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8 periods in the life. the busses



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Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:06 am
MADD94 says...



hey i need help with this i have no idea if it's keep able or not
WARNING: there are a lot of profanity's and it may be hard to connect some idea's because the character has ADD

8 periods in the life

I did it ; I have successfully made it through the eight periods, six hour hell known as school. As I walk out the door and towards the fence to the right of the dumpster where I wait for the bus every day, I see jerry walking towards me.
He has some sort of mental disability but I wouldn’t call him retarded. I would never call some one with a mental disability retarded. He’s a cool kid and all but sometimes it just gets annoying to talk to him.

“Hey Eric!”

“Oh hey man, what’s happening?”

“Did you hear about the-” Just then Chelsea walks up and starts talking.

“Oh my god Eric, did you really draw that kid a picture?”

“Hold up, I’m talk-”

“Whatever, did you!?” god she can be such a fucking bitch.

“Yeah, I’m talking with Jerry, go the fuck away!” I said it playfully. She really didn’t understand I was pissed.

“So Jerry, what were you saying?”

“Oh, nothing, never mind.” He doesn’t sound mad, just let down. I feel pretty bad. But I talk to that kid a lot, and after a rough day I just want to go chill with my close friends.

So I said bye, and I walk over to these weird wooden stakes that protrude from the ground about four feet, and are about two feet thick. I sit down and watch as a crowd of my friends meet up in the usual spot. The usual suspects! That’s a great movie. Holy Shit! It’s Friday! I always forget what day it is and remember once a period and forget 10 minutes after. Sweet I got a plan now, step one, get home, step two, eat, step three, sleep, step four… Step four… Who gives a fuck about step four! I’m going to be home soon. Nasty. Oh yeah, the girls.

“Hey guys.” I say simply

“Hey Eric” I was looking at Lana, she’s like my baby sister… she’s also a wicked horny, yet prude, and 4 ’11. That’s why I call her Smurfette. It kind of depresses me that we aren’t close anymore, but fuck it if she doesn’t care, why should I? Then my eyes turn to Kathy. She’s pretty cool but can be kind of a bitch. She’s kind of chubby and wears like cobra command starship, or however the fuck you say it. Mandy is here but I don’t care about her that much. Finally we get to Lauren. She hates me. There as a time two months ago when I called her a porn star nonstop. She finally flipped out but I made it up by buying hot chocolate. She’s still a bitch all the time. Oh, Sweet! It’s Caitlyn Escafario! She’s totally cool, I can’t even describe it. Her parents are awesome! So her mom lets her smoke and drink, as long as she has strait A’s! So it’s like their cool parents and good parents at the same time! She is cool enough that I shared my very first joint of my own with her. Granted, that was like, two weeks ago.

“Hi Caitlyn Escafario!” I always say her full name.

“Hi Eric Johnson!” she always says my full name. She’s pretty hot. I mean not like, Holy shit! I would fuck her for a week strait, but more like, she’s pretty. That is a better way to describe her.

“How are you doing on this fine day?” we always talk kinda weird. We always do a lot of things

“I am doing fantastic thank you.” Oh shit, now the buses are pulling in. that sucks, I gotta try to hang out with her more often.

“Oh, hey I gotta go, I’ll see you later Eric Johnson.”

“Bye Caitlyn Escafario!” Now to get on the bus. Fuck the bus.

I step up the three stairs towards the bus driver… I don’t say anything to her cause Evelyn is a bitch. Oh god I hate my bus. I walk past Taylor and some little faggot 7th grader whose name I don’t know. The chubby kid behind me, Jake, pushes Taylor in and they sit and begin to talk. You can’t really call it a conversation because all they do is talk about weed… I mean, pots fun and all, but Jesus fucking Christ! There is more to life than a bowl and a lighter. The other thing is they’re not cool peaceful potheads. They listen to slipknot and ICP all the fucking time. When I blaze I like to put some Pink Floyd in and just chill. They are so fucking stupid. I walk right pass them, which is a new thing for me, because I recently stopped sitting with them. Not because I didn’t realize they were queer, but because I finally stopped putting up with it. I sit in the first open seat I can find, diagonal from Taylor and adjacent to the Dino Twins.

