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Young Writers Society


Fire Starters



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69 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3549
Reviews: 69
Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:58 am
Butterfly18 says...



This I wrote for a school assignment, 600 word short story. Hope you guys like it. :)

Fire Starters



A street lamp by the crossing buzzed, the light flickering. Kendal had been watching that same street lamp for over an hour.

She lowered her head beneath the hooded jersey, and watched as a car drove past through the traffic lights. A quick glance at her watch made her bite her lip, and for a moment she reconsidered what they had planned.

“Psst.”

Kendal spun, and spotted Derek’s head peeking from an alley behind her. “Where the hell have you been?” She ducked into the alley.

Chase was standing over four petrol containers, two filled with gasoline, and the other two with kerosene. “We got the stuff,” said Chase.

“I figured out a way in behind the shop. It’s this way.”

The boys picked up the containers and followed her through a maze of dark alleys.

“Sure you still want to do this? Just seems we’re getting in over our heads. We should quit while we’re ahead, you know.” Derek stiffened when Kendal turned to face him.

“If you don’t want to do it, then go home.” Kendal took hold of the container handles.

Derek pulled them back, “No I, just what if we get caught this time?”

Kendal rolled her eyes. “We won’t. I have it figured out. You either trust me or you don’t.”

“Let’s do it,” Derek said.

Rats scurried as they crept up to the store’s back door. Kendal pulled a pin from her hair, and jabbed at the lock. After careful manoeuvring, it unlocked and she swung the door open.

“Ladies first,” Chase said.

Kendal stepped inside and watched her footing in the darkness. They needed to be silent, as Ghosts. Living up to the nickname given to them by the cops was sometimes difficult. Chase swung one of the containers onto the checkout counter and knocked over a tin of firecrackers.

“Watch it.” Kendal picked up a container. “I’ll get the front.”

Outside the store’s glass doors, she watched a car drive through the lights. Luckily, this wasn’t a city that never sleeps, and at one in the morning mostly everyone was in bed. She unscrewed the lid and emptied the fuel along the floor against the skirting boards, and shook it over racks of magazines.

The first place they’d lit up was a bakery that Kendal used to be employed at. Her boss was a raving lunatic, fired her for no reason and claimed she’d been stealing from the register. Kendal only did it once, and it was a five, no substantial loss.

Second place was a designer clothing store Kendal went to find a dress for her older sister’s graduation. The catty sales girl made wise cracks at Kendal being unable to afford anything the store had.

This fireworks store, it was their third hit. Though the first two had been revenge jobs, this one, it was for fun.
“I’m all done, let’s go.” Derek stood by the back door.

Chase and Kendal exited and Derek threw a lit match onto the counter top. It ignited the fuel, and within seconds the counter was ablaze. They shut and jammed the door, and ran through the maze of alleys. Slipping across the street several stores down, they entered another alley, and climbed a fire escape to the top of an apartment building.

The blaze grew quickly, burning through the roof and spreading through the rest of the store. Fireworks went off, shooting into the sky and firecrackers sounded like gunshots.

“Come on, let’s go watch this from my kitchen.”

The three slipped through the roof door and crept down the stairs to Kendal’s apartment. A smile grew on her face as siren’s wailed in the distance.


.
  





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178 Reviews



Gender: Male
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Reviews: 178
Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:02 am
Paracosm says...



This was very good!

“Where the hell have you been?” She ducked into the alley. -This might sound better if you say something along the lines of:

"Where the hell have you been?" She (said/whispered/spat/whatever you see fit) ducking into the alley.

It's just an area I noticed where you could have added some more emotion and feeling to it. It would help round your characters out even more. (Something I have trouble with!)

Kendal pulled a pin from her hair, and jabbed at the lock. -In this sentence the comma is optional. I think it flows better without the pause.

After careful *manoeuvring, it unlocked and she swung the door open. - *Maneuvering.

Her boss was a raving lunatic, fired her for no reason and claimed she’d been stealing from the register. -He didn't really fire her for no reason, he thought she was stealing from the register, and that's a good reason. It might be better to talk about how unjust it was, or something like that.

This was really good, and I love your writing style! It feels very tense, and it has good drive. I think it would help if you added more about sound and smells in this story, like when they pouring the gasoline over the store. The smell of gasoline is distinct and vivid, the jugs make a "glug" sound when you pour them, the fire roars loudly. Adding in some descriptions like that would make the scene stick. It'd just feel so much more real to the reader. Sometimes they might feel deaf or blind, but with the right description, they feel like they are there. You did a great job with your characters, they felt very natural. I really enjoyed reading this, and you are a really good writer! Keep it up!
Review unto others as you would have others review unto you.

Don't panic!

Also, Shino!
  





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69 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 69
Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:09 am
Butterfly18 says...



Well thanks.

I would have shown more description with the senses, smells and sounds, but I had a word limit of 600 maximum and my teacher is all about 'compressing' as much info in as I can. Everything I had was the basics I needed and unfortunately I was unable to add in the few extras that would've made it more vivid and real, without going over the word max.

Thanks for the review. Glad you liked it. :)
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:43 am
Dragongirl says...



I'm going to be honest and truthfully I didn't want to review this because it was to good, but as you can see I rejected that urge because here I am...reviewing. :)

Ok so, the writing style was excellent, no complaints there. I did think the main charater's reasons for burning down buildings were a little..how to say it? Unreasonable. ;) Other than that, the only other thing to comment on here are a few nitpicks.

They needed to be silent, as Ghosts. Living up to the nickname given to them by the cops was sometimes difficult


From what I've gathered the police have given them the nickname Ghosts, but here the word ghosts should not be capitialize unless you are refering to a different group that is called Ghosts. The way you have it now is confusing.

Kendal pulled a pin from her hair, and jabbed at the lock. After careful manoeuvring,


It should be 'maneuvering'. Also you say careful maneuvering but right before that she jabbs the pin at the lock. That doesn't sound like she's being very carefully there. Perhaps try something like...

'Kendal pulled a pin from her hair and slid it into the lock.'

Well, like I said, there not really anything to else say. This is a nicely done piece and my hat goes of to you for it.
Later, DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  








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