Young Writers Society

1761 (? My math is off, prolly)

***

Churning up rocks and dust along a rutted old post road is a horse, a fresh young bay running at full speed down the path.

The rider is but a boy, short blonde hair whipping out behind him and salty tears running down his freckled, dirt-streaked cheeks.

Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin.

Forest on either side of the trail passes and fades away from the boy's vision at a dizzying rate, the wind driving small bits of branches and pebbles at his face as frenzied adrenaline flows through his veins.

A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt and painfully catches the horse in the leg as he reaches to complete a stride. It stumbles and there is an audible snap as the boy's ankles rip from the stirrups...

As they both fall and hit the earth all dissipates to black.

***

(Very short, I know, but I had to post something)

Er... the sentences should not be put in their own paragraphs all the time. Otherwise it gets annoying and makes the piece stop and go. Remember, in this dramatic piece, it should almost feel as if you were bouncing up and down on a horse. Or... at least that is the effect that seems appropriate in this case.

Whoops...I love line breaks, can't you tell?

Churning up rocks and dust along a rutted old post road is a horse, a fresh young bay running at full speed down the path. *nice description. Sounds good, flows smoothly*

The rider is but a boy, short blonde hair whipping out behind him and salty tears running down his freckled, dirt-streaked cheeks. *you do love line breaks, don't you? But, nice, it works*

Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin. *ok. Nice description. Waiting to see where this is going*

Forest on either side of the trail passes and fades away from the boy's vision at a dizzying rate, the wind driving small bits of branches and pebbles at his face as frenzied adrenaline flows through his veins. *wonderful imagery, but that's basically all I can say. I know EXACTLY what it looks like and how the kid feels*

A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt and painfully catches the horse in the leg as he reaches to complete a stride. It stumbles and there is an audible snap as the boy's ankles rip from the stirrups... *oi ve! f *sp?* sucks sucks sucks 2 b that boy~*

As they both fall and hit the earth all dissipates to black

Lol, sam you didn't give us much to work with. I have to read more to understand this but I am curious as to where you're taking me. Wherever it is, I'll come along for the ride.

Line breaks are fun!
Yes, this now makes perfect sense, Sam (and thanks for the clarification).
And so you don't forget, it's 1763 (yes, math during summer *gasp*)]

Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin
hehe, nice. very true of someone his age, too.

A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt
wait.. the root just came out of no-where, eh?

MORE! lol

Of course it did Mesh! Hehe. (skunk go BOOM!) Thanks for reading...woah...I mean...seriously...

I liked it. Um on the critting, the only problems i found with it were the same ones that Misty Lynn found. I can't wait to read more to find out what is going to happen on this ride.