Let me tell you about the Dino Twins. They are stupid, loud; seventh graders who share no relation, yet still remind me of prehistoric reptiles one of them, in my head I call her Allie, because she looks like an allosaurus. Her older sister is only an eighth grader, yet still hot, popular, and kind of funny. She’ll just never measure up. Funny how things work. The other I call Sarah, because she reminds me of the triceratops from the land before time.

So I sit ands start rehearsing my plan, while trying to block out a conversation about how high they were the same as every day, and a conversation about how “that guy looks so GROSS in Hollister!” Give me a hand gun and paint the bus windows with my brains. My mind wanders to the chicken I will be having later… mmmmh…. Chicken, we talked about that in my last period teen relationships! Apparently, KFC throws their chickens against the walls to stun before decapitating them. That shits hilarious. It’s like that episode of south park when-

“Oh, my god, I would never be caught dead wearing that!” I wish Allie would shut the fuck up.

“Yeah, I know! She looks so stupid.” Sarah’s just a wannabe sidekick. I wish another comet would fall on everyone on this bus. Or the Allosaurus could just go back to a more natural diet. Which ever works.

“So I started thinking about what I’m gonna wear for the dance next week,”

“The dance isn’t until the 14th retard.” Taylor says. I wish they would all take a nap in a burning building

“Why are you listening to us?” she tells him.

“Maybe it’s because your really loud.” I am so glad I decided to talk.

“Why are you listening!” she says while casting me a dirtier look.

“MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE REALLY LOUD!” I shout. Not angry, just loud. She looks at me with anger and puzzlement.

“Your really weird.” Fuck you Dino Bitch! Go charge a rock and break your neck.

“Yeah, but you forgot about SEXY!” she looked at me like I was telling her that the whites were enslaved by the blacks back in the day… but she’d probably believe me on that one.

“Eww Nuh Uh!” apparently someone doesn’t understand the concept of sarcasm. A bit too far over her head.

“Ch Yeah Huh!” the bus comes to a screeching halt. I'm not sure but i think a banshee lives in the engine.

“Hey I know that you wanna see me and all, but I think we should just be friends.” She gave me this look of sheer blonde retardedness.

“Catch ya latter cutie.” Said in a kidding voice. I did it. I was home.
Last edited by MADD94 on Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Sat Nov 15, 2008 6:03 pm
sofi says...



Hello!

Okay, well firstly this really should be rated for language and the like so if you could please put a rating on it :D

I liked the overall concept of this. Your character was very well developed you could get a proper feel of the kind of person he is.

There are just a few nit-picks really...

“Did you hear about the-” Just then Chelsea walks up and starts talking.


Personally, I'm not a fan of 'just then' it seems quite childish, for lack of a better word, and the type of thing you write in stories in primary school. You seem like a much better writer than that and there are lots of alternative ways in which you could have said that so maybe take a look?

for a week strait


Straight

There were one or two other grammatical errors i think so just proof read over this, but there weren't many!

I wasn’t sure but I believe a banshee lives in the engine.


Hahahaha! I loved this! It really made me laugh- I think you should make it 'I'm not sure' though otherwise you have different tenses.

Overall, I really like this a lot! Like i said you have a very well developed character! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions! :D

Sofi.
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
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Sat Nov 15, 2008 7:16 pm
Flemzo says...



I don't think I've critted anything of yours before, so here's I do short stories: I critique as I read it, adding suggestions and personal reactions as I go along. With that, here's your crit:

MADD94 wrote:I have done it


Already you're off to a bad start. Why use passive voice when you can simply say, "I did it." It's a far more interesting beginning than "I have done it."

In fact, looking ahead at the next couple of sentences, you use passive voice a lot. Knock it off; it's not interesting at all.

I [s]have[/s] successfully made it through the eight period, six hour hell known as school. As I walked out the door and toward the fence to the right of the dumpster where I wait for the bus every day, I see Jerry walking toward me.


So, I'm gathering the story is in present tense. I'm not a fan of present tense, so I'll be correcting everything to make it past tense.

Now, as for your overload of prepositions: stop it. Out, toward, to, of, where, for. Six prepositions in a row is way too many. "Out the door" is sufficient.

He has some sort of mental disability but I wouldn’t call him retarded. I would never call some one with a mental disability retarded. [s]He’s a cool kid and all but sometimes it just gets annoying to talk to him.[/s]


The proper terminology is "cognitive disability". Also, if you have a cognitive disability, you are clinically retarded.

