Young Writers Society

This is part of a collection of 100 short stories, some more like rambles. It is for a challenge on LJ that I never officially entered, since I don’t have a LJ account, but am completing anyway. They supply a list of 100 phrases/words that are to be your prompt. Using the same character, you write something on them.

Currently being edited.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of these, this is the second one I've read... nice job, how you say evrything through her observations of her brother.

Yes, this was really well done!! Can't wait to read the rest!

Keep up the great work!!!!

Kelsi =)

Hello! I'm really glad to see another story about this character, and I think that this prompt or competition (or whatever it is) about writing 100 stories about one character is a really cool idea. If you give up before hitting 100 you should expect some nasty PMs from me! (just kidding, by the way...)

He glances at the salt every few seconds, quickly returning his gaze to his own plate. He doesn’t look up, but he can feel my father’s eyes boring into him, just as I can. He holds his fork in his hand loosely, twirling the corn around on his plate. He looks up at the salt again, barely for a second, then looks back down.

This is really nit-picky, but I noticed that all these sentences start with "he." You might want to do something about that...?

“Do you want the salt, Matthew?” I ask him.

This is another nit-pick, but why does she think of him as "Matty" yet call him "Matthew"? Just strikes me as a little strange.

The closet door opens, a coat is taken off its hanger. The front door is yanked open, then slammed shut as he leaves the house.

Two things: 1) The first comma should be a semi-colon, methinks. 2) I don't really like the repetition of the word "door" in these two sentences. I think the first one can be deleted.

I can’t make him watch that, I can’t make him live alone with my father for half the year.

Why would he have to live alone with the dad for half a year? *is clueless*

I have only taken a few bites off of it, Matty taking just several more than me.

This is kind of a matter of opinion, but to me it sounds a little strange to say "just several" because the word "several" is used to mean a lot and the word "just" is used to mean the opposite. Maybe try saying "just a few" instead?

From this room, just like mine, you could hear everything that went on in my parents’ bedroom: all the yelling, all the items being thrown.

I only had one pair of earplugs.

These sentences should be in the present tense, like the rest of the piece.
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Overall, I loved this piece--just like the last one. *gives you a gold star* You have a deceivingly simple style; you don't use any poetic adjectives, and you don't have any gorgeous description or thought-provoking similies, but yet... you portray such emotion that I almost cried.

The only suggestion (that's major) that I have is that you add just a TAD more description, but I already told you that on my review for the other one.

I hope this helps!

PM me if I was unclear about anything.
~Azila~

Azila: Thanks for the review! I'll try not to give up...

Urgh, I keep doing that pronoun thing. I'm fixing it in my other story, I'll try to here, also.

The whole Matty/Matthew thing is because her mother is there. If her mother wasn't there, she would say Matty. I tried to show that, and will expand on it in another promt.

The whole living alone with him half the year: because the parents would be divorced, and the father would get half custody. (well, every other weekend, two weeks in the summer, and one week of vacation, but this ways easier to write. )

I'm rewriting these soon, and I'll incorprate what you said. Thanks to everyone!

JFW1415 wrote:The whole living alone with him half the year: because the parents would be divorced, and the father would get half custody. (well, every other weekend, two weeks in the summer, and one week of vacation, but this ways easier to write. )

I figured something like that, but seeing as I don't have much expirience in devorces, I thought I'd ask.

Tell me when you post the next one!
~Azila~

I really liked this. I was hooked to it the second it started!

~Lulu

This has now been edited. I have incorprated what you guys have said, and added a major scene (a flashback.) Please read and let me know what you think.

Thanks!

~JFW1415

Hi there! I have a few more nitpicks to deliver...

“Do you want the salt, Ma-” I begin to say Matty, then pause when I feel my mother’s eyes lock on me. “Matthew?”

Oh! I'm glad you added this. ^^ But I do think that "Matty" (after "say" and before "then") should be in quotes...

He stepped outside and slammed the door shut behind him, not even glancing in the back seat.

I think that should be "...glancing AT the back seat." But I might be wrong.

My hair tickled my bare arms as is swayed in the cool breeze.

I don't understand this sentence. Maybe you meant to say, "My hair tickled my bare arms as it was swayed in the cool breeze."

I have only taken a few bites off of it, and Matty has only taken a few more than I have.

Oh dear, I feel bad now. I know I told you to change it to this, but now I don't like it either. The repetition of "a few" bothers me. Maybe change one of them to "a number" or "a couple?" Th´n again, you might not want to listen to me... I'll probably mess it up again. >.<

My gaze wanders [s]back[/s] into him room.

Self-explanatory, no?
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Well, I really don't have much to say about this, except... PM ME WHEN YOU POST ANOTHER ONE!!

Seriously, I love the flashback--it delves deeper into the MC's personality, (showing that she's mischievous and pretty fearless) while also telling the reader about where the father goes. I'm glad you added it. One thing, though, that I'd like to suggest is that you consider putting it in italics, just to clarify... but it's not necessary.

Very, very good, my friend!

I hope this useless review helps a little bit.

~Azila~

Azila: Thanks so much for the review! I will edit most of the nit-picks you mentioned, but I don't think I'll put the flashback in italics. Since the tense changes and everything, I think they'd just get annoying.

I'm glad you liked the flashback, though! I wasn't sure, since I wrote this at 10 PM.

Most of the things you caught were typos. I let my mom read this and she didn't catch anything, I doubt I would have either, since I've read this a ZILLION times. I'm so glad I have YWS!

~JFW1415

I liked this a lot. It's really nice and I can feel the emotions of the characters especially the girl. I'm looking forward to read more of this.

A few small suggestions first -

“Matthew?” He looks up at me, his brown eyes boring into mine. [You've used this imagery before when with the father and it doesn't fit when used with the son who feels a more timid character. Maybe '...his brown eyes sinking into mine.' would work better?]

I pushed open the door after counting to one hundred, wincing when the florescent light filled the car again. [Why is the car not locked? That's very unikely and I think you need an actual reason for it. Maybe show that the father is really angry about something and have him slam the door behind him as he walks off. Or maybe have him struggle with the key in the lock and then give up, kick the car and go.]

The way the flashing lights illuminated it, causing it to stand out on the dark world road, [Hmmm. I don't think '...dark world road' makes much sense.]made it look like magic.

My chest was heaving up and down, and I silently thanked God that there hadn’t been any cars driving down the street when I had run across.

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In general, I thought this was much better than the first one you posted. You have a good use of characterization here and the relationships are displayed well. There's tension and action and it's generally well written. I would suggest adding a little more character and scene description but it isn't necessary.

The use of present tense is effective, the flash-back is good and generally I think you've done a good job. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

yanked open, then slammed

and then

blinding

I would say, almost blinding

I really liked this. Your writing style is very simple, but there's a lot lying underneath, if you get what I mean. I think you should work on what this girl did when she saw her father with another woman a bit more. I mean, she's only eight! Her reaction doesn't seem right.

But overall, it was relly good. and I'd love to read more of them.

Oh, this was good! You really could feel what the girl and her brother were feeling and how they wished for their father to come home and be a dad for once. And how they hoped their mom would be brave and stick up for them. I can really tell how hard it is for the girl to have to be brave for her little brother too. Very well written!

Anyway, as I've said, this was really good. i'll be looking out for more!

This was pretty good. I'm running out of time so I can't fully express my opinion but I wanted to post something here. Well-written and interesting.