Young Writers Society

Removed.

That didn't suck. You know how I know? Because it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm usually lazy around this time and I read the entire thing without falling asleep. It was very original...and I'm glad you didn't put it in the romantic section...it didn't belong there. Anyway, I don't know if you intended this but the dialogue was very impressive since it was fast paced and you didn't waster your time on all the "I said" and "He said".
I can't complain, Brad. I really liked this.

You did something very very bad. You switched tenses. Now what does this mean? Observe:

"Grant turned toward the window and looked out."

"But I stop, and our faces are four inches apart."

See? You turn from past to present and then eventually you go back to past again. Don't do this. Some writers may think it's original and drills in the point more; it actually does the opposite. Be careful about your tenses.

I'm not sure of my personal opinons of this story, mostly because I'm from California and snow is the most awesomest thing to me, so I can't understand snow being a bad thing. Even so, besides that tense mistake, this was an okay story. I only say okay because (to me) it didn't seem to have a purpose and it seemed to wander a bit. The wandering seems purposeful so it flows nicely, but it's not my cup of tea.

I'll post a 'fuller' review later...now I'm completely in another world and have no idea wut I'm saying. I read it, and liked it. It actually held my attention...which most things would not with me in this 'dipsy' mood.



the bleak sunset made it look like winter when it was really spring.

-The point you are making I like, the way the sentence is written sounds a bit iffy.

So we went to Pete’s and had burgers and fries. We weren’t actually sure of who Pete was, or if he even existed, for that matter. Naturally, we didn’t care, but that was because the food was good – and cheap. Cheap being the predominant reason. Not that we were broke or anything, but why spend thirty bucks when you could spend ten, and, usually, get better food? ‘Better food’ pretty much amounted to inordinate globs of grease and french fries. Oh well.

-I like the part you put in about Pete. it adds...something...to th piece. Not sure what, but I liked that part. (See what I mean about me being a bit out of it? lol.)

I started seeing bright colors whooshing by through my eyelids and it made me smile because they were streetlights.

-perhaps take out the 'and', replace it with a period, and remove the 'because.'

We don’t know what the difference in “gangster” and “gangsta” is, or “nigger” and “nigga” is, but we don’t really care and enjoy postulating the linguistic implications of such a culture.

the 'is' after "nigga" sounds funny...maybe you could have something like...
We don’t know what the difference in “gangster” and “gangsta” is, or what separates “nigger” from “nigga”, but we don’t really care and enjoy postulating the linguistic implications of such a culture.




After that, no further comments. Great story, Brad :thumb:

This seems nearly realistic but not quite seeing as to the fact it is hard to believe that texas can snow... Anyway, I really liked it and it made me think... well not really, it's nearly one pm and I am still too tired to think. Great job Brad, although you have somehow managed to get your sick little world lodged into my brain an on countless attepts I try to draw it...

Stick people in matching boxers aren't your world are they?

Very well-written and your descriptions are great. I don't like the cursing, but I suppose it helps personify your characters. Good job.

I liked that. It wasn't overdone and the descriptions made it seem real.

- or if it was there crude yelps and lame comebacks. - or if it was their crude yelps and lame comebacks. i know that was a typo, cause you spell it correctly in other places.

- one minute, they're in a conversation, and suddenly one of the guys says "two please". You may want to add a line that they arrived at the movie theater.

I'm guessing surreality (the poem) was the result of this story? Just a guess...

The story was nice. It wasn't a very hard read, but it had depth, still. I really liked it... sorry I can't find anything to critique...

This is from my personal journal. So I suppose it could just as easily go into "Non-Fiction". Hmm...and yes, "surreality (a poem)" was, in fact, the result of these events.

At the beginning, it's kinda...lame. Towards the middle and end, however, the writing gets stronger. My only thing, it is very confusing when you have dialogue, because you never tell us who is talking. Just maybe one tag at the end at the beginning of a chunk of dialogue would be nice.

Personally, I liked the poem slightly better, but the story really explained it (the poem) to me.

To clarify some of the comments:

*Tense changing was, in fact, purposeful. The point was to bring to life a certain aspect of the experience (i.e., the most vivid part.). Changing back to past tense was to submerge a kind of soliloquy into the piece. If you didn't catch this: sorry, too bad. Popcorn?

*Lack of enunciation of who was speaking was done so for a reason. In real life, do we say:

"'And so,' I said, 'we went to the movies!'"?

No. The point therein was to give the poem a sense of realism.

*To further drive home the sense of realism, I am going to give it to you as it happened. The sudden dialogue of, "two, please" was to impress upon the reader the sense that your narrator (in this case, me) was unaware of where we were. Therefore, for me to say we had reached the theater would be an utter lie, and there's no point in decieving ourselves, now is there?

Finally, this would be a lot better, I'm sure, if I had romanticized it, a bit. I didn't, however. So get over it.

It was good without romanticizing. Although, we people do not talk to each other without knowing who's saying what.

Hm...I like it. Its very interesting its written with such ease in a way. No "big" words and such. It drives you to read it. But I got a little confused when the dialogue showed up. I didnt really new who was talking. Also didnt you mentione that you were going to a hamburger? Then whats with the theater and all? Overrall, I like it really much. It has certainly made my day

First of all, I stopped reading it as soon as I came accross a swear-word.
Sorry, but I hate swearing in stories. That's something personal, I think.
Write a story without those fatal words, and I'll crit it...

Micah

First off, that's an opinion, and an unnecessary comment.

as fickle as a menstruating girl

that made my day.

The tense change didn't bother me that much, stragnely enough.

“Grant offers nuts.”

“Brad declines.”

“Grant nods and resumes movie.”

referening to yourseves in the third person, are we?

overall, well-written. I think I like your writing better when you write naturally, and don't use huge words that require dictionaries to understand.