Young Writers Society

If you want to understand what's going on later, I'd recommend reading the next few posts, at least.


There’s a small rap at the bars.

Without willing it, a small, timid squeak of fear espcapes from the back of my throat.

I cover my eyes with my hands, they’re here, they’re here, they will get me.

You’ll die.

Footsteps pad nearer and nearer, in time with my heart. Maybe they won’t find me, if I hide…

Soft, tiny hands clasp around my neck.

“Don’t…move…”

The voice is gentle, feminine. Such a phrase sounds odd coming from it.

A cloth is tied around my mouth and had. It smells faintly of rose water.

“Stay silent, and nothing will happen,” the voice says, roughly. I can feel cold sweat seeping into the back of the cloth. “I promise,’

The voice is softer now.

I’m pulled to my feet, wobbly and dizzy. I turn to the side and vomit.

The girl, whoever she is, doesn’t seem to mind, just pushes me foreward. I close my eyes.

It’s better not to know, now.

“Step up,” she hisses into my ear. As soon as I hear this, my foot catches on a ledge and I crumple.

Something hard connects with the back of my leg, and I have no choice but to get back up. Please God, let me die fast….

I’m pushed along. The smells change as I go farther; blood is no longer thick in the air. Here, it smells like gunpowder.

“Step down,”

I do, and hear my feet pad downa a staircase, the hand guiding me, catching me when I slip.

There’s a rattle of keys on a chain, followed by the crunch of metal upon metal. A rusty hinge sweeps open.

And the cold air hits me.

It’s so cold, so wet. The air is…clear.

I have to open my eyes.

Outside, it’s dark, the sky dotted with stars dulled by overhead clouds. In front of me lies an open gate, with a sentry standing guard.

Please, God…

I hear a gun click. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, one by one. My knees are weak. I’m about to vomit again.

Bang.

I fal to my knees. It’s over, it’s over, all over…

A foot connects with my spine.

“Get up, you stupid boy,”

The voice is shaky, cracking like the person is crying. I sand, wobbling a bit. The gun powder is thick in the air, almost gagging me.

The sentry that had been staning there a momemtn ago is no longer there.

Instead, he is a rumpled heap of blood and bone.

I throw up again.

The barrel of a gun is pushed into my back, prodding me in the direction of the doorway.

“Run,” the voice gasps.

I stumble forward, but don’t get very far before collapsing.

The voice grabs my hand and drags me along with her. I close my eyes once more.

Interesting, i like the layout, builds the suspense well. Couple of things, there's a few typo's that broke the flow once i was reading it,

mouth and had

hand? head?

crying. I sand, wobbling

stand?

there a momemtn ago is

moment

The second thing i noticed was that your main character has a cloth around his mouth right? How can he vomit past it? That just bugged me a bit.

I think you've got something good here, it flows really well and the idea's running along smoothly, just those few small things that interupted it.

Any more to it?

Tis back!

Here, it smells like gunpowder.

Show, don't tell. Most people probably have little idea what gunpowder smells like, and this doesn't feel very real. Describe the smell better.

The gun powder is thick in the air, almost gagging me.

Gunpowder is one word, and I sincerely doubt the smell is strong enough to make someone feel that way.


This needs some serious checking over - spelling mistakes are everywhere, and you have a frightening tendency to use commas at the end of speech when they should be periods. Silly you.

Anyway, the vagueness did work here as it helped us understand how confused and bad the hero felt. Just need some checking over, some inconsistencies are about as well. Otherwise, good to see it back!

Thanks!

Uh..well...I typed this with my eyes closed that's why it's typofrenzied. Sorry!

I loved it i did i did! it was really powerful, and I am SUPER curious. I bet since him and Jeremy are twins, they mistook him for Jeremy. Yup, that's it, right, right?

Yeah, Misty you're-

BUZZ!

Hehe, just kidding. Maybe, maybe not!

HAHA! I KNEW IT! Considering that Jeremy is always breaking windows and doing "dirty things in dark alleyways" as i believe you phrased it. ...actually your wording was diferent but that was the essense of it.