“Hey Eric!”


I know Jerry is talking here, but it would help your reader if you remind us who is talking. Otherwise it's just a disembodied voice.

“Oh hey man, what’s happening?”


I'm guessing the narrator of the story is saying this. Again, remind your reader who is talking at first, otherwise, voices are just flitting around.



I'm ending the critique here. I skimmed through the rest of the story, and there is so much left to correct with voicing, dialogue, grammar, etc., that if I actually went through it, I would be typing my fingers to little stubs. My first suggestion would be to read more. Your Stephanie Meyers and Sarah Dessens are okay, but reading actual literature (Edgar Allen Poe, Stephen King, etc.) can get you a better idea of what good writing is.

Next, I suggest that you learn some grammar rules. Review punctuation, captialization, that sort of thing. It will vastly improve your writing.

Finally, practice writing. This was beyond rough. Write as much as you can, then proofread your stuff to see if there's anything you need to fix (in this story, there was too much for me to handle in my current state).

Better luck next time,
kf
  





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Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:48 pm
Demeter says...



Hi MADD94! Here by request ;)

As I walk out the door and towards the fence to the right of the dumpster where I wait for the bus every day, I see jerry walking towards me.


Try reading this out loud. It seems more like a tongue twister than a sensible sentence. Plus it's making me think that everything else is more important than the fact that Jerry (capitalization!) is walking towards the narrator. You've also used the word "towards" twice, and I try to avoid things like that. So I guess you should ditch one of them.


The dialogue bit in the beginning is really confusing. Who's talking to whom? You might want to add a "Jerry/me/whomever said" every once in a while.


I sit down and watch as a crowd of my friends meet up in the usual spot. The usual suspects! That’s a great movie. Holy Shit! It’s Friday! I always forget what day it is and remember once a period and forget 10 minutes after. Sweet I got a plan now, step one, get home, step two, eat, step three, sleep, step four… Step four… Who gives a fuck about step four! I’m going to be home soon. Nasty. Oh yeah, the girls.


Excuse me, but what? This bit is, to be honest, quite a mess. Nothing seems to connect with one another. And is "The usual suspects" a name of a movie? Because if it's not, then I don't understand this part at all. All the same, it is a little too rambling – though sometimes rambling is good, but not really now. We're barely in the beginning of the story, you want to deal with eveything else before starting to ramble.


In the middle there are quite a lot of supporting female characters introduced. And it's okay, but all the narrator really does is telling their names and whether she's "cool", "hot" or "bitchy". It started to bug me. I understand if that's the way the main character behaves and talks, but I get very easily fed up with the words "fuck", "bitch", "shit" and so on, and so on, and so on. Especially if they're used constantly.


Also, the dialogue in the end is confusing, because you don't tell us who's talking.


Luckily, life is a school, and we all only improve by every book we read and every line we write. So what I'm saying is that don't worry if you feel like the reviewers are sometimes totally misunderstanding you by giving harsh critiques – they only mean good, and every day you take one step closer to a greater writerhood.


All the best to you,

Demeter xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

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Sun Nov 16, 2008 6:23 am
Carlito says...



MADD94 wrote: I did it ; ((.))I have successfully made it through the eight periods, six hour hell known as school. As I walk out the door and towards the fence to the right of the dumpster where I wait for the bus every day, I see jerry ((Jerry))walking towards me.


MADD94 wrote:“Hey Eric!” ((Say who starts the conversation. I'm about 99.9% sure it's Jerry but say if it is or not))

“Oh hey man, what’s happening?” ((And the same thing here...you don't have to do the 'said ___' for every thing but do it in the beginning of the diolauge just to help establish who's talking))

“Did you hear about the-” ((New paragraph))Just then Chelsea walks ((walked))up and starts ((started)) talking.


MADD94 wrote:“Whatever, did you!?” ((New paragraph, italizie thoughts and capitalize God :)))god she can be such a fucking bitch.


MADD94 wrote: So I said bye, and I walk ((walked)) over to these weird wooden stakes that protrude from the ground about four feet, and are about two feet thick. I sit down and watch as a crowd of my friends meet up in the usual spot. The usual suspects! That’s a great movie. Holy Shit! It’s Friday! I always forget what day it is and remember once a period and forget 10 minutes after. Sweet I got a plan now, step one, get home, step two, eat, step three, sleep, step four… Step four… Who gives a fuck about step four! I’m going to be home soon. Nasty. Oh yeah, the girls.

