Young Writers Society

Im standing by the strong light. It's stinging my sensitive eyes, I close them. Instead of complete blackness, I see an orange light. Unsure about this I walk on - with my eyes closed. I suddenly bump into something, I let out a cry. I open my eyes and flutter out the orange colour. I had walked into the wall. I hear the echo of footsteps coming towards me. I stand still, thinking no one can see me.
"Rachel, come on dear." Says a friendly voice,
Though I know she isn't friendly, she was ment to be my mother. But now she is a croaked old b-b.. I can't say the words in my head. I start to get angry, my head twitches. My arms shake. Im getting that horrid feeling again. My body doesn't like me, it does it on purpose. My muscles tighten, its stinging now. I start crying, my eyes can barely open. My eyes are starting to hurt. I can feel them getting agitated. My mum grabs onto me and pulls me over to the bed. I try shaking her away, but Im shaking to much my self.
"Rachel dear, don't worry a nurse is coming." She whispers,
I snarl at her. I was shaking because of her. I start hearing more footsteps walking down the cold, marble floor. I shakly turn to the light blue walls. The sun shining onto them, making it look like the sea.
"Darling, look this way for me. We are going to stop the shivering" Says a nurse,
Im not shivering, Im having an attack. I carry on looking away. My mum is looking at me, silver tears falling down her white cheeks. Her blond hair is greasy, and her clothes are wrinkly. I don't care if she's worried about me. I don't care about her. I suddenly calm down as a sharp needle pushes into my skin. My muscles have calmed down, though I haven't. I quickly get up and stare at the people surrounding my bed.
Go away! I shout, no one hears, maybe its my voice, maybe I've lost it.
I dont want you here! I try again, they look at me as I open my mouth like a fish.
"Come on Mrs. Lean, your daughter needs a rest." Says the doctor,
His deep soothing voice suddenly calms me and I smile. Though deep inside me Im still mad, the voices in my head said so.

I go to sleep in my small empty bed, thoughts sprang into my head.
One day you'll be better, my thoughts say,
One day you'll be outa this dump and back at home
I smile whilst I rest. The only thoughts of getting better stuck in my head as I slept in the strange blue hospital....

My critiques-

1. You start way to many sentences with 'I' and 'I'm' in the first paragraph. Just cut down on a few of those.

2. You use 'stinging' as an adjective way too many times. It gets clunky after awhile.

Those are my only nitpicks. Other than that, i thought it was very well done. Does this girl have epilepsy or diabetes or something? I'm wondering...

erm...i liked this i thought this was kinda good actually, created a good feel of being in a mental hospital or a hospital if i pput that correctly. i do agree with sam though there are alot of "I" that forces me to propel from the story although i didi read on. I think maybe a little more description on the way the hosiptal is just to give us the feel of where you are might have helped a little bit, maybe giving us more of a feel for you, feeling a bit mroe sorry for you plus the location (which is the hospital) is important in this story so we need to capture a vivd image of what it looks like to grab where you are.
other than that, an excellant job.

one more thing... there were two or one typos i spotted.

hmmm, I always do alot of typos. I did spot the 'I' alot too. Its like the first version of her life in the mental hospital. The next one is called; 'Rachel: Dreaming' And this time I will try my best to give more description on the way she feels and the hospital. And I will cut down on the 'I's' But what should I use instead?! HELP.

This is really good but it definitely needs some work. Try fixing the typos and it should be a lot better, and make sure you keep th present tense all the way throug. Instead of I's, try making sentences longer.

Okay, thanks. I'm that lazy, I can never be bothered to!