Yeah... that line kind of threw me off too... maybe it's just because it sounds more like dialogue than something somebody would write in a note. *shrug*
But you used macabre! Yay! I love that word.
Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
Your word choice was much too dramatic and overblown. Really, were her footsteps echoing to oblivion? Yeah... right. It's like your trying to say something which ends up being nothing. Make sense?
*sighs* Let me try again.
This is what is happening in your story:
1. A guy is agonizing in a prison cell.
2. He finally gets food, and a strange note with his food.
Now, (and I've struggled with this in the past so don't assume that I'm just trying to annoy you), inner dialogue is needed, but not to such an extent that it clogs up your story. In your previous selection of the story, it said the same thing. In this one, you just repeated yourself and added an interesting tidbit. My suggestion? Combine these chapters.
And the overblown language... hehehe....
One of the main problems is word choice. Every word means something and it can be the difference between an absolutely fabulous piece of work and an absolute dreary piece of work. This piece is none of those, but it would be a good idea to look through every word you have. As you do, say to yourself, "Is this what I want to say? Can I put it in a better way without stifling this piece?"
Just to let you know: you are one of the best writers I've seen on any writing club. True, I give you some leeway because of your age, but it looks like you can be an extremely good writer when you grow up soon.
Good luck!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.
This was interesting to read, it really made me wonder why the guy was stuck in prison.
"Typical. Just when your getting ahead, someone changes the odds."-MacGyver
"Bold and noise. I'm famous for that." -MacGyver
MacGyver Freak!!
~Zeb~Raincloud~Macpw2~gandalfpw2~
Good job Sam! Nice star wars line...i was thinking the same thing about luke i am your father. Anyways i think the story is going very well and of course can't wait to read more. It looks as though snoik has already attacted the crits though. Oh well, good job though snoik. Post more soon sam!
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld
"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties
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