Young Writers Society

Valentine's Day.
I hate Valentine's day. There's no point to it, no purpose. The only thing it's good for is to show, once again, that no one likes me. It pointless, worthless and depressing. I know there'll be no card waiting in my post box, no candy on my doorstep, no flowers in my hand. One of my friends used to send Valentines to herself, to cheer her up. That's what this day does to you: It drives you to the low point of a lie to show you're at least liked.
Girls like me never get Valentines. Whether it's because we're not pretty enough or sexy enough, we'll never get it. Not in this reality anyway.
That's why I was so surprised when Johnothan walked up to me.
I stared at him blankly as he took the seat opposite to mine. This was totally new to me. The only time I've ever talked to Johnothan before, was when he wanted to borrow a pen.
"I have a proposition for you," he started.
"Go ahead,"I said slowly, disbelievingly.
"Well, you're friends with that Dana chick, right?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, again slowly. For some reason it felt as though he wouldn't understand me if I talked normally.

I like this but I think you ended it to soon lol, was that intentional or was it all you've gotten done so far?

Okay there were a few spelling mistakes:
Johnothan should be Jonathan
postbox should be post box (or) post-box (I think but then I'm in the UK so it could be different in the USA. Sorry if it is )
oppisite should be opposite
propesition should be proposition
and capitalise the D for Valentines Day (I thought since it was only a small bit I'd list the spelling mistakes I'm sorry if that annoys you There are a few more mistakes but I won't point them out in case this is annoying you sorry just read through it and you'll spot them)

Anyway off the spelling lol (I would comment on grammar but mine is attrocious so I wouldn't know what's right or wrong there sorry lol) I think this has a good potentional storyline but I couldn't really feel a connection for the character because I didn't know what she was really feeling. Okay she hates Valentines Day, but why? I never get any cards ( you never read that!) and I don't hate it. So is there more to her hating it like people are cruel to her because she never gets anything or does she just hate it because she's jealous of everyone else?

You should show what's she feeling, you tell us she hates Valentines Day but you haven't given her any emotions, it's almost as if she's an emotionless robot. For example:

That's why I was so surprised when Johnothan walked up to me.

Show us how she was shocked, what did she do? Did her hands go all shakey? Did she get nervous? If she was holding anything did she drop it? Stuff like that to show the reader that the character does have feelings and what they're feeling at that point.

Go through this again and read it out loud to yourself - there are a few sentences that didn't run as smoothly as the rest of the story for example this bit:

That's what this day does to you. It drives you to the low point of a lie to show you're admired.

I didn't really understand that bit - it might just be me though

Anyway I hope this helped and I hope you post more because I would love to see what's going on

Where's the rest?!

We need more!!!
We need more!!!

Well, this was a little short, but I agree mostly with what dreaming_mouse has said. It's a little hard to comment on something the size of an average paragraph in a story, but from what I can tell it's a good start and I'd like to see more.

Oh, and dreaming_mouse -

[quote] Johnothan should be Jonathan [quote]

Not so. There are many, many forms of the name. My uncle's is spelt 'Johnathan". And the most common spelling I usually see is 'Jonathon'.

yea I forgot that sorry I keep forgetting there's more ways to spell a name it's just I'm so used to seeing it spelt with an A cz all my friends spell it that way sorry

I can totally relate to what the character is feeling. You have really expressed it well, and I am wondering if maybe the character is based on you?

Hey
thanks for the reviews guys. I was kinda destracted when I wrote this and had to go before I could go further. My spelling is horrid when I don't use a dictionary or something
And Harley, I'm very ashamed to say that I share some (only some) of the feelings of this character.

totally relate with the character 110%, and i dont think that the length of your writing needs improvement however if you do keep it a short paragraph, you need a killer ending like "he wouldn't give me a second glance unless i was sitting there naked" or something overly ridiculous and dont sweat about the spelling/grammar, i'm horrible with stuff like that too

Willow wrote:This was totally knew to me

Knew = new?

Not bad, I like how you get straight to the point and your use of first person narrative. The emotions portrayed in this piece are very clear and rampant.

Okay, I corrected some things that dreaming_mouse pointed out.
Thanks for the crit everyone!