Young Writers Society

I'm BACK!!!

Here's my edit of your edit..

I see dark red matter on my hand, I realize it’s my blood. I slump to the ground with life ebbing out of me. Just before my vision goes dark I see my mother collapse on the floor.

Now you said dark twice!!

I'll fix that thanks.

I'm going to move this up.

Bump yet again.

Wow....thats all i can say...I'm in the middle of a class and my teachers watching what i'm reading so i kinda had to run through it pretty quick buts still it sounds great as is......

What's with the dancing elephant?

I'm not sure I like the whole raping her cunt with a knife part - not because it's violent/explicit, but because I have a certain distaste for adding sex into a story just because, especially when sex doesn't really fit the mood of the story (Steven King does this so many times... it annoys the hell outta me).

Other than that though, this is good (if a touch on the short side) .

It never actually happens though. It's just something that the character would like to do to her. Also I never add stuff just because.

i dont like that part either
because it makes him seem as if he wants to have sexual illusions with his mother
that distracts from the story and doesn't even fit.

i love the ending though
proves how messed up he really is

Mia wrote:So.........this guy went absolutely mental all because his mother made him go to church?

Hehe, it would be funny if he did. XD

Kind of creepy but... not really. Like Mia said, it's a mite unrealistic. And he never does what he imagines. I was wondering how his mom would respond to that... XD

I dont know what to say other than um interesting

Um... *looks for the smilie she made once that said "this was sick and twisted"* *stops as she realizes that the author probably knows that already and how unhelpful that comment would be*

um... right...