I love this paragraph! Do you have ADD? You capture the mind of someone with ADD really well! :D

MADD94 wrote:“Hi Eric Johnson!” she always says my full name. She’s pretty hot. I mean not like, Holy shit! I would fuck her for a week strait, but more like, she’s pretty. That is a better way to describe her.

This is officially my favorite description in like, forever! :D

MADD94 wrote: I step up the three stairs towards the bus driver… I don’t say anything to her cause Evelyn is a bitch. Oh god I hate my bus. I walk past Taylor and some little faggot ((you really should change this...that's a little too far on the profanity scale)) 7th grader whose name I don’t know. The chubby kid behind me, Jake, pushes Taylor in and they sit and begin to talk. You can’t really call it a conversation because all they do is talk about weed… I mean, pots fun and all, but Jesus fucking Christ! There is more to life than a bowl and a lighter.

That last sentence is hilarious :D

MADD94 wrote:The other I call Sarah, because she reminds me of the triceratops from the land before time.

:D

MADD94 wrote:So I sit ands ((and)) start rehearsing my plan, while trying to block out a conversation about how high they were the same as every day, and a conversation about how “that guy looks so GROSS in Hollister!”


MADD94 wrote:“Your really weird.” Fuck you Dino Bitch! Go charge a rock and break your neck.

Wait...who said this? One of the Dino people? If so the 'Fuck you...' should be a new paragraph and in italics because it's thoughts.


Overall, I thought this was really funny and well written. I said this before, but you really do capture the mind of someone with ADD really well.
Kudos to you! You get a gold star! :D

-Carly
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Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:42 am
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Vampyre says...



Ok so everyone else has commented on the actual story, so I'm just going to correct all the spelling/grammar mistakes, because they're making a funny, well-captured story harder to read.

I did it; No space between it and ; I have successfully made it through the eight periods of the six hour hell known as school. As I walk out the door and towards the fence, to the right of the dumpster where I wait for the bus every day, I see Jerry walking towards me.

He has some sort of mental disability but I wouldn’t call him retarded. I would never call someone with a mental disability retarded. He’s a cool kid and all, but sometimes it just gets annoying to talk to him.



“Hey Eric!”



“Oh hey man, what’s happening?”



“Did you hear about the-”

Just then Chelsea walks up and starts talking. New line



“Oh my god Eric, did you really draw that kid a picture?”



“Hold up, I’m talk-”



“Whatever, did you!?” God, she can be such a fucking bitch.



“Yeah, I’m talking with Jerry, go the fuck away!”
I said it playfully. She didn't really understand I was pissed. New line



“So Jerry, what were you saying?”



“Oh, nothing, never mind.” He doesn’t sound mad, just let down. I feel pretty bad. But I talk to that kid a lot, and after a rough day I just want to go chill with my close friends.



So I said bye, and I walk over to these weird wooden stakes that protrude from the ground about four feet, and are about two feet thick. I sit down and watch as a crowd of my friends meet up in the usual spot. The Usual Suspects! That’s a great movie. Holy Shit! It’s Friday! I always forget what day it is and remember once a period and forget 10 minutes after. Sweet, I got a plan now, step one, get home, step two, eat, step three, sleep, step four… Step four… Who gives a fuck about step four! I’m going to be home soon. Nasty. Oh yeah, the girls.



“Hey guys.” I say simply.



“Hey Eric”

New line. I was looking at Lana, she’s like my baby sister… she’s also wicked horny, yet a prude, and 4 ’11. That’s why I call her Smurfette. It kind of depresses me that we aren’t close anymore, but fuck it, if she doesn’t care, why should I? Then my eyes turn to Kathy. She’s pretty cool but can be kind of a bitch. She’s kind of chubby and wears like cobra command starship, This isn't right but I don't what it is, is it a brand, or should there be a "like" in there or what? or however the fuck you say it. Mandy is here but I don’t care about her that much.

New line. Finally we get to Lauren. She hates me. There was a time two months ago when I called her a porn star nonstop. She finally flipped out, but I made it up by buying hot chocolate. She’s still a bitch all the time.

