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Young Writers Society


The Pilgrimage



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65 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 816
Reviews: 65
Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:00 pm
Fizz says...



It was your favourite time of day when I missed you most, just before the sunset, when everything is golden. It really is so beautiful, so alive with light and colour. So alive it hurts to look at.

It had been one of those days that lazily pass you by, wafting along on the breeze, hazy, unclear. We were camping out by the river in a clearing sheltered by mighty pine trees that smelt like earth and melted the sun so it could drip through the leaves like warm, honey coloured rain. Through years of wear the grass had died leaving only dirt and pine, so we turned to mud when our feet were wet. It was so quiet, empty for miles, just us and the river, cold as ever. It was Sunday morning in the lounge room, with the TV on and the curtains closed. It was home and we'd never left. Our stomachs panged and we stumbled up the banks of the river, swam lazily and rested in the sun. We watched elephants turn in to houses and disappear in to thin white lines that float away.

As always, night came too quickly. We built a fire and watched the trees dance as our toes caught on fire and the fire spread, spread to our hands and our faces until we were burning beacons in darkness. It was one of those moments. I heard you there, off in the distance. But you were so far away, the furthest you’ve ever been. We woke inside sunburnt, itching red bodies. Bodies caked with dirt, and pine nettle. Free bodies.

Every year we packed up and we left, but we never left you behind.
  





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6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 954
Reviews: 6
Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:34 pm
Makeeda says...



This piece is really very nice, such great description, you could picture this bohemian type paradise very vividly. My favourite bit are the first two lines, they give just as I said, a very descriptive image in the opening, allowing us to picture it straight away, i also liked the fact that it is short and sweet, when it comes to writing that is not a skill I'm blessed with. Good job :)
  





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504 Reviews

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Points: 21355
Reviews: 504
Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:21 am
Kafkaescence says...



So this was a beautiful little piece of prose. I almost want to call it poetry - I guess it's one of those stories that is right on the borderline. Honestly, I think it could pass as either.

Anyway. Despite its...diminutive length, this wasn't bad. Your descriptions were crisp and atmospheric, though I do think you could have expanded them a bit more. Perhaps add that missing thread in your story, clarify some things, you know.

I'm guessing the second-person character in your story is actually the campsite. This is simple enough, I suppose, and it really helps explain things that, if the reader was inclined to instead accord it human characteristics, would not otherwise make much sense. It's a nice touch, and adds something of a personal aspect to your piece; the place is not simply an object, but an acquaintance, a missed friend. Inventive and all that.

What I'm getting at is that this connection really needs to be an easier one for the reader to make. Clarification is the key to this piece. Don't be dismayed - imagine how much more there is to describe as far as your campsite! I'm guessing it's real, judging by the emotion and sincerity that is displayed here - in this case, it should be easy for you to add a bit more. Even if it is a fictional setting, it shouldn't be too difficult.

Toward the beginning, you really jump around in tenses - you go from past to present to past-perfect. This is a bit irksome, especially considering that present should never leap immediately to past-perfect. So that should be fixed.

so we turned to mud when our feet were wet.

I kind of understand what you're doing with this, but it's a risky little bit of imagery. To avoid confusion, I'd change this.

elephants turn in to houses

They never do that. Not literally, not metaphorically. Sorry.

in to

Into - one word.

Alright! Hope this helped a bit.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 557
Reviews: 67
Sat Oct 29, 2011 12:57 am
mistielovesyou says...



I really liked this story, with the description and the imagery.
I agree with the previous reviewer when he said that I couldn't really understand the connection. I could get the scene and the imagery and whatnot, but I didn't get a good shot of the character/characters.
The beginning was kind of shaky for me, but as you got into the second paragraph I was beginning to *feel* it. Maybe you could change the wording in the start to make it flow smoothly.
mistura is awesome and she loves you
  








A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden