Young Writers Society

Lets go! Get a move on! I didn’t know what was happening at the time but I knew it wasn’t good. “Stop stalling!” the man yelled. I couldn’t see where we where going, But I could hear water and a busy town. My town wasn’t busy who was this man and who where the people next to me? As the questions ran through my head I felt a sharp Sting on my leg. Get going! It was the mans voice again. I noticed the floor wasn’t stable. It was softly swaying back and forth. I wasn’t on land, I wasn’t at home. I wasn’t where I was when I went to bed last night. Was it still night, the blindfold over my eyes made everything look black. Sit down! The man said. But where I couldn’t see? Slam! I hit the floor. It was cold and hard. I heard chains and I felt them smack against my wrists and ankles I knew what this meant. Even though it’s the last thing I thought would ever happen to me, not to long from now I would be in a new home, with new people I didn’t care to know. I was going to be a slave and i'm only thirteen years old. It seemed so wrong. I was headed for god knows where and god knows when, but I knew it wasn’t the promise land. I lie down on the cold hard floor and fell asleep. I don’t know how but I did.
As I dreamed, I dreamed of home, a place that I love, a place that I will probably never see again, the place where I was born and raised. The fresh flowers in the spring and a slight breeze, Just enough to make a chill roll down your spin. The tall evergreens swaying in the wind.
When I woke up I was still there I didn’t know where I was, but I was still in the ship. This time I could see. It was large room with about one hundred and fifty girls about my age. All lying on the floor. Some awake and some asleep and some I just couldn’t tell. At the end of the gloomy cold room there was a large solid metal door. I was scared. My back ached like nothing I have ever felt. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have time. Right when the first tear went streaming down my face. The humongous door slammed open. It was the same voice I heard last night. He looked just as I imagined him. Tall, muscular, hairy and very ugly.
One by one he yelled a name out then shoved a girl out the door. And one by one he got closer to me. As soon as he got to me he looked down grabbed my shirt yelled my name and shoved me out the door like all the girls before me. On the other side of the door was a group of people yelling out numbers. I guess they where bidding on me. Because the man talking faster then I can think. Yelled going once going twice…. Sold! Then a different man gabbed my wrist and pulled me in his direction. The man that said the last number was waiting at the gate for me. The man grabbed my wrist tighter. I hurt. I wanted to cry, but still I had no time to. The man that told me to call him Mr. Grabbed my other wrist, pulled me in his car and off I went through the thick green woods. Finally we ended up at a huge brick house. With dead trees. And a hole where I think a pond might have been at one point. He pulled under one of the biggest dead trees I’ve ever seen. Got out, opened my door and grabbed my wrist once again. He looked at me sternly and then gave me an evil grin. “Come on” he said then let me go. I had to jog to keep up with him. We walked for about a mile when I saw the house for the first time. It was a one-room building. The bathroom, bed and sink where all in there. Nothing more nothing less. He shut the door and walked away. I watched him out of my one tiny window. I sat down on the hard spring bed. This time I had time to cry. So I did.
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It was a little hard to read as you never broke anything up. There are a few mistakes, but not as much as you would think. When I read the story, I knew straight off that this would sound better in present tense.

Lets go! Get a move on! I didn’t know what was happening at the time but I knew it wasn’t good. “Stop stalling!” the man yelled. I couldn’t see where we where going,

There are two things wrong with this part. You say: ‘Lets go! Get a move on!’
Is someone speaking there? If not, I wouldn’t have added that in. As it is in present tense then suddenly it goes to past tense.

Also, when someone speaks, you start a new line. One you finished and said who was speaking or something like that; you would then start another line.

So it would be:

”Lets go! Get a move on!”
I didn’t know what was happening at the time but I knew it wasn’t good.
“Stop stalling!” the man yelled.
I couldn’t see where we were going,

I couldn’t see where we where going, But I could hear water and a busy town. My town wasn’t busy who was this man and who where the people next to me?

When you use a comma, you don’t use a capital letter.

Also the bit in bold confuses me. (Oh man, I get confused a lot…) I think you were meant to say instead was:

The town lived in wasn’t busy. Who was this man and who were these people next to me?

As the questions ran through my head I felt a sharp Sting on my leg. Get going! It was the mans voice again.

I really think it would sound better like:

As the questions ran through my head, I felt a sharp sting on my leg.
“Get going!”
It was the man’s voice again.

Sit down! The man said. But where I couldn’t see?

Don’t worry, I was even worse than you, when I was 13. Man, I am still bad. You did the speech thing again. But alas, I am here!

Because you are using a exclamation mark, the word said doesn’t quite go with it. Try using different words like: Shouted, screamed, bellowed, barked.

”Sit down!” The man ordered,
But where? I couldn’t see!

I lie down on the cold hard floor and fell asleep. I don’t know how but I did.

You suddenly go to present tense to past tense on that same sentence!

I laid on the cold, hard floor and fell asleep. I don’t know how, but I did.

