Young Writers Society

Stella stood her face red and moist from the many tears that trickled down her face. The man before her was covered to the chin in a white embroidered cloth all life drained from his aged features.
“Is it him?” asked the detective softly placing a gentle hand on the thirteen year olds shoulder.
“Yes” wept Stella barley audibly.
“Do you want some time alone?” questioned the middle aged detective.
Stella nodded as she moped her face with her hankie. She stood there for a moment not quite sure what to do frozen to the spot. She wasn’t sure whether she could touch him not when he was dead. She made to leave the room when it dawned on her that she would never be tickled by his long white beard as he kissed her good night ever again. That she would never greet him of a morning, or be embarrassed when he’d pick her up from school on his Harley Davidson in his bikers outfit at the age of eighty five. No there would be no more seeing his aged gentle face if she just upt and left that room. As the next time she would come in contact with him would be as he was laid to rest deep in the ground between her mother and her grandmother. Knowing this she slowly lent over her young at heart grandfather giving him a gentle kiss on his wrinkled forehead.
“I love you pop” she whispered “and I’ll never forget you. The police will get who did this horrible act and they will suffer hopefully more than you.”

Stella felt so lost, so alone she had no family now except her father. But as far as she was concerned he had lost the right of being a member of her family when he drove her mother literally to her death. Nearly killing himself and Stella in the process. The memory of that awful day played out in her mind as though someone was showing her a film of that hideous moment.

Stella waved good bye to Electra as they got into the car ready to head home from Electra’s fourteenth birthday party.
“How was it honey?” said her father who was uncharacteristically chipper. This took Stella and her mother by surprise. They where five minutes from home when Stella’s father put his foot down on the accelerator and drove of the road at an exuberant pace. Subsequently hitting into a tree her mother was wedged in the car and killed instantly. The tree however missed Stella who was behind the driver’s seat and her father who had miss judged. His plan failing. She had screamed for what felt an eternity “MUM, MUM, MUM” and then pounded her father till she could pound no more yelling “You basted you killed her you killed her you murderer”

Stella came back to the present the memory being temporarily pushed aside while she was introduced to her supposed new parents.
“Hello dear” said the blonde haired women before her “Nice to meet you just wished we could have done it under different circumstances”
“Yeah me to” said Stella bitterly.
“This is my husband Mark”
“Hello Stella pleasure to meet you” retorted Mark extending his hand for her to take.

Tazy wrote:Stella stood her face red and moist from the many tears that trickled down her face. The man before her was covered to the chin in a white embroidered cloth all life drained from his aged features.

Ok, how about this:
'Stella stood, her face red and moist from the many tears that trickled down her face. The man before her was covered to the chin in a white embroidered cloth. All life was drained from his aged features.'

“Is it him?” asked the detective softly placing a gentle hand on the thirteen year olds shoulder.
“Yes” wept Stella barley audibly.

This?:
"Is it him?" the detective asked softly, placing a gently hand on the g.irls shoulder.

I wouldn't say she's thirteen yet....I think you need to indicate that it wasn't a natural cause of d.eath, rather than suddenly bring in a detective.

“Do you want some time alone?” questioned the middle aged detective.

Ok, we don't need to know he/she is middle aged.

Stella nodded as she moped her face with her hankie. She stood there for a moment not quite sure what to do frozen to the spot. She wasn’t sure whether she could touch him not when he was d.ead. She made to leave the room when it dawned on her that she would never be tickled by his long white beard as he kissed her good night ever again.

Its 'mopped', not 'moped'.

'Stella nodded, as she mopped her face with her sodden hankie. She stood there for a moment, not quite sure what to do. Frozen to the spot. She wasn't sure whether she should touch him now he was d.ead. She made a move to leave the room, when it dawned on her that she would never again be tickled by his long white beard as he kissed her goodnight'

That she would never greet him of a morning, or be embarrassed when he’d pick her up from school on his Harley Davidson in his bikers outfit, at the age of eighty five. No, there would be no more seeing his aged gentle face if, she just upt and left that room. As the next time she would come in contact with him would be as he was laid to rest deep in the ground between her mother and her grandmother. Knowing this she slowly lent over her young-at-heart grandfather giving him a gentle kiss on his wrinkled forehead.
“I love you pop” she whispered “and I’ll never forget you. The police will get who did this horrible act, and they will suffer hopefully more than you.”

Ok, I'm just going to put the needed punctuation/changes in 'bold'. Take out the bit 'As the' in 'As the next time she would come in contact etc...'

