Young Writers Society

I was bored, so I quickly wrote this .



Morning

I woke slowly. The beeping of my alarm confused me at first – I couldn’t tell what it was, or what it indicated. I blinked a couple of times, waiting for consciousness to return to me fully. I staggered out of my bed, leaving my crumpled duvet behind.

I hit hard on the top of the alarm, fumbling for the button to switch of the infernal racket. Ah – got it.
‘Much better,’ I breathed quietly. I reached and switched on my lampshade beside the clock, illuminating the room and stinging my eyes.

I was amazed that the noise the alarm and I had collectively made hadn’t woken up Tess.

Tess was my baby daughter. Only a year old – she could say a couple of simple words and stagger around uncertainly on her two little legs if someone held her hands.

I walked out into the hallway, muttering angrily under my breath about work. It was busy there at the moment – so I had to get up extra early to get all my work done.
Fred – my son – would look after Tess whilst I was out.

‘Huaahuaaahuahuaaa…’
I paused. What was that? It sounded like someone breathing. No… like someone struggling to breathe…
Could it be Tess? I quietly approached her door and listened in. No – I could hear her normal, regular breathing just fine.

‘Huaaahuaaahuhuaahuahuaa…’
I spun around to look behind me. It was slightly louder now, I was sure of it. And I had defiantly heard it. I wasn’t my imagination.
‘Fred?’ I asked quietly, hoping he’d reply.

‘Huaaahuaahuaahuhuaaahuhuaaahuaaa…’
What was that? I shook myself.
I made up my mind to go check in on Fred. No doubt this was his idea of a practical joke.

‘Huaaahuaaahuaahuahuahuaaaaahuaaahuhuaaaaaaaa…’
I silently opened Fred’s door and peered inside, ignoring the noise as best I could.
I could see Fred, sleeping comfortably in his bed.

‘Huaaahuaaaahuahuhuaaaaahuaaahuaaaahuaaaahuhuaaahuaaa…’
BANG!

I jumped, at the sudden crash. I spun round. There – over there! Oh god! Tess’ door!
It was wide open!
In my horror, I didn’t run away in fear, but instead ran to my daughter’s room. I could hear her crying now, at the top of her voice.

‘Huaaahuaaahuaahuaaaahuaaaahuhuaaahuaaahuaaaaaaahuaaahuaaaahuaaahuaaaa…’
And then… silence. Tess had stopped crying as I reached her room. I ran in, my arms raised and my fist’s balled. If there was someone in there, and if they had hurt my baby, I was going to make them pay.
But no – the room was empty. Empty of all life… even Tess.

All there was, was a small puddle of blood on her cot, licking around the cuddly toys. I fell to my knees. Who… what… could have done this?
Why had they done this?

I felt myself begin to be swallowed up by sadness. The pain of loss… I had trouble thinking… I felt tears well up in my eyes.
HuaaahuaaaahuaaaahuaaahuaaaahuaahuhuaaahuaaahuaaahuaaaaaahuaaaaaaaaAAAAA!
I felt a presence behind me – I could feel it breathing on the back of my neck…

I closed my eyes…

That was sooo crazy!

Is there more coming?!

So-so. The voice seems more like that of a kid or teenager than an adult with children, so it's not as convincing as it could be. In addition, the content of the story itself isn't particularly compelling - we've all read/seen this kind of thing before in some format. Not bad for something you wrote quickly though, I guess.

Emma: Nope, this was written in around ten minutes, and I don't really have any other plans for it.

Lin night: This is my first attempt at writing something from an adults POV (I think it's the first time ever for me actually). And like I said, this was just a quick piece... I didn't really go for origionality .

I like it but I have to agree with Lin Night. Maybe you could make the POV a teenager's- it would probaly sound better and make her childrens her siblings instead. Also when she reaches Tess's room you should make it more descriptive. Other than that I think it' s really good.

You had a few good details, but after reading it, the only thoughts I had were questions... I wanted to know more... to know why it happened, who/what did it, etc... but if that was what you were going for, you did a great job.

VoraciousReader_545 wrote:I like it but I have to agree with Lin Night. Maybe you could make the POV a teenager's- it would probaly sound better and make her childrens her siblings instead. Also when she reaches Tess's room you should make it more descriptive. Other than that I think it' s really good.

If I were to do that, I'd be going around the problem. I don't want to do that - I wanna go through it. I'll never be any good at writing stories from an adults POV otherwise .
I need to re-write this sometimes...