The ending doesn't make a lot of sense. You may want to include a part explaining how he ended up there with the girl. Otherwise you will probably leave a lot of people confused.

There were many places were you forgot to put commas. When you connect two sentences with and or but, there should be a comma. If you still have questions about where to put commas, a good website is:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

In addition, there were times when you combined sentences together with only a comma. When you do that, you make a run-on sentence. To fix it, use a semicolon or period.

Overall, the short story was good. The story is full of emotion, and it felt like I was there. If you fix a few of the sentences, put commas where they belong, and explain the ending, it would be perfect.

Really sad story.

AngerManagement wrote:My eyes are fixated on the sandwiches but by the time she remembers to put her jumper on, I’d turned to smile at her --

I think you mean remembered!

I love this line:

AngerManagement wrote:the moment froze, like God has remembered to install a pause button but not a rewind.

I think that was my favourite line. But don't forget that it should be had.

Deanie x