Stella felt so lost, so alone she had no family now except her father. But as far as she was concerned, he had lost the right of being a member of her family, when he drove her mother literally to her d.eath. Nearly k.illing himself and Stella in the process. The memory of that awful day played out in her mind, as though someone was showing her a film of that hideous moment.

Stella waved good bye to Electra as they got into the car ready to head home from Electra’s fourteenth birthday party.
“How was it honey?” said her father who was uncharacteristically chipper. This took Stella and her mother by surprise. They where five minutes from home when Stella’s father put his foot down on the accelerator and drove of the road at an exuberant pace. Subsequently hitting into a tree her mother was wedged in the car and killed instantly. The tree however missed Stella who was behind the driver’s seat and her father who had miss judged. His plan failing. She had screamed for what felt an eternity “MUM, MUM, MUM” and then pounded her father till she could pound no more yelling “You basted you killed her you killed her you m.urderer”

I'd put this in italics, to represent thoughts, otherwise it gets you totally off track on the story

Stella came back to the present, the memory being temporarily pushed aside, while she was introduced to her supposed new parents.
“Hello dear” said the b.londd haired women before her
“Nice to meet you just wished we could have done it under different circumstances”
“Yeah, me to” said Stella bitterly.
“This is my husband, Mark”
“Hello Stella pleasure to meet you” retorted Mark extending his hand for her to take.

I don't think 'retorted' is the right word; more like 'greeted' etc. This story is good, but very bland, no emotion, and it rushes too fast. I think you need a prologue, or some sort of history to give us an idea of what this is about. The part where she suddenly meets her 'new parents' is way too out of the blue. You can't just suddenly bring them into the picture. From what I read, she is still in the morgue, and has just finished saying goodbye to her grandfather. It needs heaps of punctuation work, and I've put the needed commas and full stops in bold, but they are a bit hard to see...

I think this could be a good story, if you worked on the character personality, history, and more emotion. Saything that she's crying doesn't bring a good picture. She needs feelings of shock, anger, bewilderment etc to show she's grieving...

Anyway, I hope that helped.

This did move a bit fast.

Honestly, the death of her grandpa... I thought it was going to be a little humerous with the word oddball in the title..

And in the flashabck, who is Electra? Do we meet her later? Her relations?
What was her fathers issue? Why did h want to kill them?

And who was this blond lady and her husband? Social worker? Adoptive parents? Friends? Detectives?

There are a lot of many unanswered questions and there isn't enough detail... it confused me.

You seem to have a big problem with putting commas and other punctuations. The 1st paragraph should correctly read:
“Stella stood; her face red and moist from the many tears that had trickled down her face. The man before her was covered to the chin in a white embroidered cloth all life drained from his aged features.
Then the 3rd para might sound better with:
“Yes,” wept Stella, barley audibly.
“…nodded as she moped her face with her…”-‘moped’ is incorrect. It is spelled ‘mopped’.
I think these lines are complicated: “She stood there for a moment not quite sure what to do frozen to the spot. She wasn’t sure whether she could touch him not when he was dead.” You should make them simpler like: “She stood there for a moment not quite sure what to do - frozen to the spot. She wasn’t sure whether she could touch him or not now that he was dead.”
In this line: “…seeing his aged gentle face if she just upt and…” what does ‘upt’ mean? And the very next line-shouldn’t it be joined with this one?
These lines: “But as far as she was concerned he had lost the right of being a member of her family when he drove her mother literally to her death. Nearly killing himself and Stella in the process.” too should be joined to make: “But as far as she was concerned he had lost the right of being a member of her family when he drove her mother literally to her death- nearly killing himself and Stella in the process.”
The memory part would have been better with Past Perfect tense to make it clearer, I think.
You should delete the ‘h’ in ‘where’ : “They where five minutes from home when Stella’s father…”
Once again I think these lines: “…driver’s seat and her father who had miss judged. His plan failing.” should be joined to make: “…driver’s seat and her father who had misjudged his plan failing.” (Yes, you’ve also misspelled a word.)
And please add an “o” to ‘to’ in: “Yeah me to” said Stella bitterly.

The story-good, very good. But I think the title (though it sounds nice to me) is mismatched with the story. I mean Stella’s grandpa isn’t the subject of the story; he’s mentioned in the 1st part only and so I think you should give a more suitable title to this story. Like simply “Stella” would do the trick. You have a lively way of expressing things and I like it.
The Harley Davidson part was humourous-you did a great job there!