The rest is about the same. All you really need to do, is run it through the spell checker and re-read your work. Pretend to be a reader, would you be able to understand all that? Does that sentence sound right? That stuff.

Haze's got the grammatical stuff, but my one thing that I didn't like about it was that you got the feeling that there was supposed to be something huge going on here, but it slopped together so fast that I didn't get the time to experience any of that.

The singlemost important line:

'So I did. '

ACK!

This should be hitting me in the chest, phsyically. You want to create a bam! effect with that line, otherwise it's just extra words.

You need to isolate it- set it apart so that it does make us go, 'wow, that's cool'. Place the line a space beneath the rest of the paragraph.

I think it's kind of vague, but it's one of those that will definitely improve with more drafts. Good luck!

Hey you avatar is sooooooooooo cute!!!
Anyway let’s get to business. I read this story and I found quite a lot of typing and other errors. You might edit this story. The theme was very different and I liked it a lot. But the writing I think lacks depth at times. I loved these lines:
Some awake and some asleep and some I just couldn’t tell.
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have time.
This time I had time to cry. So I did.
Now here’s a humungous list of your errors and if I’m be incorrect in some cases please let me know. Some errors are really minor but I’ve mentioned them anyway.
First- put an apostrophe in the first word, it should read “Let’s” and not “Lets”.
Here are more of your minor yet vital errors:
My town wasn’t busy who was this man and who where the people next to me?
Shouldn’t it be:
My town wasn’t busy -who was this man and who where the people next to me?
You wrote the word “sting” with a capital “S”!! (4th line)
Excuse me? We aren’t talking ‘bout the guy who sang ‘Desert Rose’ (–are we????)
In the next line:
“It was the mans voice again.”
It should be:
“It was the man’s voice again.”
Then,
“Was it still night, the blindfold over my eyes made everything look black.”
You missed a punctuation mark but I’m not too sure I’m correct:
“Was it still night- The blindfold over my eyes made everything look black.”
You missed an “o”:
“…not to long from now…”
It should read:
“…not too long from now…”
And you missed a “D”:
“…the promise land…”
“…the promised land…”
“I lie down on the cold…”
Isn’t “lay” the past tense of ‘lie’??
“I lay down on the cold…”
Then there’s this line where you’ve missed an “e”
“…roll down your spin.”
“…roll down your spine.”

“The tall evergreens swaying in the wind.”-this line makes no sense since it has no connection, maybe you could put it somewhere else or delete it or add something to it like:
“Even though I was blindfolded, I could sense some tall evergreens swaying in the wind.”
This line- “When I woke up I was still there I didn’t know where I was, but I was still in the ship.” seems a bit ironical. I mean, you first write you don’t know where you are and then you write- “…but I was still in the ship.” I think you should modify this line to make it more sensible.
You have written:
“It was large room with about one hundred and fifty girls about my age. All lying on the floor.”
It should read:
“It was a large room with about one hundred and fifty girls of my age-all lying on the floor.”
This line I suppose is wrongly constructed:
“My back ached like nothing I have ever felt.”
It might be:
“My back ached like nothing I had felt before.” Or “My back ached-it was like nothing I had ever felt.”
You wrote:
“Right when the first tear went streaming down my face. The humongous door slammed open.”
You need to join these sentences:
“Right when the first tear went streaming down my face, the humongous door slammed open.”
And these too:
“He looked just as I imagined him -tall, muscular, hairy and very ugly.”
This line: “One by one he yelled a name out then shoved a girl out the door” might be better if you changed it: “One by one he yelled out a name then shoved the girl out the door.”
And “It was the same voice I heard last night.” should be placed in this paragraph and not where you’ve placed it cuz there it has got nothing to do with his voice since you haven’t mentioned him speaking there.
This line was senseless: “Because the man talking faster then I can think.”
You missed a “r”: “…different man gabbed my wrist and…” it should read: “…different man grabbed my wrist and…”
“The man that said the last number…”
Correction- “The man who said the last number…”
“I hurt”-“I was hurt.”
“The man that told me to call him Mr. Grabbed my other wrist, pulled me in his car and off I went through the thick green woods.” Correction- “The man that told me to call him Mister, grabbed my other wrist, pulled me onto his car and off we went through the thick green woods.”
This description can be made better: “Finally we ended up at a huge brick house. With dead trees. And a hole where I think a pond might have been at one point.”
Let me try:
“Finally we ended up at a huge brick house surrounded by few dead trees. Beside it was a muddy puddle big enough for a pond which I guessed had existed at one point.”
(do u really think a “hole” could have been a pond!??!
“We walked for about a mile when I saw the house for the first time. It was a one-room building.”
Excuse me?????
You have already seen the house: you could say: “…a mile when I saw the house up close for the first time.” And the house was “huge”-remember? so how could it only have 1 room? I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’m saying that it sounds really strange.
And lastly, “…of my one tiny window.” - “your” window????