Young Writers Society

He spots me from across the club. How do I look? Alone, hot, confused. Hopefully.
I can see him dancing with a woman as equally needy as him, moving his arms and hands about. He keeps glancing at me, hoping I’ll summon the courage to make the first move. Hoping I’ll miraculously hop off my stool and tell him how gorgeous he looks in that jacket. How watching him move makes me want to take him home...
I do.
We’re walking to the curb to wait for the cab he called. We’re chatting. He’s nice enough, but I didn’t expect him to be anything else. He nods his head and smiles as he talks. His name is John.
So do I.
We stand there and wait. It’s a quiet night, excluding the sound of laughter coming from behind us.
“You’re...very pretty, you know that?”
Why did he say it like that? I turn my head to look at him. He’s grinning at me. I don’t like that. But I smile and put a hair behind my ear, “No, I’m not.” Of course I’m pretty. It’s the only way I’d get him to come with me. He took my hand as he waited.
Another couple stood next to us. The man was inappropriately handsome for a guy who hung out at clubs, and his lady looked nervous enough to pee herself.
“You alright?” I heard him ask her. He puts a reassuring hand on her lower back and smiles.
“I’m fine.” She nodded, bobbing her dull red curls.
The man turns to look at us. John tightens his grip on my hand and shifts to face me. The man stares and smirks, looking like he’s about to laugh.
I roll my eyes. Our cab (or theirs) is coming down the road.
“Real shy, huh?” John says. She stares at me, and I can see a dimple rise in his smile. He turns and waves the car over. “My buddies’ giving us a ride home.”
The car stands in front of us. He doesn’t move.
“Are you...?” I ask.
He grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the car.
“What are you doing?” I yell, ready to fight.
“You are under arrest. You have the right...”
That’s all I’m absorbing. My face flushes, and I swear I could start crying. I'm not much of a crier. But I pull myself in.
“Who are you?” The lock of cuff links on my wrist ice cold. My next question is cut off with more of his gibber gabber.
I look to the couple to our left.
The woman is staring with her mouth open. She whispers something to the man. Their cab is here.
He opened the door and she climbed in, still half staring at me.
The man stands there and grimaces at me, raising both eyebrows.Then he shakes his head as ‘John’ shoves me into the car. He laughs.

This is a good story that you have going right now. Looking forward to reading more by you. It's very exciting and fun. Extremely enjoyable to read. You have quite the act for creativity. You left me with questions in my head, and that's more than always a good thing in a book. Again, can't say this enough, but really good. Can't wait to read more. Keep it up!!!

~wtbh

Hey there Mistie!

The writing itself is good. I didn't spot any grammatical errors apart from these here -

“I’m fine.” She nodded, bobbing her dull red curls.

'nodded' should be 'nods' and I think it might read better like this;

'“I’m fine.” She nods, her dull red curls bobbing.'

The car stands in front of us

I don't think 'stands' is the right way to describe a car. 'waits' or 'pulls up' would be more appropriate.

As for the story, I think it needs more background to it in order for it to make sense. For starters, we have no idea why she's at the dance. Is it a big event? A party? Secondly, why is she being arrested? Have they arrested an innocent woman or is she guilty of something? I couldn't really tell much from the way she reacted to being arrested, so I think you should clear it up by making it obvious to the reader whether she was guilty or not.

The arrest seemed to come out of the blue too. Like, I know you wanted the shock factor, but there was nothing to suggest that the story was going to end with her being arrested. You could always add in bits about how she's feeling nervous or apprehensive. It should clue the reader into thinking that something's not right with her. I know you have a list of feelings at the beginning of the story, but there's nothing strong enough to make it jump out to the reader that she's got something to hide.

This wasn't half bad, but it's lacking a purpose when the reader's left feeling confused at the ending. If you add in some of her thoughts and describe her being a bit more shifty, then the ending won't be guessable, but it'll make more sense. It'll help to slow the pace of the piece down too, so everything doesn't seem to happen in such a blur.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

great continuity and flow. love the thematic elements and the intense dramatic moments in the plot itself. Keep it up