Young Writers Society

Toby was an ordinary guy.

He knew how to fix cars.

He sat on the computer playing games.

He mostly ate pizza, at any time he could.

But something triggered him and got him to lose his focus,

Toby didn't concentrate, it made his head boggle.

This thing made him wonder. Wonder what's wrong with him? Why did this thing hit him so badly?

It was a problem in his book. This problem was caused by one little smile from a girl, a girl named Alice.

She took his heart away without him knowing.

She made his mind blur with visions of her and only her.

Toby, well, he was in love.

See "Alice II" for critiques. The same ones there apply here.

Lack of emotional depth, cliche character with cliche emotions. How does love affect people? Outside of Hallmark cards and kids movies, what does it mean to be lovesick?

Don't make your readers chase your stories around.

I have to second Sarg's reply. There was almost nothing to this. I see the aim for simplicity, but this was a little too simple. Causing it to carry on a sort of blandness with its lack of depth.

First off, when building an emotion through a short story - emotions with characters - it's best to keep things original and not so cliche. You don't want your story to be so simple that it starts to have no backbone. Incorporate some more character to your character! A little descriptiveness, maybe some back story. There are many things you can add to this to give it that meaning I can see you were trying for.

Build onto this. If you did even in the slightest bit it would be that much better. You can only build up.

Hey there! Here to review, as requested. You asked to review 'something', and I stumbled upon this beautiful piece of writing. So, here are my nitpicks:

He sat on the computer playing games.

- Okay, this is a tiny bit too vague. I mean, you did aim for this, but agreeing with the others, I would like to see some more insights into this character. The game he might play might give me some more hints of what he is like.

Why did this thing hit him so badly?

- I don't think 'thing' is appropriate here. Feeling? Emotion, maybe?

This problem was caused by one little smile from a girl, a girl named Alice.

- now this line is good.

Toby, well, he was in love.

- Good ending.

Overall, I liked the last three lines, but I found that the story lacks narrative. Expand on it! Make us more captivated! This has a lot of potential, but for now, it seems like a plan, an outline for a story. Actually, this can be a prologue, and then in the first chapter you describe about Toby's life, lonely and gray, then how he meets Alice.
I mean, it's your writing, and you should be the boss of it, but I suggest on the expansion of this.
Still, I liked it!
Keep up the good work
xx Polly