Oh, Sweet! It’s Caitlyn Escafario! She’s totally cool, I can’t even describe it. Her parents are awesome! So her mom lets her smoke and drink, as long as she has straight A’s! So it’s like they're cool parents and good parents at the same time! She is cool enough that I shared my very first joint of my own with her. Granted, that was like, two weeks ago.



“Hi Caitlyn Escafario!” I always say her full name.



“Hi Eric Johnson!” She always says my full name. She’s pretty hot. I mean not like, Holy shit! I would fuck her for a week straight, but more like, she’s pretty. That is a better way to describe her.



“How are you doing on this fine day?” We always talk kinda weird. We always do a lot of things.



“I am doing fantastic, thank you.”

Oh shit, now the buses are pulling in. New line That sucks, I gotta try to hang out with her more often.



“Oh, hey I gotta go, I’ll see you later Eric Johnson.”



“Bye Caitlyn Escafario!”

Now to get on the bus. New lineFuck the bus.



I step up the three stairs towards the bus driver… I don’t say anything to her 'cause Evelyn is a bitch. Oh God I hate my bus. I walk past Taylor and some little faggot 7th grader whose name I don’t know. The chubby kid behind me, Jake, pushes Taylor in and they sit and begin to talk. You can’t really call it a conversation because all they do is talk about weed… I mean, pot's fun and all, but Jesus fucking Christ! There is more to life than a bowl and a lighter.
New lineThe other thing is they’re not cool peaceful potheads. They listen to slipknot and ICP all the fucking time. When I blaze I like to put some Pink Floyd in and just chill. They are so fucking stupid. I walk right pastthem, which is a new thing for me, because I only recently stopped sitting with them. Not because I didn’t realize they were queer, but because I finally stopped putting up with it. I sit in the first open seat I can find, diagonal from Taylor and adjacent to the Dino Twins.



Let me tell you about the Dino Twins. They are stupid, loud; seventh graders who share no relation, yet still remind me of prehistoric reptiles. One of them, in my head I call her Allie, because she looks like an Allosaurus. Her older sister is only an eighth grader, yet still hot, popular, and kind of funny. She’ll just never measure up. Funny how things work. The other I call Sarah, because she reminds me of the Triceratops from the land before time.



So I sit and start rehearsing my plan, while trying to block out a conversation about how high they were, the same as every day, and a conversation about how “that guy looks so GROSS in Hollister!” Give me a hand gun and paint the bus windows with my brains.

New lineMy mind wanders to the chicken I will be having later… mmmmh…. Chicken, we talked about that in my last period; Teen Relationships! Apparently, KFC throws their chickens against the walls to stun before decapitating them. That shit's hilarious. It’s like that episode of South Park when-



Oh my God, I would never be caught dead wearing that!” I wish Allie would shut the fuck up.



“Yeah, I know! She looks so stupid.” Sarah’s just a wannabe sidekick. I wish another comet would fall on everyone on this bus. Or the Allosaurus could just go back to a more natural diet. Which ever works.



“So I started thinking about what I’m gonna wear for the dance next week,”



“The dance isn’t until the 14th, retard.” Taylor says. I wish they would all take a nap in a burning building.



“Why are you listening to us?” She asks me



“Maybe it’s because you're really loud.” I am so glad I decided to talk.



“Why are you listening!” she says while casting me a dirtier look.



“MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE REALLY LOUD!” I shout. Not angry, just loud. She looks at me with anger and puzzlement.



You're really weird.”

New line.Fuck you Dino Bitch! Go charge a rock and break your neck.



“Yeah, but you forgot about SEXY!”

She looked at me like I was telling her that the whites were enslaved by the blacks back in the day… but she’d probably believe me on that one.



“Eww Nuh Uh!” Apparently someone doesn’t understand the concept of sarcasm. A bit too far over her head.



Oh Yeah Huh!”

The bus comes to a screeching halt. I'm not sure but i think a banshee lives in the engine.



“Hey I know that you wanna see me and all, but I think we should just be friends.” She gave me this look of sheer blonde retardedness.



“Catch ya later cutie.”
New lineSaid in a kidding voice. I did it. I was home.


So overall I really liked it, and I thought you captured the Add really well! I deliberately left out a few commas, because I think one of the things that makes the character stand out is that fast, random rate of talking, and commas just split that up and slow it down.

Again, I really liked this, and I hope this review helps!
Vampyre
That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades,
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades


  








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